In my previous article, I wrote that narcissism is a continuum—a spectrum—rather than an “all or nothing” trait. Everyone possesses narcissistic traits; the only difference lies in how pronounced and dominant they are compared to other motivations and character traits. There are many transitional and borderline personality types where narcissistic traits are significantly more prominent. Many of them do not fall into any diagnosable category. However, in recent years, two specific terms have increasingly been used for these “transitional” forms: vulnerable narcissism y prosocial/altruistic narcissism.
Understanding these categories could be eye-opening for many. Yet, they are often excellently camouflaged and difficult to recognize—and even harder to expose publicly. I will discuss altruistic narcissism in the next article, but in this one, we will explain the term “vulnerable narcissism.”
What is Vulnerable Narcissism?
While genetics should not be ignored, it is believed that environmental influence is more pronounced in vulnerable narcissism. It is rooted in deep ego wounds during childhood—intense experiences of shame and/or insecurity. As adults, these individuals possess an extremely fragile ego and employ powerful defense mechanisms.
Similar to classic (grandiose) narcissists, they have an excessive need for approval, attention, and even glorification. The core of narcissism is the same: an exaggerated sense of self-importance masking a deeply unstable, vulnerable ego. The key difference lies in their relationship to the reactions of others—specifically, their awareness of potential social rejection.
A grandiose narcissist is usually aware of others’ negative reactions but perceives them as the other person’s weakness or jealousy. They are not motivated by a fear of rejection, but by a desire for rewards. They will often resort to dominant, aggressive strategies because experience tells them this is how they get what they want.
En el vulnerable narcissist, despite their conviction of their own importance, a deep fear of others’ reactions dominates: fear of rejection or ridicule. If they do not receive the attention and recognition they desire, they will not re-examine themselves or others’ perspectives; instead, they will blame others, much like the grandiose narcissist. However, they will not dare to express that anger and blame directly. Instead, they typically develop passive-aggressive approaches, such as playing the victim, withdrawing, and other forms of emotional manipulation.
Most people find it harder to see through and directly confront passive aggression and manipulation. The vulnerable narcissist uses manipulation through guilt, withdrawal, or expressions of hurt. In doing so, they will likely be very authentic, and therefore convincing, because they truly believe the other person is at fault.
This means it is not necessarily a case of conscious manipulation. The vulnerable narcissist simply believes they are not getting what they need because the rest of the world is bad or selfish. They express this in ways that are safer than direct confrontation. It is far less risky to act as a victim and speak of one’s suffering and hurt than to attack or demand directly.
Vulnerable Narcissism and Selective Empathy
Regarding affective empathy (compassion), studies show that both vulnerable and grandiose narcissists have a similar deficit. Furthermore, a vulnerable narcissist may even react more negatively to the suffering of others than a grandiose one. Why? While a grandiose narcissist is more likely to react with indifference or contempt to someone else’s pain, a vulnerable narcissist can feel overwhelmed by it, perceiving it as a threat to their own ego, and consequently seeing themselves as the “greater victim.”
In other words, when you feel bad, they feel bad too—but not *for* you. They feel bad because your suffering burdens or frightens them – or they see it as a competition. Consequently, they will often silence you or turn the story back to themselves (“Do you know how hard it is for me to see you like this?”).
A vulnerable narcissist more easily feels and expresses empathy toward people and situations that do not threaten their ego or require a change in their behavior, for example:
– Strangers (victims of war or disasters in the news).
– People they perceive as weaker (sometimes, though not always, children, the sick, or the elderly).
– People outside their inner circle
– Animals and nature.
When showing empathy toward such subjects, the vulnerable narcissist sees themselves in them—a projection of their own pain. They usually see themselves as a righteous person and a victim. They use empathy toward the weak to confirm their moral superiority and alleviate an internal sense of shame. However, if those same people were to directly ask something of them, or in some way become “competition,” that empathy would quickly vanish.
Empathy is easily overwhelmed by rage in cases where the vulnerable narcissist’s ego is bruised, such as:
– When they are told “no” or when others set boundaries.
– When they receive even very mild and constructive criticism (or even a question/comment that isn’t criticism, but is interpreted as such).
