Eine verlorene Liebe zurückgewinnen

Gefühle aus der Kindheit

Being left by someone is hard on both our ego and our inner child. Suddenly losing a source of human connection and attention—whether we appreciated it or took it for granted—often triggers childhood memories of loss and abandonment, sometimes accompanied by fear and despair. These childhood feelings can overpower both our adult realism and self-esteem, making it very tempting to spend a lot of time and energy trying to win back lost love.

One of the most common motivating messages you can encounter online is something like, “Trust your feelings – follow your heart!” Yet sometimes it’s important to nicht follow our hearts – when we recognize our emotions are childish – but to temper those emotions with the rational mind and the objective perspective. After that, you need to focus on diese kindlichen Emotionen in erwachsene Emotionen verwandeln, anstatt zu versuchen, Ihre äußeren Erfahrungen zu kontrollieren. Das ist schwieriger, aber auf lange Sicht so viel gesünder und hilfreicher.

I’ve written before about how falling in love is often tied to unconsciously seeking a replacement for parents (see: Verhaltensmuster in Liebesbeziehungen). When our “inner child” becomes bonded to a loved one, we might unconsciously perceive them as irreplaceable, the most important person on Earth – just like parents were for us when we were small.

This might not be so obvious as long as the relationship is stable; in those times our conscious adult minds prevail (hopefully). But as soon as we are faced with losing that person, suddenly they become essentially important and keeping them around becomes our priority – just like a child feels with a parent. I’ve seen that happen with many people who previously took their partner for granted (see: Fühlen Sie sich übergangen? Missbrauch und bedingungslose Liebe).

Unsere kindlichen Bedürfnisse und ein das kindliche Gefühl, dass wir nur diese eine Chance haben to be loved and to feel a deep connection suddenly arise. That’s why people so often say things like “my world crumbled” or “my life is empty without him/her”! Many fear they won’t have another chance or that they’ll never find somebody who comes even close to their ex. In the same time, their environment might wonder what on earth did they even see in their ex.

Sollte ich versuchen, sie zurückzubekommen?

Who doesn’t love you is by definition not compatible with you. They either don’t recognize and appreciate your qualities – or perhaps they recognize them and have decided they don’t want them. That’s not something on which you can build a healthy, passionate relationship.

Mit ziemlicher Sicherheit haben Sie schon einmal erlebt, dass Sie jemanden, den Sie einmal geliebt haben, nicht mehr lieben oder zumindest jemanden, der Sie geliebt hat, nicht mehr zurücklieben. Erinnern Sie sich, wie sich das angefühlt hat. Hätten Bitten, Gründe, Verhätscheln und Beschwichtigen oder Schuldgefühle Ihre Gefühle verändert? Hätten solche Versuche in Ihnen die tiefe Anziehung und Leidenschaft hervorrufen können, die Sie verspürten, als Sie sich auf natürliche Weise in jemanden verliebten?

It’s much more likely that you felt annoyed, pressured, felt pity and ever decreasing respect for the person who tried to influence you in such ways, and felt even more repelled by them.

Even if such a person managed to convince you to try again, how long do you think it would have lasted? Would you have been able to focus on them with trust, passion and intensity? Or would you have wondered most days if you’d be happier somewhere else? Once they inevitably fell back into their old habits, would it have been any easier to tolerate them than before? Or would it have affirmed your previous decision to leave?

Imagine, on the other hand, that the person you broke up with (or couldn’t love) continued treating you with courtesy and respect, perhaps warmth, but focused primarily on improving their own life and increasing their own happiness and self-esteem. How would you then feel about them? I’d bet you’d feel more respect and more interest even if you couldn’t love them. Perhaps that person would have become more attractive to you, and, if you’ve been in a relationship before, you might have felt nostalgic about them. This certainly wouldn’t have happened with someone who acted dependent, desperate and pitiful.

