あなたの潜在意識は愛について何を信じているのか？

と自問すれば 愛について両親から何を学んだか – from each of them separately, as well as from their relationship – you could come to interesting insights. But our conscious answers are just the top of the iceberg, while most of our emotional patterns become obvious (or not) only when triggered by specific external circumstances.

On a conscious level, all of us (or at least all of us “normal” people) desire warm, genuine, mutual relationships, hopefully balanced in terms of power. In reality, most people recognize with time that they are repeatedly attracted to a specific type of unhealthy relationship: perhaps relationships full of anger, mistrust, unpredictability, control, detachment, unavailability, criticism… no matter what their conscious minds want. We might even have a feeling that such a relationship was somehow “fated”, and might not feel attracted to potential partners who are warm, reliable, responsible and available. Why?

Our basic, deepest impressions about love and closeness are created in early childhood, with parents. “Love” by itself is quite an abstract word, but for a small child love primarily means a sense of 安心、つながり、帰属.小さな子供がこの感覚を必要とせず、求めないはずがない。健全な愛が欠落していれば、小さな子どもは、どんなに不健全であっても、親が表現するどんな行動にも安心感とつながりを見出そうと努力する。

For babies and toddlers, their parents are literally a “higher power”, some sort of gods, even if small children have no concept of religion (but, as I wrote 他宗教は多くの場合、親に対する経験や親に望んだことに基づいている）。親は全世界であり、親は生命と生存の源であり、親は地平線の半分に広がっている。小さな子どもは、親とつながっていたい、親を信頼したいという強烈で深い本能を持っている。

子どもには、親の不健全な行動を客観的に評価し説明する経験も視点も、発達した理性もない。たいていの子どもは、どんな愛情が必要かをある程度健全に直感しているが、親とのつながりを感じたいという欲求の方が、そうした直感よりも強いのが普通だ。 子どもは親から与えられるものの中に、愛情や帰属意識を見出そうとする。, even if it’s neglect or abuse. Manipulation can be especially difficult to resist, as even adult people sometimes have trouble resisting it.

Children of unhealthy parents will grasp at straws – at any glimmer of hope, or precious moments of relief, or anything parents are willing to give, regardless of conditions and the price to be paid. This is particularly true for 生まれつき感受性が強く、共感的な子どもたちあるいは、もともと不安型の愛着スタイルになりやすい子どもたち。参照 愛着スタイルとその障害、そしてその癒し方.)

母親は生後1年以内の愛の基本的な源である。 The deepest foundation of a child’s sense of self is usually created within those first months of the relationship with the mother. Somewhat later, in the period of developing sexual identity, usually the parent of the opposite gender comes into focus and the child tries to connect to that parent in whatever way. Considering that for boys mother is not only the primary source of love, but also the parent of the opposite gender, the relationship with mother might be even more detrimental than for girls in shaping expectations of close relationships. (I’m not sure how it works for not-straight children – if you have experience, I’m interested to hear about it.) One way or the other, people whose mother was unhealthy have it worse than people whose father was the more problematic one. Not to mention if both parents were toxic.

Even when children are able to recognize their parents’ behavior is not healthy, 彼らは親が最終的に正気に戻ることを望み続けている and become loving and accepting. A child can be aware how love is possible with just a little more understanding, and they have trouble understanding why is it so difficult for parents to make that little switch in perception and behavior. (This is not so easy to understand even from an adult perspective, let alone from a child’s!) Similar like with “Stockholm’s syndrome”, if toxic behavior is followed by some kind of relief – if a parent after a period of yelling, violence or neglect comes to their senses (or, comes back from age-regressed into adult state of mind) and tries to apologize or make things right to the child – the child can become even more bonded to that hope than they would in different circumstances bond to a healthy, reliable parent. In such a way, the child also bonds to a similar kind of feelings and behaviors in close relationships.

どんなに大人になっても, we still carry within ourselves the early impressions of what family and home meant to us – what did our child brain learn to associate with belonging, connectedness and security. This might not be obvious in most of our adult activities and roles which don’t call for a high level of intimacy (although it can sometimes show in close friendships). But 深い親密さを求めるとき私たちは無意識のうちに、幼少期の印象に頼っている。

愛とは、受容、信頼、理解、バランス、最も美しい（内面からの）自分であるための自由を意味すると想像できますか？意識的にはそうかもしれないが、もしあなたの両親が批判的で、無関心で、予測不可能で、支配的だったとしたら、健全な愛を提供されたとき、あなたは、温かく、近づきやすく、穏やかで、信頼できる人を、単にそう感じるかもしれない。 doesn’t love you the right way, or doesn’t offer the intensity, suspense and struggle you associate with love. You might even feel 健全な愛を受け入れたら、親を裏切り、見捨てたかのように。 and happiness. Many people don’t allow themselves to be happier than their parents.

