你的潜意识相信什么是爱？

如果你问自己 你从父母身上学到了什么爱 – from each of them separately, as well as from their relationship – you could come to interesting insights. But our conscious answers are just the top of the iceberg, while most of our emotional patterns become obvious (or not) only when triggered by specific external circumstances.

On a conscious level, all of us (or at least all of us “normal” people) desire warm, genuine, mutual relationships, hopefully balanced in terms of power. In reality, most people recognize with time that they are repeatedly attracted to a specific type of unhealthy relationship: perhaps relationships full of anger, mistrust, unpredictability, control, detachment, unavailability, criticism… no matter what their conscious minds want. We might even have a feeling that such a relationship was somehow “fated”, and might not feel attracted to potential partners who are warm, reliable, responsible and available. Why?

Our basic, deepest impressions about love and closeness are created in early childhood, with parents. “Love” by itself is quite an abstract word, but for a small child love primarily means a sense of 安全、联系和归属感.小孩子不可能不需要和不寻求这种感觉。如果缺少健康的爱，无论父母的行为多么不健康，小孩子都会努力从父母的行为中寻找安全感和联系。

For babies and toddlers, their parents are literally a “higher power”, some sort of gods, even if small children have no concept of religion (but, as I wrote 在别处宗教往往基于我们对父母的体验或我们对父母的期望）。父母是整个世界，父母是生命和生存的源泉，父母遍布半个地平线。小孩子有一种强烈而深刻的本能，那就是与父母保持联系并信任他们。

孩子没有经验和视角，甚至没有发达的理性思维，无法客观地评估和解释父母的不健康行为。虽然大多数孩子对自己需要什么样的爱有一些健康的直觉，但与父母产生联系的需要通常比这些直觉更强烈。 孩子会试图从来自父母的任何东西中找到一些爱和归属感, even if it’s neglect or abuse. Manipulation can be especially difficult to resist, as even adult people sometimes have trouble resisting it.

Children of unhealthy parents will grasp at straws – at any glimmer of hope, or precious moments of relief, or anything parents are willing to give, regardless of conditions and the price to be paid. This is particularly true for 孩子天生更敏感、更有同理心或天性更容易形成焦虑依恋风格的儿童。见 依恋类型和障碍以及如何治愈它们.)

在孩子出生后的第一年，母亲是爱的基本来源。 The deepest foundation of a child’s sense of self is usually created within those first months of the relationship with the mother. Somewhat later, in the period of developing sexual identity, usually the parent of the opposite gender comes into focus and the child tries to connect to that parent in whatever way. Considering that for boys mother is not only the primary source of love, but also the parent of the opposite gender, the relationship with mother might be even more detrimental than for girls in shaping expectations of close relationships. (I’m not sure how it works for not-straight children – if you have experience, I’m interested to hear about it.) One way or the other, people whose mother was unhealthy have it worse than people whose father was the more problematic one. Not to mention if both parents were toxic.

Even when children are able to recognize their parents’ behavior is not healthy, 他们一直希望父母最终会幡然醒悟 and become loving and accepting. A child can be aware how love is possible with just a little more understanding, and they have trouble understanding why is it so difficult for parents to make that little switch in perception and behavior. (This is not so easy to understand even from an adult perspective, let alone from a child’s!) Similar like with “Stockholm’s syndrome”, if toxic behavior is followed by some kind of relief – if a parent after a period of yelling, violence or neglect comes to their senses (or, comes back from age-regressed into adult state of mind) and tries to apologize or make things right to the child – the child can become even more bonded to that hope than they would in different circumstances bond to a healthy, reliable parent. In such a way, the child also bonds to a similar kind of feelings and behaviors in close relationships.

无论我们多么成熟, we still carry within ourselves the early impressions of what family and home meant to us – what did our child brain learn to associate with belonging, connectedness and security. This might not be obvious in most of our adult activities and roles which don’t call for a high level of intimacy (although it can sometimes show in close friendships). But 当我们寻求深度亲密时我们会不自觉地依赖幼时的印象来引导自己。

你能想象爱意味着接纳、信任、理解、平衡，意味着自由地做最美（从内心）的自己吗？在意识上，也许是的，但如果你的父母是挑剔的、轻蔑的、不可预测的或控制欲强的，当你得到健康的爱时，你可能会觉得一个温暖、平易近人、冷静、可靠的人只是 doesn’t love you the right way, or doesn’t offer the intensity, suspense and struggle you associate with love. You might even feel 如果你接受了健康的爱，就好像你背叛、抛弃了你的父母 and happiness. Many people don’t allow themselves to be happier than their parents.

