Kinder brauchen Herausforderungen

Was fördert den Einfallsreichtum?

Bei unserer Arbeit stellen wir oft fest, dass Menschen aus problematischen, chaotischen Familien entwickeln oft schon sehr früh im Leben wichtige Lebensressourcen: for example intelligence (in order to understand confusing situations and to find a way out of such situations), perseverance, inner strength, ability to cope with difficulties, sensibility, empathy, sense of humor (as a way of relieving one’s own and other people’s unpleasant emotions, or as a strategy of finding one’s place within a group).

Likewise, it can be frequently noticed that children who grow up in protective families which provide everything they can, grow up into average and often not particularly strong and confident people. Sometimes they can become egotistic and spoiled people, as it can be seen especially in the last several decades when “children first” is a prevalent attitude and many parents neglect the need to set boundaries and teach the child to cooperate. (This unbalanced attitude is partly a reaction to “adults first” approach of past decades and centuries – and health is in balancing everybody’s needs.)

Of course, this is not a rule, but it happens a lot. Every family is a complex whole, and the child’s experiences are multidimensional. There are no mathematical criteria according to which all influences and their consequences for a child could be organized. Likewise, the same kind of influence can cause different consequences, of which some are unpleasant, and some are useful and important: chaos and traumas can trigger the development of the above mentioned resources and positive features as a way to survive, but at the same time they can cause lasting fear, anger, guilt and a negative self-image. Parental care and attention can create a feeling that we are worthy and acceptable, but also average or below average abilities, motivation and self-confidence on the other hand, due to lack of challenges. As in the case of most individual and global life circumstances, Konsequenzen sind nie schwarz und weiß, but always a combination of the “positive” and “negative”.

Viele Menschen, die stark beschützt von ihren Eltern sagen, dieser Schutz habe sie verunsichert und überfordert with challenges, since they didn’t have much chance to experience whether they were able to cope with unpleasant situations, or to practice resourcefulness and creativity. On the other hand, nobody would like to be in the shoes of those who suffered neglect, abuse or ridicule. Such people know very well that they had to pay a high price for their inner strength, by acquiring some unpleasant patterns.

Don’t worry – you don’t have to neglect or traumatize your children so that they would become resourceful. With some awareness and effort, you can enable your children to “have their cake and eat it”. What is important are not strong and frequent unangenehm Erfahrungen, aber signifikant und häufig Herausforderungen. This is what families who protect their children often lack: they may neglect the children’s need to face challenging situations which would stimulate their hidden resources.

Herausforderungen gestalten

Sie können Herausforderungen so gestalten, dass sie das Denken, die Wahrnehmungsfähigkeit, die Sensibilität und die Kraft anregen und gleichzeitig fürsorglich und aufmerksam gegenüber Ihrem Kind sind. Der Schlüssel liegt darin, dass Sie Ihren Kindern emotionale Unterstützungund überlassen es ihnen gleichzeitig, so viele anspruchsvolle Aufgaben wie möglich zu lösen.

You’ll need to adjust the challenges to the stage of the children’s development, to target approximately the upper limit of their current abilities, exceeding just a little their “zone of comfort”, enough to make it problematic and not easy, but not so difficult for the children to get discouraged and start doubting themselves. Children do it spontaneously, always reaching a little higher, always trying to get a little further and better. Observe your children carefully in order to find out if a challenge suits them. If the child is at least partially interested and motivated, you can continue. If you notice that they show strong sings of stress or fear, it’s a good idea to postpone the task and find another, easier one.

Liefern als viele verschiedene Herausforderungen wie möglich: zwischen physisch ones (dressing, tying shoes, including children in household work – don’t give them your fragile china to clean, though), intellektuell (e.g. buy a book of puzzles or games that require thinking, teach the child to read or to speak a foreign language as early as possible – a two or three-year old child can slowly get used to recognizing letters, and at the age of four many children are ready to start reading), up to sozial Aufgaben (Lösung von Beziehungs- und Kommunikationsproblemen). Gestalten Sie diese Herausforderungen als Spiele, so oft wie möglich.

Avoid offering ready-made solutions to the child. It’s better to help the child think about possible solutions by asking sub-questions. Encourage them to create so viele Lösungen wie möglich, e.g. “Johnny is mocked by other children at school. Think about at least 10 different things that Johnny could do about it.” Follow the children’s thinking process and help them with Unterfragen such as: “Which unpleasant consequences can you think of? Who other could you include? What is important to know about other children and why are they doing what they are doing? Have you forgotten something? Can some of these solutions be improved?” Be gentle with those questions and don’t push so much to discourage the child.

