Question: I’m in a new, long-distance relationship (a few months). My boyfriend and I were recently fighting about feminism. Since then, he seems more distant. I’m afraid of losing him – he is a great guy. Can you give me some advice?
Answer:
Plenty of details are missing here, so there are multiple possibilities. Here are some of them:
- Maybe he’s not quite such a great guy he seems to be. It’s too early to tell after just a few months of a long-distance relationship. Plenty of harmful people, including narcissists and psychopaths, can seem very charming and wonderful in the beginning. Once they’ve got you hooked, they start pushing your boundaries and questioning your values to see if you’ll betray yourself and allow them to abuse you further. Sometimes the abuse begins only after the wedding or a pregnancy, but such details can betray an abuser earlier.
- Some women take feminism to extremes and get offended by trivialities, making strong accusations and presuming bad intentions from small mistakes and misunderstandings. They may also generalize negatively about men. Of course, no one likes to hear negative generalizations about a group they belong to. If you did something like that, it’s natural that he would feel offended.
- Many men are influenced by “meninists” and misogynists online, who describe feminism only in its extreme forms. He might be a decent guy who has been exposed to a lot of misogynistic content and is badly informed, or he could be someone who enjoys being misogynistic and demanding privilege. More constructive communication rather than “fighting” about feminism is needed to explore which type he is and whether he’s open to a different perspective if it’s presented reasonably. If he isn’t, then he’s probably not good partner material, even if he has some good qualities.
My advice is: start by trying something called validation. This means listening with empathy and trying to understand his point of view before presenting your own. If what he says contains some valid points, acknowledge them. For example, if he points out that men don’t have it easy either, acknowledge that. Don’t let his disagreement make you feel so threatened that you react emotionally. Check your data before making claims. If you find you were wrong about something, acknowledge it. You will need to learn to communicate more carefully than you might be used to – but that’s a skill that is important in most relationships, so it’s worth learning.
If he’s a decent person and you validate his point of view (as long as it’s reasonable), that should help him relax and be more open to your perspective. Then, calmly present your own point of view without generalizing or exaggerating. A reasonable person should be able to acknowledge at least part of it. If both of you have good intentions but different sources of information, through honest exchange and validation, you should reach at least a level of mutual respect, if not full agreement.
If he persists in ignoring and dismissing your point of view, it’s likely he’s not a healthy person or suitable partner, no matter how interesting he seems now. He’ll probably lack empathy and dismiss your feelings in other areas as well. In that case, it’s better to cut your losses and move on, no matter how much you like him. Too many people think, “He’s not so bad inside,” or “He’ll change if he loves me,” only to end up miserable, with broken self-esteem, or as a single parent when that person inevitably doesn’t change.
If the thought of letting him go makes you feel scared or lost, that’s a sign you need to work on your self-esteem and build a healthy relationship with yourself first. Letting someone trample your values and boundaries out of fear of losing them is the first step into an abusive relationship. Remember, when one door closes, many others can open. There are plenty of people who wish they could go back in time and avoid the trap of fear—fear of loneliness or missing out—pushing them into the wrong relationship. Trust your values, not just temporary emotions.
Suggested reading:
Who Has It Worse: Men Or Women?
10 Key Rules For Communication In A Relationship
