Transcripción: Aclaración

Este es un extracto de una transcripción del módulo 1 de la formación en Coaching Sistémico Integrativo. La clarificación es uno de los primeros pasos de nuestro enfoque, relativamente sencillo y fácil para principiantes, pero muy eficaz.

ANNA: I felt some resistance in the last exercise. It was about the relationship between me, my mother, and her sister. When I was born, my mother was left in the hospital for the next two weeks, and I came home with my father and my aunt, my mother’s sister. For those first two weeks the aunt was my mother, she was mothering me instead of my mother. Since I can remember, since I was about five years old, I remember that my aunt was more important to me than my mother. My mother was very jealous of the relationship between me and her sister, so she was very controlling, she was even using some force, while my aunt was very supportive. During clarification, I resisted, I refused putting my mother in the place where she should be, because that place was already occupied by my aunt.

KOSJENKA: Ok, genial. ¿Quizás podríamos hacer una demostración contigo si estás de acuerdo, Anna?

Clarification can be difficult to systematize and describe, because it depends so much of what your client tells you, and that could be just about anything. Let’s see what comes up with Anna and then we’ll learn more about what we can do with it. Anna, imagine to see your mother, where is she in your family map?

ANNA: She’s walking around me.

KOSJENKA: That sounds like there is some confusion about her. Sometimes when you are not quite sure where to start, or as a relatively easy introduction to clarification for a client, you could ask, „What would you like to say to this family member, that you never said or never had a chance to say?” Anna, is there something that you would spontaneously like to say to your mother that you would like your mother to know?

ANNA: Me gustaría decirle que me diera un respiro, que me dejara en paz, que me dejara en paz.

KOSJENKA: This can also be a part of clarification. Clarification is not just about a formula, although we are working towards, let’s say, an end formula: You are my mother – I am your daughter. Especially if a relationship is difficult, let clients say whatever they want to say at first. You can think of clarification as a conversation in which everything that needs to be brought to the light is brought to the light, with the end goal of coming to an agreement of who is who in a healthy relationship. Anna, go ahead and say to your mother, “Leave me alone.”

Déjame en paz.

KOSJENKA: Comprueba cómo respondería madre espontáneamente.

ANNA: She’s a bit surprised now. She doesn’t say a thing but she’s showing me her fist, she’s shaking her fist.

KOSJENKA: Tal vez podrías explicarle a tu madre lo que te molestaba, lo que te perturbaba de su comportamiento.

ANNA: Me gritaba, me pegaba, leía mis diarios, comprobaba qué tipo de libros leía para censurarlos.

KOSJENKA: How would mother react if you’d explain this to her?

ANNA: She says that you have to keep your kids on a short leash. Otherwise they don’t have respect for anyone.

KOSJENKA: A few decades ago it was a common idea that you have to control your children quite harshly, otherwise you’d spoil them. People often don’t seem to see much between one extreme and the other. Anna, ask your mother, „Who taught you that?”

ANNA: Ella dijo que era la escuela. Mi madre era maestra.

KOSJENKA: Así que tuvo que disciplinar a un gran grupo de niños revoltosos.

ANNA: She was also teaching me, and I remember when she would take me out of the classroom and to the teacher’s room and then would beat me with a cable.

KOSJENKA: Leaving physical abuse aside for now, please say to your mother, „You are not my teacher, you are my mother. I need you to love me like a mother loves her child, not just discipline me like a teacher disciplines a student”. How does mother respond?

ANNA: She’s like frozen.

KOSJENKA: Imagine to step into mother’s place. If that is uncomfortable, you don’t have to feel too strongly what is going on in your mother, just enough to get some information. Imagine to be your mother and to be frozen when your child asks you to love her as a mother loves her daughter. If you are the mother, why are you frozen?

ANNA: (As the mother) I cannot even see that child. My first thought, my first concern is how I look like when I’m frozen this way.

