How to communicate with your spouse when they are upset with you?

Question: How to communicate with my wife when she’s angry with me? No matter what I say, it seems to make things worse.

Answer:

Most importantly: first validate and understand. Only after that, explain your point of view.

It’s a normal human need (even if a bit irrational sometimes) for our emotions to be validated and understood. If we don’t feel the other person does that, we can persist in our anger even if it’s irrational.

So encourage your partner to tell you everything about how they feel, what thoughts are coming to their mind, and what worries them. Empathize and do your best to understand – which does not mean you have to agree. Understanding and disagreement do not exclude each other. Encourage them to tell you even more about how they feel. Make sure you don’t lose their trust by invalidating those feelings and telling them they shouldn’t feel that way. It’s quite possible they already know their emotions might be a bit exaggerated (if they are – it’s common but not a given), but feeling safe to express them will also make them feel safe to let them go.

Ask them directly for their suggestions how to communicate for better understanding and more trust. As long as their request is reasonable and not manipulative or out of balance, make sure to remember and use it. That’s the best way to build trust.

Only after they feel understood, you can explain or defend yourself. I know that can be very difficult – but it pays off in the long run!

After your partner has calmed down, you might want to check if your behavior reminded them of someone from their early family. This is a common source of misplaced anger. Make sure it doesn’t sound like you are avoiding responsibility by accusing them of overreaction.

Read on:

10 Key Rules For Communication In A Relationship

How To Give Advice To Your Partner Without Arguing

How To Validate While Being Criticized

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