Question: Where is the middle ground between “stop caring about what others think” & “stop being so selfish”?
photo de Leio McLarenRéponse : Le souci de ce que pensent les autres et l'égoïsme font tous deux partie de notre constitution biologique, ainsi que de notre éducation. Certaines personnes sont nées avec plus d'empathie et de conscience sociale, d'autres avec moins. Je pense que nous avons également un sens inné de l'équilibre entre nos besoins et ceux des autres. Cependant, des parents malsains et manipulateurs peuvent amener les enfants à ignorer, à oublier et à ne pas croire cet instinct naturel.
Pourquoi nous soucier de ce que pensent les autres ?
Caring for others’ opinions—even when those opinions are quite misguided—was crucial for prospering within a human community for hundreds of thousands of years. People who cooperated with others not only ensured their own survival; it also helped the survival and well-being of their offspring. Sometimes it was a matter of life and death—through most of human history, a person who was ostracized from a community could easily die. Only a few centuries ago, just being slightly strange or stepping on the wrong person’s toe could result in being burned at the stake. That’s a pretty strong motivation for caring about what others think!
On the other hand, selfishness could also result in a person gaining an advantage over others, ensuring their own and their children’s survival and prosperity. That’s why, as a species, we never lost it, despite the pressure to cooperate. Obviously, selfishness worked best for those who were stronger and more aggressive than the rest.
Trouver l'équilibre
But let’s focus on a practical answer: your body will usually send you signals if you are out of balance in either direction. However, it can also send you signals of fear and confusion if you were punished or manipulated as a child to deny your own needs in favor of others. Some parents can instill fear in their children by often expressing their own fear of what others think. Therefore, it’s very important to observe yourself in order to learn to distinguish between a healthy warning of lack of balance in your body and unhealthy emotions that are the result of childhood programming.
If you find this difficult early on, this question might be good guidance: Is what I’m doing bringing more trouble to others than it is important to me?
For example, if you are running to catch a plane, it’s not selfish to cause minor discomfort to other people by asking them to let you jump the queue. If you are exhausted or sick, it’s not selfish to take a seat in public transport, even if there are older people around, as long as none of them seem to be in worse condition than you.
En revanche, si vous mettez de la musique très forte au milieu de la nuit, vous provoquez une gêne importante, voire des problèmes de santé, pour de nombreuses personnes, alors que le fait de mettre la musique moins fort ou d'utiliser des écouteurs ne diminuerait pas votre plaisir de manière significative. Si vous bloquez le trottoir pour discuter avec un ami, vous frustrez de nombreuses personnes alors qu'il ne vous en coûterait rien de vous déplacer sur le côté.
There are also plenty of situations in which all people involved might have strong needs and desires, in which case finding an answer is not so straightforward. But as long as you are honestly looking for balance, you don’t have to worry that you are being selfish.
If you’re often troubled by what others think, remember that it may be the result of excessive social control over many generations. On the other hand, if others tell you that you’re selfish, it might be useful to sometimes put yourself in their shoes and see yourself from their perspective.
Lire la suite :
7 Steps To Get Out Of Your Comfort Zone
Comment apprendre aux enfants à utiliser leur intuition
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