Question: Close to a year ago, I got out of an abusive relationship. However, I still feel a deep connection with my ex. It’s difficult to stop thinking about them and wishing they could change. I read it’s called a trauma bond. But why does it persist for so long?
Answer:
The effect of a trauma bond is strong because, during traumatic events, we struggle to survive. Whatever brings us relief in these situations, our minds may associate with security and survival. This might include a sense of connection with the abuser, especially if they also use positive reinforcement. For our “bodymind,” survival is more important than the quality of life.
Another reason might be that the recent trauma has some similarities with your early childhood trauma (even if childhood trauma is sometimes much milder and based on misunderstanding rather than someone’s malicious intentions). As a child, you might have formed the impression that being loved is associated with not being treated well. You might have longed to help an emotionally unstable, unpredictable parent.
If childhood feelings have not gotten “closure,” we can feel a strong urge to bond to people who cause us similar emotions. We can hope they will finally understand us and change – the way we hoped our parents would. We can hope to earn love from them, just like we tried with our parents.
There is often a deep, almost instinctive hope that if we can somehow manage to get that kind of closure, life will finally make sense and we can finally relax and feel good about ourselves. That’s why trauma bond can make you feel attached to a toxic person for a long time. If that rings a bell, you need to remember it’s an echo of your childhood, not reality. You need to help your inner child heal.
Our guided meditation here can help you heal childhood trauma. Once your childhood programming is healed, adult trauma bond often weakens much more easily. Another meditation you might want to try is to imagine the qualities of your dream partner and how they would treat you. Then compare it to your ex’s behavior. The contrast between the two can wake you up.
Read more:
Falling In Love With “Bad Guys” (And Girls)
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