Arbeiten Sie intelligenter, nicht härter

Certainly, lack of time is a problem for many parents. However, you do not have to sit the entire day with your children asking them such questions. It’s enough to have such conversations during other daily tasks, and to take advantage of situations when your child has a real problem. You can use time during lunch breaks at work or the ride back home from work to think about new challenges for your children.

Lassen Sie zu, dass sich Ihre Kinder gelegentlich verletzen, zerkratzen oder verbrennen., especially if they ignore your warnings (use common sense and make sure there is no risk of serious injury, though). This won’t have long term emotional consequences, but the children will learn reasonable caution and to assess their abilities and the consequences of their actions more accurately. Avoid attempting – except in situations of serious bullying – to solve their conflicts with other children instead of them. Children are fähig zu bewältigen with the unpleasantness of these conflicts – actually, many people go through much more difficult social experiences as children than as adults – quite successfully, if they have your emotionale Unterstützung und Ermutigung.

However, you can help them to think about these conflicts and their possible solutions. If your children are fighting amongst themselves, avoid acting like a judge by random punishments, but don’t ignore them either. (A good question to ask might be: “What would you do now if you were in my place?”) Helfen Sie ihnen zu besprechen, wie sie sich fühlen und was sie wollen. Möglicherweise müssen Sie einem Kind mehr Schutz gewähren, wenn das andere ein hartnäckiger Tyrann ist, aber überlegen Sie zunächst, was das letztere dazu bewegt, gewalttätig zu werden.

Avoid trying to make your child’s life easier in terms of daily tasks. As soon as they can do something – eat, dress, do their homework … – avoid doing it for them, as much as possible. It helps if you Dinge gemeinsam tun – this makes the tasks less boring and builds your relationship. Emotional support and acceptance are the most important. Avoid verbal or non-verbal criticism, except when it’s needed (but avoid undeserved praise, too). You will make your child’s and your own life easier – the child’s in the long term, and yours both short and long term.

Wenn Ihre Kinder Interesse zeigen an Lesenermutigen Sie es auf jeden Fall. Reading provides a wealth of valuable “second-hand experience”Einblicke und Ideen, wie Sie Herausforderungen meistern können. Lesen bietet auch viele Möglichkeiten, um Emotionen erleben und erforschen in einer sicheren Umgebung. Dies hilft Kindern, eine bessere Beziehung zu sich selbst aufzubauen. Und natürlich bereichert das Lesen das Allgemeinwissen und das komplexe Denken. Achten Sie nur darauf, dass Sie Bücher auswählen, die Ihren Kindern gefallen. Sie zum Lesen zu zwingen, würde vielleicht nur lebenslangen Widerstand hervorrufen. Auch hier gilt: Gehen Sie so oft wie möglich mit gutem Beispiel voran. 

Nutzen Sie Ihre Weisheit

Meiner Meinung nach ist es nicht die Aufgabe von Eltern, die machen ein glückliches Kind. The key to parenting is to teach children how to erstellen Glück trotz der Probleme und Herausforderungen. Dies kann durch persönliches Vorbild geschehen, aber auch durch emotionale und intellektuelle Unterstützung der Kinder, wenn sie Probleme haben.

Die Rolle der Eltern besteht nicht darin, immer Lösungen anzubieten, sondern Kinder lehren, ermutigen und befähigen, ihre eigenen Lösungen zu finden so oft, wie es ihrem Alter und ihren Lebensumständen entspricht. 

Eine weitere Aufgabe eines gesunden Elternteils ist es, das Kind zu ermutigen, zu glauben Alles wird gut und kann wieder in Ordnung gebracht werden auch wenn es Probleme gibt. Kinder, die als Erwachsene einen solchen emotionalen Trost und Zuspruch sowie angemessene Herausforderungen erhalten haben, werden in der Lage sein, auch in Situationen mit viel Stress einfallsreich zu bleiben. 

Zu viele Eltern versuchen, ihre Kinder vor Problemen und Frustration zu schützen. Auf der anderen Seite sind Probleme und Frustration motivierend. Sie bringen Kinder dazu, ihre Ressourcen zu entwickeln. Sie können Kindern nur dann helfen, langfristig glücklich zu werden, wenn Sie nicht darauf bestehen, dass sie ständig glücklich sein müssen.

As with all life advice, use your common sense when making decisions. Don’t exaggerate. Find balance. Listen to your gut. And relax. Even if you were a perfect parent, it wouldn’t be good for your child.

Auf diese Weise können Sie Ihrem Kind helfen, eine solide Grundlage zu schaffen, die ein starkes Sprungbrett für ein qualitativ hochwertiges Leben auf allen Ebenen darstellt, wenn Sie sich etwas mehr Mühe geben und sich dessen bewusst sind.

Verwandt:

Wie man Kinder lehrt, ihre Intuition zu nutzen

Sind Sie bereit, ein Kind zu bekommen?

Children and Money – Setting Boundaries

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