¿Cómo dejar de ser un obseso del control?

Pregunta: How to stop being a control freak? I want to stop trying to control everything and micromanage others, but I don’t know where to start. I feel anxious when things aren’t exactly as I think they should be. It stresses me out and causes me to alienate others. Can you help?

Respuesta: Según mi experiencia, la necesidad de controlar tu entorno y a las personas que te rodean suele tener su origen en experiencias de la infancia:

Niños parentizados

Most commonly, such a person was “parentified” as a small child. This means one or more adults around them were acting immature, needy, or unpredictable. Directly or indirectly, they may have indicated that the child needed to take responsibility and manage the situation.

Puedes imaginarte (y quizás hayas experimentado) lo aterrador que puede ser esto para un niño. En lugar de ser protegido, guiado y enseñado a enfrentarse a los retos por los adultos que deberían hacerlo de forma natural, el niño es empujado al papel de ayudante, o incluso de protector, con poca experiencia, poder o autoridad para hacerlo de forma eficaz.

Small children think in simple, generalized terms. There is little sense of nuance or complexity. They don’t yet have the perspective to discern what is tolerable and what isn’t, or what might have serious consequences versus what probably won’t. For a child, everything feels important, intense, and absolute—all or nothing. Parentified children often feel: either I have everything under control, or everything will fall apart and something horrible will follow.

Losing control (which, of course, often happens to parentified children despite their best efforts) can bring guilt, a sense of inadequacy, and an almost mortal fear of losing a parent or the whole family. It can also result in the child being criticized or rejected by one or more family members. These experiences shape the child’s mental and emotional development, influencing their expectations of the world and relationships.

Even as adults, they often continue to feel that if they don’t have control over their environment, things will quickly fall apart and they will be rejected. A person who couldn’t trust their own parents to be reliable, can often feel a lack of trust in other important people. Ironically, the very behavior that once kept chaos and rejection at bay can now lead to rejection in adulthood.

Modelos parentales

Las personas cuyos padres eran muy críticos y controladores pueden adoptar este comportamiento como algo perfectamente normal y esperado. Pueden percibir el comportamiento controlador como una expresión de amor y cariño.

Since controlling parents are often driven by fear, the child may absorb this fear and form the belief that the world is a dangerous, unpredictable place. For young children, their parents’ fear is often far more impactful than their own, shaping how they view and interact with the world.

Trauma, abuso o negligencia

En situaciones de trauma y abuso, los niños (y los adultos) pueden sentirse totalmente impotentes, perdidos y abrumados. Pueden probar varias estrategias de afrontamiento y, en última instancia, adoptar las que les parezcan más eficaces. Si descubren que intentar controlarlo todo les ayuda a gestionar su ansiedad, adoptarán ese comportamiento como mecanismo de protección. Como en los casos anteriores, también pueden sentirse excesivamente responsables de todo lo que les rodea.

Un niño desatendido puede asumir demasiadas responsabilidades en un esfuerzo por demostrar su valía. Puede descubrir que controlar a la gente y las circunstancias le proporciona atención y aprobación. Cuanto más se refuerzan estas pautas a lo largo del tiempo, más arraigado queda el comportamiento, que a menudo se prolonga hasta la edad adulta.

Rasgos heredados

La ansiedad y el trastorno obsesivo-compulsivo (TOC) pueden tener raíces biológicas. Experiencias traumáticas en generaciones pasadas pueden haber provocado cambios en el ADN que se transmitieron a los descendientes de las personas afectadas. Aun así, suele ser el entorno el que activa y moldea el desarrollo de nuestro potencial genético.

¿Cómo perder el control?

So, how do you stop being a control freak? First, based on the information above, start by recognizing your emotions and identifying where they come from. Ask yourself: What do I fear will happen if I don’t interfere? Why don’t I trust others to handle things? How old do I feel when I experience that fear? What does it remind me of? What emotions am I really afraid of? How could I cope with these emotions differently?

Second, remind yourself that you are no longer a child at the mercy of others. If the thing you worry about happens—say you’re late or a child gets a minor scratch—is it really so terrible? How can you cope if it does happen? How likely is it that it will? While some things are worth preventing, there are many small issues that don’t matter as much as we think, or are unlikely to happen. Remind yourself that if you risk alienating people over minor things, it’s probably not worth it.

Third, practice letting go of control in small steps. What small, manageable things can you allow without feeling overwhelmed? (Don’t go to extremes or ignore common sense, of course.) Perhaps try not cleaning up every tiny mess immediately, letting a child break a toy, or arriving 5 minutes late. If nothing bad happens, recognize that and enjoy the relief. If something mildly unpleasant happens, allow yourself to feel the emotions without panicking. Again, think about where these feelings come from and be kind to yourself as you process them. You may find it’s not as difficult to manage as you imagined.

Fourth, when something really bothers you, but you know it’s a small issue, make your requests to others in a considerate and respectful way, rather than blaming or demanding. For example: “I know it doesn’t really matter if we’re a bit late, but for some reason it really bothers me. Could you do me a favor and hurry up?” Taking responsibility for your feelings, rather than insisting you’re right and others are wrong, has a much better impact on relationships.

Finally, be aware that some people are labeled “controlling” by selfish or narcissistic individuals who don’t want to cooperate or be considerate. Know the difference. Find your inner sense of balance. Recognize what truly matters to you and why. If you feel like someone is manipulating or emotionally blackmailing you but you’re unsure who’s in the right, seek feedback from trustworthy and mature individuals.

Si desea profundizar y trabajar en la resolución de su programación infantil, considere la posibilidad de probar nuestra coaching en línea.

Lectura recomendada:

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