– When they feel they are not being given “enough” attention, approval, or recognition.
– When they feel they are losing control.
– When their expectations are not met.
– Anything they perceive as a threat or an indirect challenge to their beliefs and values, especially those they consider morally superior.
Naturally, these situations occur most frequently with those closest to them. Like it or not, even with those we love, there are frequent differences in desires, needs, and expectations, as well as misunderstandings in communication and beliefs. For a narcissistic person, all of this represents a massive, sometimes unbearable threat to their ego. The reaction will typically be passive aggression, sentences such as: “It’s fine, I already know that no one thinks of me.” Or non-verbally: silence, sighing, withdrawing to another room…
Vulnerable Narcissism or Just Hypersensitivity?
The more that is known about this form of narcissism, the greater the likelihood that people who are simply more sensitive than most will be accused of it. Often, accusations of narcissism are themselves a form of narcissistic manipulation, so be very careful with this.
At first glance, vulnerable narcissism and hypersensitivity (HSP or Highly Sensitive Person) can seem similar, as both types are prone to withdrawal, emotional sensitivity, and a feeling of being misunderstood by others. Here are some ways to distinguish them:
The Highly Sensitive Person (HSP):
– Though easily hurt by rudeness or neglect, such a person is prone to self-reflection and self-criticism, rather than just blaming others.
– May have difficulty setting boundaries because they fear hurting others.
– Sensitivity may manifest toward other stimuli (sounds, smells, visuals), not just emotional ones.
– Does not use their hurt as a weapon; they are more likely to attempt constructive communication or at least genuine complaints (though this depends on their communication skills).
– Will not perceive every disagreement or neutral stance as a humiliation.
– Can apologize and change their behavior if they recognize their mistake.
The Vulnerable Narcissist:
– Blames others and does not engage in self-reflection.
– Observes others not to see how they feel or what they need, but to see if they are reacting positively enough to them.
– Can perceive even a neutral reaction as a humiliation, and especially disagreement/criticism.
– Reacts strongly (by blaming) to anything that does not align with their expectations.
– Does not process their own emotions but seeks to control the emotions of others.
– An apology or change in behavior is very unlikely, and sometimes a criticism is hidden within the apology itself (“I’m sorry you feel this way.”)
The article “¿Eres demasiado sensible?” explores hypersensitivity in more depth.
Children of Vulnerable Narcissists
The discrepancy between (apparent) empathy toward those outside the family and extreme self-centeredness within the inner circle can cause great confusion in others, especially children. Children have a need to believe their parents and base their self-image on parental messages. If someone sends the message, “I empathize with other people, but su emotions hurt me,” it is far worse for a child than “I don’t empathize with anyone”! Furthermore, the vulnerable narcissist is usually very skilled at convincing others that their emotions cause them pain. A child may begin to perceive themselves as an “abuser” simply for having and expressing their own desires.
For the vulnerable narcissist, a “good” person is one who indulges them—someone who sacrifices themselves, prioritizes the narcissist’s needs, shows no dissatisfaction, and asks for no change. (This can include animals.) A person who agrees that the narcissist is a victim and is morally superior to others. Preferably someone who admires them. Children are often perfect targets—someone who can be convinced and molded. However, if children eventually see through the manipulation and begin to set boundaries, a rift usually follows.
The hardest challenge for children of vulnerable narcissists is liberating themselves from internalized guilt. They often grew up believing that every boundary they set was an act of aggression against the “poor” parent. When a parent uses their own sacrifice and vulnerability as a shield—or a weapon—you unconsciously take on the role of their caregiver, suppressing your own identity and needs. It is vital to understand that your guilt is not realistic. It is the result of years of manipulation in which your autonomy was labeled as selfishness, and your obedience as proof of love.
It is necessary to accept that you cannot help such a parent, no matter how hard you try. Autonomy and setting boundaries are not selfishness, but the key to emotional health and balance. Allowing yourself to be a separate and whole person, despite the accusations and blame, is the only way to break the transgenerational chain of trauma.
Related articles:
¿Cómo reconocer el chantaje emocional?
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