如何实现持久变革

缺乏耐心

有些人只是对自己能够改变缺乏信心。他们觉得自己的问题太难或太深，或者对已经尝试过的方法感到失望。更常见的情况是，如果一两个月内没有发生巨大的变化，他们就会失去动力；有时他们甚至意识到自己 没有投入太多精力 自我完善，或者说他们没有将学到的东西付诸实践。

很多时候，人们都是不定期地练习运动和技巧，比如一周只练习几次。几个月后，他们通常会认为自己对效果不满意、 好像只要掌握了某种方法的理论知识，就能取得成果似的.另一方面，真正投入精力使用新学技能的人，有时会期望在短时间内发生太大的变化，如果这种情况没有发生，他们的动力就会很快减弱。

关于个人发展，我能说的最重要的事情之一就是：给自己一点时间！情绪问题往往产生于我们生命的最初阶段，也就是人格还在发展的时候，然后通常会被强化几十年。从神经学的角度来看 重复行为 – including repetitive thinking patterns – create 神经联系因此，人们更容易不断重复同样的思维习惯。新的神经联系的形成和新的思维习惯的养成需要时间和毅力。

创造新习惯

As when losing weight or learning new skills – playing a musical instrument, combat skills, creative writing or anything else, if you set a target date just few weeks or months ahead, not only will you be dissatisfied with the results but also with the process itself. 过早的最后期限会造成压力以及失败和不足感, and – as with rapid diets – you soon return to old habits and old problems. It is much wiser to give yourself six months, a year or two, or more, depending on the problem, and to establish a regular routine. 养成更容易保持的习惯，甚至可能乐在其中 – for extended periods, even for a lifetime.

在与客户合作时，我注意到，对于那些父母不希望他们出生的人来说，改变尤其困难。他们没有经历过基本的接纳或欢迎来到这个世界，因此他们自我形象的基础可能是负面的。

同样，有些父母对自己孩子的性别感到失望。这样的孩子往往带有被排斥感和负罪感，不是因为他们的行为（这是可以改变的），而是因为他们的身份。这些人需要在实践中给予自己更多更强烈的支持和爱，以改变这些根深蒂固的形象。

我与这些人单独合作的经验是，他们通常会注意到有毒信念的巨大变化，或者在特定情况下内疚、愤怒或恐惧等情绪的巨大变化。然而，对于 生存目标, like significant changes in personality, work or partnership, they need to change many deep convictions and emotional reactions – not just a few, as people usually hope. People with difficult pasts built such complexes during repeated trauma and unhealthy relationships. Healing requires more intense work.

A woman I will call Laura worked with me on her partnership issues, like feeling hurt by some details of her partner’s behavior, occasional jealousy, suffering in times of separation etc. At first, we met twice a month, and later once a month. In the meantime, she worked alone with guided exercises.

Very soon, she started to notice increased self-confidence and no longer felt dependent on her partner’s behavior. After a while, she started feeling less interested to continue that relationship, as she felt that her important wishes and needs were not fulfilled. Still, she decided not to force a break up, but to stay in the relationship as long as she felt a need for it, using that time to work on every emotional problem that would come out.

随着时间的流逝，她经常告诉我，吸引力在减弱，她不再确定她的关系能持续多久。不久之后，她遇到了另一个男人，并与他建立了一种关系，她将这种关系形容为真正的亲密关系和伙伴关系，日常的魔力，一种几乎难以相信的体验。

This is a beautiful – and realistic! – example of what can be achieved through long-term continuous work and sincerity to yourself. This approach requires more time and effort than some “magic pill” methods, but in this way problems can be resolved at their roots, on the level of causes and not effects – just like losing weight cannot be achieved with lotions and pills, but by changing unhealthy habits.

在多个不同层面开展工作

通过综合处理问题的起因、发展新的意识和感知水平、创造新的情感体验以及在日常生活中练习新的习惯，可以取得永久而显著的效果。

Some people tell me that their starting positions are far more difficult and complicated than most. They expect that I might have trouble understanding them, since I don’t know exactly how they feel. If I talk about my current self, it is true that I have a positive attitude about myself. However, when I started working on my personal development, this was not true. When I look back at my past, I would say that my history was rather average, if I compare myself to other people. (Some people hardly believe me when I tell them how I perceived myself when I was a teenager.) However, my challenges motivated me to grow and learn. Considering that you are reading this article now, this is probably true for you, too.

人类心理结构变化缓慢大多数人需要一种持续感，从已知逐渐过渡到未知，而不是急剧的变化。有些人会有意识地惧怕变化，但更多的人是在无意识中产生这种恐惧。

我们的个性由许多部分组成，通常被称为 子人格.它们有的更活跃，有的不那么活跃，有的在大部分时间都隐藏起来。我们的这些部分也 需要时间重组和适应变化. Some of them might resist change due to a fear of “ego-death”, a fear that the current personality might be damaged or destroyed. For a similar reason – fear of losing the sense of identity we are used to – we might be afraid of spiritual experiences and intense intimacy with others.

我尝试过很多个人发展技巧，也遇到过不少同样的人。尽管有各种承诺和辉煌的营销，但我不知道有谁能在短时间内实现翻天覆地的变化。有时，外部环境会发生变化，或者会出现暂时的欣喜若狂的状态，但我们对自己在这个世界上是谁的基本认识的变化速度要慢得多。

与我共事过的人经常告诉我，他们的生活发生了根本性的改变，但从来都不是在几天甚至几周之后。然而，当他们回首往事，回忆起几个月前的感受时，他们会发现生活发生了巨大的变化。如果我们不是如此习惯于我们的消费社会，什么都是即时包装，如果我们愿意投入时间和精力去改变个人，这个目标是可以实现的，非常鼓舞人心和激励人心。而不是 大多数人都试图用外部手段来实现内心的改变.品格的培养只能通过努力和经验来实现。

From time to time, “leaps” in improvement are possible, including important positive changes within short periods of time, but those are, in my opinion, the results of previous efforts which created the conditions for subsequent changes.

存在于我们自己的生活中

有时，真实而充实 外敌入侵 这样，一些情绪问题就会自然而然地痊愈，也就不再需要制造类似的情况了。例如，我曾有过这样的经历，如果我对那些我害怕他们反应的人大声说出我的观点，我就会感到无比的轻松和自由。然而，要做到这一点，我需要意识到自己的情绪，忠于自己，我需要学会如何更好地应对外部挑战。因此，这种疗愈也是长期努力的结果。

当我们在面对现实情况之前处理不愉快的情绪时，结果会来得更容易、更快，但是 缺一不可.治疗情感模式而不在现实生活中检验结果，或者试图改变外部环境而不改变最初帮助创造这些环境的深层信念，都很少能取得持久的效果。

就像减肥一样，接受我们无法在一夜之间摆脱不完美的事实，是获得真正自由的关键。就像选择职业或爱好一样，重要的是要从所选择的个人发展方法中找到满足感，而不仅仅是结果。这是一个 享受当下 爱我们自己

Allow changes to happen gradually, step by step, layer after layer, yet persistently, for permanent results. A year of patience and discipline can often save a decade of useless effort. As some of my clients said: “I can hardly recognize the person I used to be!“

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