Wie Sie soziale Ablehnung und Unbeholfenheit überwinden

Der Instinkt, dazuzugehören

Der Mensch hat ein instinktives Bedürfnis, von anderen akzeptiert zu werden und sich mit ihnen verbunden zu fühlen. Wir sind nicht in der Lage, allein zu überleben, und die Zusammenarbeit in Stämmen war überlebenswichtig für uns selbst as a species. Through most of human history, and occasionally still in the present times, being different or not fitting in didn’t only mean social rejection – it meant your tribe could straight up turn against you and murder you, such as in “witch hunts” or “honor killings”. Even pack animals are known to show hostility to pack members who look different, like albino cubs. Often, it’s not only people who stick out in “negative” ways who are rejected – many high quality people end up rejected simply because they are different than average.

Wir Menschen haben also eine tiefe Instinkt, Ablehnung zu fürchten, which makes us judge ourselves by others’ feedback – to question ourselves and form conclusions about ourselves based on what people around us tell us or how they treat us. This instinct is the strongest in a child, but adult people feel it too.

Doch wie bei jeder anderen persönlichen Eigenschaft und jedem anderen Instinkt, wie z.B. Empathie, Intelligenz, Machtbedürfnis usw., ist der Instinkt, dazuzugehören und akzeptiert zu werden nicht bei jedem gleich stark ausgeprägt. Some people don’t seem to have much of it. Even as children, they don’t suffer as much as most when they feel rejected, and as adults they don’t care much about fitting in. Interestingly, this is often exactly der Grund, warum viele Menschen sie bewundern und wollen in ihrer Nähe sein.

Wir spüren, wie einschränkend und belastend das Bedürfnis sein kann, sich anzupassen, wenn die Stammesregeln und -erwartungen starr sind, und wir sehnen uns insgeheim nach mehr Freiheit. Thus, paradoxically, it’s often the people with the strongest need to fit in who end up rejected, dismissed, or even bullied, because their fear of others’ opinions makes them shy, awkward and tense, which others don’t appreciate. Human mind and human nature are full of paradoxes.

Einfluss der Familie

Wie werden wir als Erwachsene mit sozialer Ausgrenzung umgehen, vor allem hängt von den Erfahrungen unserer Kindheit ab (besides the innate strength of our instinct to belong). As I wrote in the article “Kinder brauchen Herausforderungen“, children who feel supported by their parents can much more easily cope with problems in the outer world, because parents are much more important to young children than the outer world.

Aber wenn wir uns von unseren Eltern abgelehnt gefühlt haben oder einfach nicht interessant genug für unsere Eltern waren, bestätigt jede Ablehnung, die wir außerhalb unserer Familie erfahren, unsere bestehende schlechte Meinung über uns selbst und schneidet tiefer ein. In der Tat werden wir wahrscheinlich nicht bemerken oder schnell dismiss any feedback that doesn’t match the feedback we got from our parents – even when the external feedback is positive. This pattern can easily persist into adulthood.

Noch schlimmer ist die Situation, wenn unsere Eltern sich selbst sozial unzulänglich fühlten und fürchteten, was die Nachbarn sagen könnten. Was Eltern fürchten, fürchtet das Kind noch mehrvor allem, wenn die Angst die Eltern dazu bringt, das Kind zu bestrafen. Einige unserer sozialen Ängste und Gefühle der Unzulänglichkeit könnten also sein Generationsübergreifend – not only coming from our own childhood, but from our parents’ childhoods (and further).