Abhängigkeit und Würde

Wenn wir uns von einem anderen abhängig fühlen, wollen wir ihn kontrollieren., even if we don’t consciously realize it. What sane person likes to feel controlled? Would you like it if somebody tried to control you? That’s not love, that’s just a needy child acting out. The only responsible, respectful, adult thing you can do is to recognize that another adult has the full right to choose for themselves and acknowledge their own emotions.

Wenn Sie auch nur ein kleines Fitzelchen Selbstwertgefühl, Stolz und Würde in sich finden können, konzentrieren Sie sich darauf und halten Sie mit aller Kraft daran fest. In jedem schwierigen Moment, fragen Sie sich, wie eine würdevolle, sich selbst respektierende Person jetzt handeln würde. Then act like it, no matter how difficult, and save your childish emotions to work with them later. You’ll be grateful to yourself later.

Take a long hard look at the other person. Are they really so wonderful as your desperate inner child imagines them to be? It seems there is no end to illusions and fantasies our minds can create as long as somebody reminds us even a little bit of our parents. In this context, again, it’s better to rely on your objective adult mind than your turbulent emotions. While adult emotions are an essential source of valuable information, childish emotions only give us information about our inexperienced, troubled past self.

Ask yourself, how would a person who really loves you act around you? Certainly not lukewarm, dismissive or indecisive. Compare what you want with what you have. Then consider, are you ready for a healthy love? Or maybe you’d find it not challenging, not tumultuous enough? Maybe you don’t feel you deserve it? (Check out: Was glaubt Ihr Unterbewusstsein über die Liebe?).

Vielleicht suchen Sie gar nicht so sehr nach Liebe, sondern nach Anerkennung, Bestätigung, Zustimmung, Selbstwertgefühl? Dann könnten Sie versucht sein, jedem zu verfallen, der Ihnen etwas Aufmerksamkeit schenkt, und je mehr Status diese Person in Ihren Augen hat, desto verzweifelter könnten Sie sich von ihr bestätigt fühlen. Erkennen Sie, dass dies ein kindliches Gefühl ist, das nichts von außen wirklich erfüllen kann. Die einzige Möglichkeit, diese innere Leere zu füllen, ist von innen heraus.

Wie Sie Ihre Chancen erhöhen

Menschen neigen dazu, Menschen zu respektieren, die sich selbst respektieren. Independence and inner strength are attractive. Even within a relationship, it’s important to preserve your boundaries and emotional independence. This becomes especially important if you ever hope to be attractive again to someone who already lost their feelings for you. While there isn’t too much hope, that’s not unheard of – but your goal when building yourself from inside must be that you are doing it for yourself rather than to win them back. Focusing on your ex rather than the quality of your life would make your efforts superficial and fake.

Many people and websites advise you to “focus on your life and goals” – which is a good advice – but don’t tell you was Sie tun können, wenn Ihre Emotionen sich zu wehren beginnen. And that will happen. When childish emotions arise, most people either succumb to them or try to suppress them. Don’t do either. Focus on loving and comforting the panicking child part of you the way a loving (even if mildly frustrated) parent would do with a real child. Some people feel helped if they imagine loving parents comforting them, or a friend, or even an imaginary (new) partner. Some turn to spiritual support. Whatever works for you, use it.

Ein Teil des Stärkerwerdens kann darin bestehen, sich auf Ausbau und Vertiefung Ihrer sozialen Beziehungen. Renew old friendships, seek new ones, strengthen the existing ones. Go to meetings, events, hobby or volunteering activities, group excursions, dance … Rather than hoping to receive, focus on giving: give your warmth, your kindness, your support… Giving often feels better than receiving and creates more self-esteem, too.

Keep working with your inner child even as you start feeling better (and definitely don’t stop even if your ex comes back). Childish imprints go deep and a few weeks are not enough to change them. You will know that you have achieved a change once you feel really good in your own skin and attracted to healthy relationships.

Check also my workbook “Wie man aus der Liebe fällt“.

Verwandte Artikel:
Verhaltensmuster in Liebesbeziehungen
Was passiert, wenn ein Liebespartner ein Elternersatz ist?
Leiden in der Liebe

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