如何在关心他人想法和自私自利之间找到平衡？

Question: Where is the middle ground between “stop caring about what others think” & “stop being so selfish”?

摄影：Leio McLaren

请回答：关心别人的想法和自私自利都是我们生理结构和成长经历的一部分。有些人天生具有更多的同情心和社会意识，有些人则较少。我相信，我们与生俱来就能在自己的需求和他人的需求之间取得平衡。然而，不健康和操纵性强的父母会让孩子忽视、忘记和不相信这种与生俱来的本能。

我们为什么要在乎别人的看法？

Caring for others’ opinions—even when those opinions are quite misguided—was crucial for prospering within a human community for hundreds of thousands of years. People who cooperated with others not only ensured their own survival; it also helped the survival and well-being of their offspring. Sometimes it was a matter of life and death—through most of human history, a person who was ostracized from a community could easily die. Only a few centuries ago, just being slightly strange or stepping on the wrong person’s toe could result in being burned at the stake. That’s a pretty strong motivation for caring about what others think!

On the other hand, selfishness could also result in a person gaining an advantage over others, ensuring their own and their children’s survival and prosperity. That’s why, as a species, we never lost it, despite the pressure to cooperate. Obviously, selfishness worked best for those who were stronger and more aggressive than the rest.

寻找平衡

But let’s focus on a practical answer: your body will usually send you signals if you are out of balance in either direction. However, it can also send you signals of fear and confusion if you were punished or manipulated as a child to deny your own needs in favor of others. Some parents can instill fear in their children by often expressing their own fear of what others think. Therefore, it’s very important to observe yourself in order to learn to distinguish between a healthy warning of lack of balance in your body and unhealthy emotions that are the result of childhood programming.

If you find this difficult early on, this question might be good guidance: Is what I’m doing bringing more trouble to others than it is important to me?

For example, if you are running to catch a plane, it’s not selfish to cause minor discomfort to other people by asking them to let you jump the queue. If you are exhausted or sick, it’s not selfish to take a seat in public transport, even if there are older people around, as long as none of them seem to be in worse condition than you.

另一方面，如果你在半夜播放超大音量的音乐，你会给很多人带来明显的不适，甚至可能影响健康，而降低音乐音量或使用耳机并不会明显降低你的享受。如果你堵在人行道上与朋友聊天，你会让很多人感到沮丧，而让到一边却不会让你付出任何代价。

There are also plenty of situations in which all people involved might have strong needs and desires, in which case finding an answer is not so straightforward. But as long as you are honestly looking for balance, you don’t have to worry that you are being selfish.

If you’re often troubled by what others think, remember that it may be the result of excessive social control over many generations. On the other hand, if others tell you that you’re selfish, it might be useful to sometimes put yourself in their shoes and see yourself from their perspective.

继续阅读：

7 Steps To Get Out Of Your Comfort Zone

观察感受

如何教孩子运用直觉

所有文章 

在线辅导 

更多问题和答案

我们的 YouTube 频道