Frage: I recently went through an unexpected breakup, and I’m finding it very hard to move on. I can’t stop thinking about my ex, and it feels like nothing makes sense without them. I know I need to heal, but I don’t even know where to start. How to overcome breakup? Can you help me get rid of this pain?
Antwort:
If there’s one message I’d like to spread to the world, it’s that the more intense our emotions are, the more likely they originate from our childhood. This is especially important when people ask, “How to overcome breakup pain?”
Yes, the pain is real. It’s happening now. It may feel too overwhelming and persistent to believe it has roots in the past as well as the present. Yet, in my 20+ years of experience in psychological coaching, whenever someone struggles to move on from an ex, there is almost always a deeper, more existential trauma—often related to parental abandonment—at the core of their pain.
Parental abandonment doesn’t have to be physical, or even literal. It can stem from a mother returning to work after maternity leave, or a parent being hospitalized, for example. Babies can feel abandoned when their parents sleep in a different room and ignore their cries at night. A parent may be emotionally unavailable, critical, unpredictable, or dismissive. Any of these and similar experiences can be shocking for a sensitive child and leave a lasting imprint.
Small children cling to their parents for dear life. Anything that threatens that bond sends waves of shock and emotional pain through the child—it’s a survival mechanism. Intense emotional pain and the compulsion to do anything to restore the connection, including blaming and criticizing ourselves, are part of that mechanism. Any emotion that feels survival-related in childhood often remains etched in our subconscious mind.
Als Erwachsene neigen wir dazu, die stärkste romantische Anziehung zu Menschen zu verspüren, die uns unbewusst an unser Zuhause erinnern oder die die Chance zu bieten scheinen, das zu heilen, was in der Kindheit gefehlt hat (siehe: Verhaltensmuster in Liebesbeziehungen). For most of us, there’s still an “inner child” seeking to have old emotional needs met.
When our “inner child” emotionally bonds with someone and that person leaves, old existential pain, fear, and self-doubt can resurface with full intensity. We may suddenly feel like life doesn’t make sense without them, as if there is no one else in the world who could ever replace them – which is exactly how a child feels about their parent. Of course, some of the pain comes from the present loss, but that pain would be much more grounded and bearable if it weren’t intertwined with unresolved childhood trauma.
So, knowing this, how to overcome breakup trauma? Here are some strategies that have worked for me and many others I’ve worked with:
1. Wann immer der emotionale Schmerz aufflackert, erinnern Sie sich daran, dass er mindestens ebenso sehr aus Ihrer Kindheit stammt wie aus der aktuellen Situation (wenn nicht mehr).
2. Allow yourself to feel your emotions. Don’t give in to them, but observe and accept them with compassion. “What you resist, persists; what you accept, dissolves.” Acknowledging emotions helps you process them, while fighting them only makes them stronger.
3. Beobachten und verbalisieren Sie die schlimmsten, schmerzhaftesten Gedanken und Eindrücke, die Ihnen in den Sinn kommen, egal wie übertrieben und irrational sie auch sein mögen. Fragen Sie sich: Mit welchen Ihrer Eltern (oder vielleicht anderen frühen Bezugspersonen) könnte dies in Verbindung stehen?
4. Nehmen Sie sich so viel Zeit wie nötig, um Ihr inneres Kind zu lieben und zu trösten. Sagen Sie Ihrem inneren Kind alles, was Sie einem guten Freund in einer ähnlichen Situation sagen würden.
5. Wenn Ihre Eltern im Allgemeinen wohlwollend und mitfühlend waren, stellen Sie sich vor, dass sie auch Ihr inneres Kind trösten und ihm auf vielfältige Weise Liebe und Wertschätzung entgegenbringen.
6. Wenn Ihre Eltern ungesund waren, können Sie sich andere, gesündere Eltern vorstellen, die Sie lieben und unterstützen. Hier ist eine geführte Übung, die Ihnen dabei helfen kann.
7. Now let’s focus on the future. Keep reminding yourself that in a few months, this pain will be behind you, and there will be plenty of other opportunities for happiness. When one door closes, many others open.
8. Remind yourself that good relationships don’t end; bad ones do. You are likely missing the illusion of your ex rather than who they really were. If they hadn’t left now, you might have just wasted more time and opportunities with them, and things could have gotten worse. Eventually, you would have gone through the same pain, so it’s better to face it sooner rather than later.
9. Ask yourself: what can I learn from this experience that will make my future relationship(s) better and healthier? Perhaps you’ll learn how to Rote Flaggen erkennen, kommunizieren effektiver, oder vermeiden Sie es, für selbstverständlich gehalten zu werden. Schreiben Sie so viele Lektionen auf, wie Sie können, und überlegen Sie, wie Sie sie in Zukunft anwenden können. Wenn Sie diese Erfahrung als etwas betrachten können, das letztendlich Ihre Zukunft verbessern wird, können Sie freundlicher zu sich selbst sein und eine positive Perspektive einnehmen.
10. Denken Sie darüber nach, was Sie wirklich in einer Partnerschaft wollen. Lassen Sie sich von Ihrem Schmerz leiten toward understanding what you deeply long for and what truly matters to you in life. Envision a future relationship that fulfills your desires—better than the one that ended. Allow yourself to embrace this vision and get comfortable with it. Tell yourself that you deserve it. The better you can imagine a healthy relationship, the easier it will be to recognize it when you meet the right person.
I hope you’ll find this advice on how to overcome breakup helpful, and if you want to explore and resolve the roots of your childhood trauma and emotional patterns, our Online-Coaching ist genau dafür gedacht!
Lesen Sie mehr:
Verhaltensmuster in Liebesbeziehungen
Verwandeln Sie emotionalen Schmerz in Leidenschaft und Inspiration
Was glaubt Ihr Unterbewusstsein über die Liebe?