你愿意面对痛苦吗？

避免痛苦意味着避免经历

你是否曾因恐惧而保持沉默，而不是 自立自强? Do you avoid trying something new in front of others out of fear to look foolish? Do you even avoid expressing love to your family because you fear emotional “weakness”?

回避潜在的情感痛苦会让人变得肤浅，即回避经验，尤其是新经验或有一定风险的经验。每当我们回避新的体验时，我们就错过了学习和获得智慧的可能性，也错过了人生的成就感。

If we are not willing to deal with pain, we’ll 急于求成 我们的问题，无论是情感问题还是人际关系问题。我们可能会相信不劳而获的虚假承诺，从而白白花费大量金钱。我们可能会拒绝学习，拒绝面对挑战，拒绝一步步成长。

Such magical “solutions” are not like taking aspirin to control short term headache. They are much more like taking pain killers to avoid toothache; 我们越是推迟痛苦，问题就越严重.

在更微妙的层面上，有些人甚至会 避免同情他人，因为同情有时是痛苦的.这会导致虚伪、 指责受害者 和自私。

不愿意面对潜在的痛苦会让我们试图 太控制我们的生活, or even to try to control other people and the world. We might be intolerant to other people’s and our own mistakes. We might try to 宰割 so that we don’t have to express ourselves clearly. 具有讽刺意味的是，试图避免痛苦可能会造成更大的痛苦 为自己和他人着想（例如，当人们因为害怕自己被伤害或抛弃而抛弃或伤害他人时。

需要避免疼痛的原因

Avoidance of pain has no single cause. Perhaps as a child you experienced so much emotional pain you couldn’t deal with, that you learned to block and suppress your emotions. Some parts of you might not be aware that 你不再是个孩子了而且，这种情绪不会像你小的时候那么容易压垮你。

Perhaps your family taught you by example to try to avoid pain, either through pretending that everything was OK when it wasn’t, or through overprotectiveness and preventing you from facing challenges. 如果孩子们觉得父母害怕面对情感上的痛苦，那么这种痛苦在他们心目中的力量就会比现实中的大得多.

在父权制国家，家庭和人物, emotions are often considered a weakness, especially painful emotions. Perhaps in your family out of unpleasant emotions only anger was allowed, while anything else might have caused others to humiliate you – even some pleasant emotions. It’s ironic that 把本质上是恐惧的行为假定为力量.

害怕犯错

也许你害怕犯错，害怕会受到惩罚。 想象中的惩罚可能比你熟悉的痛苦更可怕. Some people avoid even a change to the better, even if the price of staying the same is high (such as unhealthy relationships, arguments, anger…). Subconsciously, such a person might associate change with making mistakes – and might perceive mistakes as unforgivable and irreparable. The deep belief is: “I am a bad person if I make mistakes!”

这些信念是我们在童年时期学到的，并深藏在我们大脑的潜意识中。它们可能明显不切实际，可能给我们和我们周围的人带来明显的痛苦。然而，如果我们习惯于避免犯错，就会觉得 就像催眠后的暗示; we don’t really know why, but we can feel powerless to change our behavior. In some way, this 是 a posthypnotic suggestion; childhood is a stage of receptiveness and emotional openness, without rational filters which would prevent such ideas to sink into one’s subconscious.

动力和勇气

Sometimes, pain can be more motivating than anything else in life. It can help us understand other people much better. It can help us recognize what is truly important in life. Sadness can motivate us to seek what is missing in our lives. Even shame and guilt, unpleasant as they are, mean that we have learned something and can do better next time. Growth is almost impossible without some pain. Once you allow yourself to feel that pain, you’ll probably discover it’s 比你想象的要好得多.

如果你能在面对痛苦时支持自己，你就会建立起 与自己建立一种关系，这种关系能帮助你应对各种挑战 and should give you courage to face (reasonable) risks. If you are willing to deal with emotionally risky situations, you can open yourself up to experiences that make life worth living. You can end up feeling “on the top of the world” rather than hiding in a cave.

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