My core topic is emotional maturity, so it’s expected that I’d always advise polite and de-escalating communication?and so I do. However, that kind of communication only works with fundamentally well-meaning people, which is not everybody. Some people love to put others down and humiliate them, playing various little power games. I believe it?s emotionally beneficial to have some comebacks ready for dealing with such people. In this article I want to list the best comebacks for everyday situations I have found so far.
When Can Comebacks Work Better Than Strictly Mature, Considerate Communication?
There are some people out there with low empathy and a high drive for power. Such people care more about their momentary sense of power over you than about building good relationships or engaging in reasonable communication. Some people are even sadists, meaning, they enjoy causing pain to others. Whether you encounter them online, at work, on the street, or even at home, these people often use any chance they get to put others down.
Why Engage At All?
We often hear advice to simply ignore insults and verbal bullying (I got plenty of such advice from my parents as a child, for sure), but things aren?t quite so simple. We are not purely logical beings. In fact, quite the opposite: in many ways, we are instinctive creatures. One of our instincts is to care about what others think and say about us, because we need social acceptance and belonging. In the past, our survival depended on belonging to a group. Feeling disliked or excluded by others can unconsciously affect us, even if we try to dismiss it logically.
In addition to seeking acceptance, we also have a natural need to feel worthy and respected by others. Feeling put down can subtly chip away at our sense of self-worth, no matter how much we try to fight it logically. When we restore the power balance with good comebacks, we also restore our sense of self-worth. Not responding to verbal aggression can feel like allowing abuse, and to our “inner child,” it might even feel like we don?t truly value ourselves. So, for the noble purpose of preserving your self-esteem, I?ve compiled a list of the best comebacks for everyday use, which follows below.
A good comeback might not only provide temporary satisfaction, but it can also discourage the bully from engaging in power games with you again. Bullies are often cowards; they prefer picking easy targets?people who are insecure and don?t know how to stand up for themselves.
Some Practical Observations
Some people are rude out of thoughtlessness or frustration rather than deliberate malice. They may be unhappy with their lives or may have been bullied by someone else, so they redirect their aggression toward an easier target. This is called ?displaced aggression.? Such people may not be intentionally malicious; they might simply lack self-awareness and empathy. With this kind of person, a direct but milder and relatively respectful comeback might be enough.
On the other hand, some people confuse friendly teasing with bullying. Friendly teasing often carries the message of inclusion and acceptance: ?We see your quirks and faults, we call them out jokingly, but we?re still your friends.? However, if you?ve been bullied before, this might touch a sore spot and feel like exclusion rather than inclusion. Observe your emotions and explore where they really come from.
People with personality disorders (e.g., narcissistic or borderline) or mental health challenges might escalate their response if you use certain comebacks. With such individuals, it?s often better to use different strategies, such as the ?grey rock? approach for abusive narcissists.
Keep in mind that every situation is unique, and only your gut feeling can tell you what will work best in a specific scenario. Avoid being too direct with people who might become physically aggressive or who could harm you in other ways (e.g., your boss). In these cases, maintaining your safety or job security takes priority. Use your common sense and don?t go against your intuition. (More: 如何教孩子运用直觉).
Prepare in advance. Don?t rely on your memory after reading this once or twice. When we?re caught off guard by rudeness, we tend to revert to automatic habits?often the ones we learned as children. However, those old solutions are unlikely to be effective. To respond differently, you need to mentally practice new strategies so you can use them quickly in unexpected situations. I recommend imagining various challenging scenarios in advance and deciding how you want to react. It might not sound ‘cool,’ but it?s far more effective than simply hoping for the best.
Here are some of the best comebacks I’ve found so far. A few of these suggestions are mine, a few are from my friends, and the rest come from anonymous online commenters.
Comebacks for people who might be thoughtlessly rude, but not truly malicious:
These are assertive, but not aggressive. They are meant to encourage thoughtless people to rethink their behavior.
– Look into their eyes and stay silent.
– “Please take it out on someone who deserves it.” (I like this one a lot.)
– “Do you feel better now?” or “I hope you feel better now.”
– “I?m sorry, say that again?
– “Did you really want to say that?”
– “Can you explain what you meant?”
– “Why are you so angry, what happened?”
– “Does this really work for you?”
– “That?s a strange thing to say” or simply “Interesting.”
– “That’s enough.” (Say it firmly and lower your voice at the end of the sentence.)
Comebacks for deliberately rude people
When somebody can’t be reasoned with, they can be confused or deflated instead. These are presented roughly from less confrontational to more direct.
– (Shake your head and) smile, but don’t say anything – let them wonder why.
– Look them squarely in the eye and warmly say “Thank you!”
-“I’ll take that as a compliment!”
– “The only way you can insult me is if the insult is not creative enough.”
-?So I don’t disappoint, how would you like me to react??
-Join them in listing all your imperfections they might have missed. Finish with: ?That was fun. What else you got??
– If somebody is trying to mask an insult as a joke, ask them to explain why it is funny (feel free to pretend to be a little confused)
– Look at them and say “you have something green stuck in your teeth”
– ?Was that supposed to hurt my feelings??
–“Thank you, that’s the first complaint I’ve had today.”
– “Tell me something I haven’t heard before”
– “Blah, blah, blah”
– “I hope the rest of your day is more pleasant than you?
– “Thank you for your rudeness, I hope it will make you a better person.”
– “I’ve been called worse by better people.”
– “Have the day you deserve.”
Remember, how you deliver a comeback is just as important as the words themselves. Speak calmly and confidently, without raising your voice or letting your emotions take over. A slight smile or a calm pause can add weight to your words and leave a stronger impression.
结论
Like every other communication skill, these comebacks can also be abused to manipulate people or avoid responsibility. Please don’t do that. Keep in mind what kind of a relationship do you want with the people around you.
Generally, it’s a good idea to presume good intentions until proven the opposite. Many people who seem somewhat rude, might simply have had bad role models in childhood and didn’t have a chance to learn something better. Give them the benefit of the doubt, if it makes sense.
Take responsibility for recognizing your childhood triggers before you react. Give a hug to your inner child before anything else. Choose your comebacks not to hurt others, but to protect your boundaries. I hope this article gave you enough good ideas for everyday situations.
Suggested reading:
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