両親との具体的な経験や成長過程によっては、愛と次のような感情や行動を結びつけることを学んだかもしれない：

• • • コントロール.混沌として頼りない両親のもとで育った人や、過度に厳格で批判的で懲罰的な両親のもとで育った人は、大人になってから、ある種の誇張されたコントロールに安心感や安堵感、愛情を求めることがある。そのような人の中には 人探し 誰が主導権を握るのか？ 責任 そして潜在的な罪悪感）。他の人は安全で、愛され、感謝されていると感じる 彼らが支配している場合のみ (そうでなければ無力感と混乱を恐れる）。時折起こる衝突や感情の抑圧、批判などの代償は、受け入れられると感じることができる。たとえそのような関係が安定していると感じられることがあったとしても、これほどアンバランスな関係が良い結果をもたらすことはない。何はなくとも、コントロールは停滞を招き、前向きな変化、疑問、新しい経験を通しての学習、抑圧された感情との向き合いなど、多くのチャンスを失うことになる。

• • • 罪悪感、恐怖、恥。 過度な要求、批判、罰を与える両親のもとで育った場合、おそらく罪悪感、恐怖、羞恥心が、両親とつながり、ある種の関係を確保するための方法だったのだろう。おそらく、罪悪感、恐れ、恥 それでも安心できる, meaning you feel they prevent you from committing mistakes and risking important relationships. Then people who make you feel guilty, fearful or ashamed might, paradoxically, appear safer in your mind than people who give you freedom to be yourself – because you don’t trust yourself (そのような自由を受け入れるのに十分なほど（そして他の人たちも）。

• • 孤独、悲しみ、憧れ。 もし両親が精神的、肉体的に不在であったり、手に入らなかったりした場合、寂しさや悲しみ、憧れでさえも、ある種のものを与えてくれる。 くつろぎ そしてつながりの感覚。このような心地よさは、以下に基づいている。 希望たとえ希望が幻想であったとしても。参照 When Hope is a “Negative” Emotion.)利用しやすく、温かく、近づきやすい人々というのは、希望や憧れといった慣れ親しんだ心地よい感情を諦めることを意味する。慣れ親しんだものがどんなに生ぬるく、満たされないものであっても、未知のものよりは安全で自然に感じられるかもしれない。

• • 怒りと軽蔑. If parents were manipulative, suffocating, childish, needy, and also in other toxic circumstances where a child wasn’t frightened or shamed enough to feel and express anger, such anger can remain within a person and come out in context of close relationships. This is often related to the dismissive-avoidant attachment disorder (記事)と親密さへの恐れ(記事), because love is perceived as dangerous to one’s own identity and boundaries. If you feel anger and resistance when a (potential) partner tries to come close or desires anything from you, you probably don’t feel safe to set good boundaries, or you feel that if you open up emotionally, it will be used against you. You might seek safety in separation and being alone, but it’s not a solution, just an illusion of a solution.

• • • 誰かを救い、愛を得る必要性。 Unhealthy, unhappy parents who need help, or parents who are cold, dismissive, difficult to please, can make a child feel the need to prove themselves and earn love – whether by trying to help the parents, or by trying to prove their own abilities and qualities. Such a person can learn to feel 特別かつ重要 たまに成功を収めれば、得るのが難しい愛を見つけることができるかもしれない。 より価値ある than love which is available and doesn’t require struggle, i.e., people who love them as they are. Even if they never succeed in proving themselves or saving someone, even if “earning” love requires fulfilling very unrealistic criteria or sacrificing their own important needs, 特別でありたいという願い can feel more attractive than love given freely. This includes the pattern of competing with a third person for someone’s love (if a love interest is already in a relationship, or sometimes with a partner’s or one’s own children). In reality, if you have to struggle to earn someone’s love, such love is obviously weak and fleeting rather than particularly valuable.

• ドラマ、戦い、暴力。 “Negative” attention is better than no attention in the mind of a child. If a child doesn’t have much chance to experience healthy attention, warmth, intimacy and happiness, then drama, rage and suspense can become associated with intense emotions, and therefore with the intensity of a relationship. A peaceful relationship full of respect and understanding doesn’t offer so much excitement, so many ups and downs, which such people can confuse with lack of passion.

These are just the most common patterns, and depending of our own experience, we can develop more “fine-tuned” and elaborated ones. Perhaps you are attracted to people who initially seem available and kind, but suddenly abandon you. Perhaps you are attracted to people who appear independent, authentic and warm, but turn out to be unhappy, withdrawn and insecure. Perhaps you stay in relationship with somebody not because of that person, but because their family seems to offer something you crave – warmth, belonging and connectedness, or status, security and power. Maybe your parents spoiled you and you believe love means receiving without needing to give. And so on.

これらの刷り込みは深く、理性や意識的な知識や経験よりもずっと古く、私たちの脳の本能的な部分に根ざしている。 変えられるか？ Yes, we can, if we invest persistent, intense effort for as long as it takes (and the time needed depends of how old you were when the toxic influences started – the younger you were, the more time you’ll need). The more honest and intense your effort, the better the results will be.

あなたは 愛と健全な感情や行動を結びつけることを学ぶ インナーチャイルドとのワーク、両親との関係の癒し、健康的で愛に満ちた人間関係の強烈なビジュアライゼーションを通して。こうすることで、あなたの愛に対する考え方を変えることができるだけでなく 本質的な自己イメージ – and that can change many other aspects of your life. It’s important to not get scared of change – and to not neglect working with your patterns as soon as pain and frustration subside. Your inner child can “fall asleep” and pain can recede back into subconscious mind – but the deep patterns won’t be healed until they are given dedicated and long-term attention.

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