Wenn wir uns als Kinder unzulänglich fühlen, kann uns das zu als Erwachsene überkompensierenentweder, indem wir die Art und Weise imitieren, wie unsere Eltern und unser Umfeld überkompensiert haben, oder indem wir unsere eigenen Wege finden. Manche Menschen überkompensieren durch den Kauf von Statussymbole, sich mit beliebten und mächtigen Leuten herumzutreiben (einschließlich Verliebtheit mit solchen Menschen) und folgen populären Trends. Manche Menschen überkompensieren das, indem sie kämpfen um zu erreichen mehr und mehr, um aufzufallen, um Status, Auszeichnungen und Anerkennung zu erlangen. Manche wählen den Weg der Geben, damit sie empfangen könnenund enden vielleicht in der Rolle des Opfers und Märtyrers. Einige geben auf and become social recluses, trying to convince themselves that being accepted by others doesn’t matter to them.

Wie man erwachsen bleibt

Genau wie viele andere Erfahrungen in unserem täglichen Leben als Erwachsene unbewusst Kindheitserinnerungen auslösen und kindliche Gefühle, so auch die Erfahrung, nicht akzeptiert und einbezogen zu werden. Wenn Kindheitserinnerungen ausgelöst werden, beginnen wir wahrscheinlich die Dinge auf eine kindliche Art und Weise wahrnehmen – exaggerated, generalized, self-centered, black and white. We may ignore rational explanations and focus on our childhood feelings of inadequacy, loneliness and self-blame.

It’s very important to erkennen Sie zunächst, dass Sie auf die Vergangenheit reagieren more than the present. You may mentally say to yourself: “These are emotions from the past” (or, sometimes, “This is my biology acting up”). Observe the feelings and ideas that come up and check what age they seem to belong to. When you are able to separate the past from the present, you might already feel much calmer and more objective.

Nehmen Sie sich einen Moment Zeit für Beruhigen Sie sich und trösten Sie Ihr inneres Kind. Remind it that whatever happened in childhood wasn’t (all) your mistake. As soon as you have more time, use it to work on healing the relationship with parents. Try to das Gefühl zu bekommen, von den Eltern unterstützt zu werden. Wenn Ihre Eltern wirklich giftig waren, erschaffen Sie vielleicht sogar imaginäre gesunde Eltern, die Sie in Ihrer Vorstellung unterstützen. In unserer Arbeit haben wir eine Reihe von anpassungsfähigen Methoden zur Heilung familiärer Einflüsse.

Bereiten Sie sich im Voraus vor for potentially unpleasant social situations. If you are going to a gathering where you expect you might feel awkward, accept the possibility that people might not react to you the way you’d like. Imagine yourself comforting your inner child and reminding yourself of your qualities. Imagine yourself staying calm and adult and accepting of yourself. The more you can prepare up front to deal with such situations, the less they will surprise you and make you lose resources – and then if nothing else you won’t look and feel so awkward. A loner who accepts themselves is more relaxing to be around than a loner who is tense and uncomfortable.

Praktische Ratschläge

Next, recognize that just like most people don’t have time and energy to be particularly interested in you, you also don’t have time and energy to be particularly interested in most other people. It doesn’t mean you dislike them and deem them unworthy, and the other way around. By adult age, most people have formed their “tribes” and are too busy with them to seek further. Once a tribe is formed, people find it more difficult (but not impossible) to accept new people into it. That doesn’t say anything much about yours or their personalities, it’s simply a fact of human life. Remind yourself of people who do like you and think well of you.

Um Ihren eigenen Stamm zu finden, müssen Sie Suche nach Menschen, die Ihnen ähnlich sind rather than trying to be accepted by most people. If you have an artistic mind, you are not likely to find much understanding among IT experts, and if you are an intellectual, you are not likely to fit in among sportspeople. Accept that you can’t be good in everything and fit in everywhere. Search for a smaller number of quality relationships, rather than being accepted by whole groups. Remind yourself that not having qualities one group of people demands, probably means Sie haben andere Qualitäten eine andere Gruppe schätzen könnte.