KOSJENKA: Sounds like the mother is very concerned with what people might say. That’s quite often the case when a parent is a teacher; what would people say about their children. Anna, if you are your mother, who taught you to feel all that fear of what people would say?

Ya veo, madre.

KOSJENKA: Mother’s mother?

Sí.

KOSJENKA: That’s very normal, and it’s also very common in clarification that sometimes you need to clarify with another family member before you can continue working with the first one. Where stands grandmother in relation to mother, Anna?

Justo delante de mí.

KOSJENKA: ¿Qué le gustaría decirle espontáneamente a su madre, tu abuela?

ANNA: I’m sick and I cannot work, I’m not able to work, I’m sick.

KOSJENKA: ¿Puede darnos algo más de contexto? ¿La madre estaba enferma y la abuela la obligó a trabajar cuando era joven?

ANNA: I don’t know about my mother’s childhood, but when she was a young woman she got pregnant and the child died, and in some complications she got some heart muscle inflammation and she has had heart problems since then. As they were living in a village, the parents expected their children to help them with work. My mother couldn’t really help much because of the heart problem. When I was young, since I was 12, 14 years old, I was also sent there to help my grandparents.

KOSJENKA: What would grandmother say to mother’s words, “I’m sick, don’t make me work so much”?

ANNA: Ella lo aprueba, lo acepta, pero por otro lado también dice que hay que rezar mucho, hay que rezar mucho.

KOSJENKA: ¿Cómo es eso para la madre?

ANNA: Mother feels it was too easy, she doesn’t really feel too much about that. She feels happy about it but not very happy.

KOSJENKA: I would imagine that the key problem is somewhere further in her childhood but we don’t have to know all the details right now. Anna, as mother, what would you really like from your mother? How does the mother want grandmother to love her?

ANNA (en el papel de su madre): Quiero decir que no estaba cambiando mis pañales.

KOSJENKA: Incluso eso es una aclaración. ¿Cómo respondería la abuela a esto?

ANNA: Grandma ran away. She’s running away from this.

KOSJENKA: Please say to grandma, “Please don’t run away, I need you.” What says grandma?

ANNA: Grandmother has stopped running, but she’s holding her head in her hand and she’s crying terribly.

KOSJENKA: Ask grandmother, “Why are you crying?”

ANNA: La abuela dice que fue una gran vergüenza.

KOSJENKA: ¿Cuál fue la gran vergüenza?

ANNA: Para tener un hijo.

¿Fue un embarazo no planeado o algo así?

ANNA: Grandma is crying and she says that she’s not going to say it to anyone.

KOSJENKA: Go back into yourself, be Anna again. Say to grandmother, “I’m sorry you suffered that shame. People can be cruel sometimes.” What says grandmother?

ANNA: La abuela dice, no sabes nada y no puedes saber nada al respecto.

KOSJENKA: Say to grandma, “Ok, I don’t know anything about it and I’m sorry that people were cruel to you.” What says grandmother?

ANNA: Grandma has changed, she’s curled inside herself now and she is shaped like an embryo.

KOSJENKA: Tal vez tenemos que hablar con su madre. Qué diría la bisabuela de toda esta situación?

ANNA: Great-grandmother is angry, she’s furious right now.

KOSJENKA: Pregúntale a la bisabuela qué la enfada tanto.

ANNA: It’s about the shame her daughter is going to bring to her.

KOSJENKA: Say to great-grandmother, „People are cruel sometimes. Cruelty is the true shame.” But by now the society has changed. What would great-grandmother say about what is possible now, what wasn’t possible then?

ANNA: La bisabuela lo dejaría ir, ella puede dejar ir esta emoción ahora, y puedo ver mucha luz a su alrededor, y ella dice que me cree.

Hermoso. Pídele a tu bisabuela que reconozca cuánto dolor carga su hija. Quizás la abuela se enamoró de alguien, se sintió llena de amor y quizás esperaba que si se siente tan bien, nada puede salir mal.

