Cómo superar una ruptura en 10 pasos

Pregunta: I recently went through an unexpected breakup, and I’m finding it very hard to move on. I can’t stop thinking about my ex, and it feels like nothing makes sense without them. I know I need to heal, but I don’t even know where to start. How to overcome breakup? Can you help me get rid of this pain?

Contesta:

If there’s one message I’d like to spread to the world, it’s that the more intense our emotions are, the more likely they originate from our childhood. This is especially important when people ask, “How to overcome breakup pain?”

Yes, the pain is real. It’s happening now. It may feel too overwhelming and persistent to believe it has roots in the past as well as the present. Yet, in my 20+ years of experience in psychological coaching, whenever someone struggles to move on from an ex, there is almost always a deeper, more existential trauma—often related to parental abandonment—at the core of their pain.

Parental abandonment doesn’t have to be physical, or even literal. It can stem from a mother returning to work after maternity leave, or a parent being hospitalized, for example. Babies can feel abandoned when their parents sleep in a different room and ignore their cries at night. A parent may be emotionally unavailable, critical, unpredictable, or dismissive. Any of these and similar experiences can be shocking for a sensitive child and leave a lasting imprint.

Small children cling to their parents for dear life. Anything that threatens that bond sends waves of shock and emotional pain through the child—it’s a survival mechanism. Intense emotional pain and the compulsion to do anything to restore the connection, including blaming and criticizing ourselves, are part of that mechanism. Any emotion that feels survival-related in childhood often remains etched in our subconscious mind.

Como adultos, tendemos a sentir la atracción romántica más fuerte hacia personas que inconscientemente nos recuerdan nuestro hogar, o que parecen ofrecernos la oportunidad de sanar lo que nos faltó en la infancia (véase: Patrones en las relaciones amorosas). For most of us, there’s still an “inner child” seeking to have old emotional needs met.

When our “inner child” emotionally bonds with someone and that person leaves, old existential pain, fear, and self-doubt can resurface with full intensity. We may suddenly feel like life doesn’t make sense without them, as if there is no one else in the world who could ever replace them – which is exactly how a child feels about their parent. Of course, some of the pain comes from the present loss, but that pain would be much more grounded and bearable if it weren’t intertwined with unresolved childhood trauma.

So, knowing this, how to overcome breakup trauma? Here are some strategies that have worked for me and many others I’ve worked with:

1. Cada vez que aparezca el dolor emocional, recuérdate a ti mismo que proviene al menos tanto de tu infancia como de la situación actual (si no más).

2. Allow yourself to feel your emotions. Don’t give in to them, but observe and accept them with compassion. “What you resist, persists; what you accept, dissolves.” Acknowledging emotions helps you process them, while fighting them only makes them stronger.

3. Observa y verbaliza los peores y más dolorosos pensamientos e impresiones que te vengan a la mente, independientemente de lo exagerados e irracionales que puedan ser. Pregúntate: ¿con cuál de tus padres (o tal vez con otros cuidadores tempranos) podría estar relacionado esto?

4. Tómate todo el tiempo que necesites para amar y consolar a tu niño interior. 5. Dile a tu niño interior todo lo que le dirías a un buen amigo en una situación similar.

5. Si tus padres eran generalmente bienintencionados y compasivos, imagínatelos también consolando a tu niño interior, dándole amor y aprecio de muchas maneras.

6. Si tus padres no eran sanos, imagínate a unos padres diferentes, más sanos, dándote amor y apoyo. Aquí tienes un ejercicio guiado que puede ayudarte con esto.

7. Now let’s focus on the future. Keep reminding yourself that in a few months, this pain will be behind you, and there will be plenty of other opportunities for happiness. When one door closes, many others open.

8. Remind yourself that good relationships don’t end; bad ones do. You are likely missing the illusion of your ex rather than who they really were. If they hadn’t left now, you might have just wasted more time and opportunities with them, and things could have gotten worse. Eventually, you would have gone through the same pain, so it’s better to face it sooner rather than later.

9. Ask yourself: what can I learn from this experience that will make my future relationship(s) better and healthier? Perhaps you’ll learn how to reconocer las señales de alarmacomunicar más eficazmenteo evitar que le den por sentado. Anota todas las lecciones que puedas y piensa en cómo aplicarlas en el futuro. Si puedes ver esta experiencia como algo que, en última instancia, mejorará tu futuro, podrás ser más amable contigo mismo y adoptar una perspectiva positiva.

10. Piensa en lo que realmente quieres en una relación de pareja. Deja que tu dolor te guíe toward understanding what you deeply long for and what truly matters to you in life. Envision a future relationship that fulfills your desires—better than the one that ended. Allow yourself to embrace this vision and get comfortable with it. Tell yourself that you deserve it. The better you can imagine a healthy relationship, the easier it will be to recognize it when you meet the right person.

I hope you’ll find this advice on how to overcome breakup helpful, and if you want to explore and resolve the roots of your childhood trauma and emotional patterns, our coaching en línea está diseñado para eso.

Lea más:

Patrones en las relaciones amorosas

Convierta el dolor emocional en pasión e inspiración

¿Qué cree tu subconsciente sobre el amor?

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