Auf ähnliche Weise können Ihre persönlichen Eigenschaften, die manche Menschen vielleicht ablehnen, bedeuten, dass Sie zusätzliche Stärken auf andere Weise and other circumstances. There is a lot of duality in our human lives, and many traits that are advantageous in some ways turn out to be problematic in other ways, and the other way around. A shy and sensitive person might not be very stimulating in a big group, but can be very empathetic and a good friend in private, or very creative, or very insightful. A serious person might seem intimidating to many, but people are usually serious if they think a lot, or are responsible, and they are often responsible and think a lot because they care – and/or they have busy minds and rich inner worlds.

So, focus on your strengths and build upon them, rather than dwelling on your weaknesses. Perhaps you have strengths – warmth, gentleness, intelligence… – your early environment taught you to hide rather than express. Consider how you can let them show again. Keep in mind that most people will be impressed by your character and communication skills rather than technical expertise.

Of course, you might be rejected because you are objectively unpleasant – aggressive, arrogant or (borderline) narcissistic. Such people are not likely to come to my website anyway. But in case you are, consider where such behavior might be coming from. In my experience, most aggression, arrogance and narcissism compensates for deep unconscious sense of inadequacy or even self-hatred, which you need to heal. The more you learn to like and accept yourself in a healthy way, the more you can be aware of others, appreciative and considerate to others.

Versuchen Sie take a look at yourself through other people’s eyes. You might find that they were simply too preoccupied with themselves to pay attention to you – or you might feel there was something about you they disliked – perhaps you miss on social cues, or overcompensate in too obvious ways, or they confuse your shyness with arrogance or your seriousness with covert criticism (both quite common!), or they feel tense around a person who feels awkward.

Wenn Sie so etwas finden, vermeiden Sie es, sich selbst zu beschuldigen und zu kritisieren (das wäre wahrscheinlich ein Echo der elterlichen Kritik, an deren Heilung Sie ebenfalls arbeiten können). Denken Sie daran, wie ich bereits in Wie Sie die Angst vor Fehlern überwindendass Fehler sind der beste Weg zu lernen. Consider what parts of your behavior you want to change and why, and what you don’t want to change and why. Keep in mind that some changes might be good for you, but too much conformism might make you lose some important qualities. Then explore how you can start changing the parts of your behavior you want to change. Take small steps, don’t fear mistakes but use them to learn more – and don’t overcompensate.

Lernen Sie von Menschen, die Sie inspirieren oder bei denen Sie sich wohl fühlen. How do they communicate with others? What non-verbal signals do they send? What do they do that makes you feel good? Perhaps you cannot become quite like them without changing yourself too much – but some small changes might go a long way.

Endlich, die Initiative ergreifen. Learn how to use small talk and how to approach people – it’s easier than you might think! Present yourself as approachable, verbally and non-verbally. Seek people who look interested and open to communication, but don’t just wait for them to approach you. Be kind and Interesse zeigen – people are the most attracted to people who show clear interest in them. Yet keep your sense of balance, use your intuition and don’t pretend you are someone you are not, or agree with things you don’t agree. In short, be your best self but be genuine. Show your passion, talk about things that are important to you, but don’t expect everybody to agree or show interest.

Seek new activities which are at least somewhat interesting to you, and which make it possible to interact with people directly rather than being a passive audience to something. Mountaineering, dancing, art classes, scientific gatherings, self-improvement workshops, volunteering, literary evenings… use your creativity. The website Meetup listet viele Treffen in größeren Städten auf, sortiert nach Kategorien. Vielleicht haben Sie sogar Lust, selbst etwas zu organisieren.

Just like with looking for a job or a partner, you need to put yourself out there and check out many people to find out who suits you the most. Every experience is worth something. Even if you don’t feel at ease with most people, a small number of new friends is worth the search. Once you make a few friends, you might introduce them to each other – and then you might have your own little tribe.

Lesen Sie mehr:

Wie Sie die Angst vor Fehlern überwinden

Sind Sie zu empfindlich?

Nonverbale und subtile Kommunikation

Alle Artikel 

Online Nachhilfe