ANNA: No, I don’t think so because it was the time of the war, it was 1941. It’s possible that my grandma was raped but I don’t know that.

KOSJENKA: Please ask great-grandmother not to hurt her daughter on top of the hurt she’s already suffered.

La bisabuela está llorando.

KOSJENKA: Pídele a la bisabuela que apoye a su hija, que la ayude, que la quiera.

ANNA: Lo entiende y dice que lo intenta, que quiere.

KOSJENKA: Is grandmother willing to accept her mother’s help?

ANNA: The grandmother is now opening from that embryo position. She doesn’t say much now but she is ready to accept.

KOSJENKA: Great. Watch grandmother accepting her mother’s support and love. Maybe she could relax, maybe she could feel better about herself, maybe she could feel better about her daughter, maybe she could learn about how to support a child even against what the world might say.

ANNA: Parece joven, tiene como 20 y pico años y es preciosa. Se siente tan bien.

Genial. Dile que un día tendrá una hija preciosa y que su hija necesitará que la quiera. ¿Qué diría la abuela?

ANNA: Se tocó la barriga y me sonrió.

KOSJENKA: Tell her that all children are chaotic sometimes, they need to make mistakes, they need to explore. Tell her that it’s important to be patient and kind, for the future of her daughter and for the future of the next generations, too.

ANNA: She is accepting it, she’s happy about it, she’s touching her belly, patting her belly, she’s wearing a polka dot dress and standing somewhere in the fields.

KOSJENKA: Genial. Imagina que le muestras a tu madre en el futuro, su hija, y le pides que la apoye, que la ame como una madre ama a su hija. Que sea amable con ella, que tenga paciencia, que sea cariñosa. ¿Qué sucede?

ANNA: Grandmother told her now that she’s a mature woman, and my mother stopped paying attention to her clothes, to how they look like, she’s looking at my grandma and I can see some sort of connection between them, like they see each other.

KOSJENKA: Vuelve a decirle a tu abuela: Por favor, ama a tu hija como una madre ama a su hijo.

ANNA: Eso dice, dice que la quiere sin problemas.

KOSJENKA: ¿Cómo es esto para la madre ahora?

ANNA: She looks like she’s lost.

¿Quizás necesita algo de tiempo para acostumbrarse?

Probablemente.

Dale algo de tiempo para que se acostumbre. Por cierto, ¿tienes a alguien roncando por ahí? (Nota: se trataba de una formación en línea.)

Lo siento. Tengo dos bulldogs ingleses.

KOSJENKA: I didn’t know they could snore.

Duermo con ellos todas las noches.

KOSJENKA: Lucky you, you don’t have such sensitive ears as I.

ANNA: Me digo a mi misma que esas son ondas alfa y solo tengo que sintonizarme con ellas.

KOSJENKA: That’s a good way to comfort yourself.
¿Cómo se encuentra ahora tu madre?

ANNA: She’s straightened up, her head is high and she looks happy, content.

KOSJENKA: Great. Now imagine grandmother tells her, „Please love Anna, your daughter.”

ANNA: Mother responds, „Well, when she earns it.”

KOSJENKA: ¿Qué diría la abuela a eso ahora?

ANNA: Grandmother says, “Just love her”.

KOSJENKA: ¿Cómo es eso para la madre?

ANNA: Mom can see me, but she doesn’t really do much, doesn’t say anything, doesn’t make any gestures, but she’s looking at me closely.

KOSJENKA: Anna, imagina de nuevo ser tu madre. Imagina dos generaciones de madres cariñosas y comprensivas detrás de ti.

ANNA: Sentí esto, realmente sentí esto, incluso enderecé mi espalda. Se siente bien, se siente como algo que me apoya.

Genial. Ahora, como madre, mira a tu hija, mira a Anna de cerca. ¿Qué es lo que ve?

ANNA (as mother): I see a five year old. She’s very fragile.

KOSJENKA: ¿Qué sientes por tu hija?

ANNA: Creo que me necesita y podría intentar apoyarla.

KOSJENKA: Volviendo a Anna, por favor dile a tu madre cómo te gustaría que te quisiera y te apoyara.

ANNA (como ella misma): Me gustaría que me diera un poco de espacio y me dejara crear.

¿Cómo respondería tu madre si le dijeras eso?

ANNA: En cierto modo lo desea, pero por otro lado siente una especie de miedo a que yo misma me meta en problemas, a que tenga problemas por ello.

¿Qué le dirías al respecto?

ANNA: Que esta es mi vida y sería sólo mis problemas y problemas.

KOSJENKA: Quizá también le diga que a veces los niños necesitan problemas para aprender de ellos. A veces, tener problemas puede ayudar a los niños a aprender a afrontarlos o a evitarlos. Es mejor aprender pronto de los pequeños problemas que después de los peores. ¿Qué le parecería a mamá?

ANNA: She feels good. Earlier she was not really clear, like there was not best resolution in that image of her, but now it feels like she’s got more pixels, the resolution is better.

KOSJENKA: Genial. ¿Qué sientes, qué le gustaría decirte a tu madre ahora?

ANNA: “Ok then, go.”

KOSJENKA: Imagina que la pequeña Anna puede tener más espacio, más libertad. ¿Cómo sería eso?

ANNA: It feels great, I’m jumping into a huge aquarium with coral reef, which was always my dream.

KOSJENKA: While the child is playing in the coral reef I’ll comment about a few things. Sometimes you can simply ask the client what would they like to say, or what would they like to comment about what is going on. You don’t have to guide the client all the time. Sometimes a client can feel what would be the most appropriate clarification better than you. It’s like a dance with the client, you listen to their responses, rather than trying to fit the process into some sort of frame as quickly as possible. Whatever needs to be resolved before the next step could be done, resolve it. We never push anything, we never force anything, otherwise we’ll just make the work longer and more difficult. Whatever we skip, we will have to go back to it some time or another. Anna, do you think you are ready now to say to your mother, “You are my mother”?

Sí.

KOSJENKA: Say to her, „You are my mother; I am your daughter. I wish we weren’t separated at a time when we needed to connect the most.” How does mother respond?

ANNA: She doesn’t say much, she doesn’t do much, but her face is softer. She is looking at me with care and love.

KOSJENKA: Say to her, “I wish we could have had a better connection, and I know you wanted that too.” What says mother?

ANNA: She confirms it and it looks like she would like to hug me but she’s a little bit afraid.

¿Quieres que te abrace?

Sí.

KOSJENKA: Say to mother, „Let’s try, let’s see what happens.”

ANNA: We’re taking baby steps now towards each other. Now we’re hugging.

Genial. Puedes ser tan lento y cuidadoso como desees. Sólo dale tiempo y nota cómo se siente.

ANNA: … We stopped hugging and right now we are leaning on each other’s backs. Our backs are touching.

Genial. Pídele a tu madre que se coloque detrás de tu hombro izquierdo y ponga su brazo sobre tu hombro.

ANNA: That’s what happened, my mother did that and there was no resistance and I feel like everything is in its place, like there is an order to it.

ANNA: Great. This sounds like a good time to stop for now. Some clarification with the aunt would be a good idea next, maybe between mother and aunt, just to clarify who is mother and who is aunt, maybe mother would be angry at the aunt for taking her place. Who knows what else has happened with mother, perhaps there are some traumas to resolve, but that’s a topic for another time. This is a good demonstration, I think, to show how complex a clarification can be. This is perfectly normal, most sessions won’t be straightforward and easy. Thank you, Anna.

Gracias.

Nuestra próxima formación de coaching en línea comienza el 26 de abril de 2025, a las 9 de la mañana hora CET. Póngase en contacto con nosotros si desea participar.

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