根据你与父母的具体经历和成长环境，你可能已经学会把爱与以下一种或多种感觉和行为联系在一起：

• • • 控制.在混乱、不可靠的父母身边长大的人，以及在过于严格、挑剔和惩罚的父母身边长大的人，成年后可能会在某种形式的夸张控制中寻求安全感、解脱感和爱。有些人通过以下方式感到安全和舒适 另寻他人 谁将掌握控制权（并因此承担以下责任 责任 以及潜在的负罪感）。其他人感到安全、被爱和被欣赏 只有在他们掌控的情况下 (否则，他们会害怕无助和混乱）。偶尔的冲突、压抑情绪和批评是可以接受的。即使这种关系有时会让人感觉稳定，但如此不平衡的关系也不会有什么好结果。如果不出意外，控制会导致停滞不前，失去许多积极改变、质疑、通过新经验学习和面对压抑情绪的机会。

• • • 内疚、恐惧、羞愧 如果你在父母过于苛刻、挑剔和惩罚的环境中长大，也许内疚、恐惧和羞愧是你与他们建立联系并确保某种关系的方式。也许内疚、恐惧和羞愧 仍然让你感到安全, meaning you feel they prevent you from committing mistakes and risking important relationships. Then people who make you feel guilty, fearful or ashamed might, paradoxically, appear safer in your mind than people who give you freedom to be yourself – because you don’t trust yourself (和其他人）足以接受这种自由。

• • 孤独、悲伤、渴望 如果你的父母在情感上或身体上缺席或无法陪伴，即使是孤独、悲伤和思念也能提供某种 舒适感 和联系感。这种舒适感基于 希望即使希望只是一种幻觉。见 When Hope is a “Negative” Emotion.)可用的、热情的、平易近人的人意味着放弃熟悉的、令人愉快的希望和憧憬。无论熟悉的事物多么不温不火，多么难以满足，它都可能比未知的事物更安全、更自然。

• • 愤怒和蔑视. If parents were manipulative, suffocating, childish, needy, and also in other toxic circumstances where a child wasn’t frightened or shamed enough to feel and express anger, such anger can remain within a person and come out in context of close relationships. This is often related to the dismissive-avoidant attachment disorder (条）和对亲密关系的恐惧（条), because love is perceived as dangerous to one’s own identity and boundaries. If you feel anger and resistance when a (potential) partner tries to come close or desires anything from you, you probably don’t feel safe to set good boundaries, or you feel that if you open up emotionally, it will be used against you. You might seek safety in separation and being alone, but it’s not a solution, just an illusion of a solution.

• • • 需要拯救某人/赢得爱。 Unhealthy, unhappy parents who need help, or parents who are cold, dismissive, difficult to please, can make a child feel the need to prove themselves and earn love – whether by trying to help the parents, or by trying to prove their own abilities and qualities. Such a person can learn to feel 特而重 如果他们偶尔获得成功，可能会找到难以获得的爱情 更有价值 than love which is available and doesn’t require struggle, i.e., people who love them as they are. Even if they never succeed in proving themselves or saving someone, even if “earning” love requires fulfilling very unrealistic criteria or sacrificing their own important needs, 希望感到与众不同 can feel more attractive than love given freely. This includes the pattern of competing with a third person for someone’s love (if a love interest is already in a relationship, or sometimes with a partner’s or one’s own children). In reality, if you have to struggle to earn someone’s love, such love is obviously weak and fleeting rather than particularly valuable.

• 戏剧、打斗、暴力 “Negative” attention is better than no attention in the mind of a child. If a child doesn’t have much chance to experience healthy attention, warmth, intimacy and happiness, then drama, rage and suspense can become associated with intense emotions, and therefore with the intensity of a relationship. A peaceful relationship full of respect and understanding doesn’t offer so much excitement, so many ups and downs, which such people can confuse with lack of passion.

These are just the most common patterns, and depending of our own experience, we can develop more “fine-tuned” and elaborated ones. Perhaps you are attracted to people who initially seem available and kind, but suddenly abandon you. Perhaps you are attracted to people who appear independent, authentic and warm, but turn out to be unhappy, withdrawn and insecure. Perhaps you stay in relationship with somebody not because of that person, but because their family seems to offer something you crave – warmth, belonging and connectedness, or status, security and power. Maybe your parents spoiled you and you believe love means receiving without needing to give. And so on.

这些烙印很深，它们根植于我们大脑中更古老、更本能的部分，而不是我们的理性或有意识的知识和经验。 我们能改变它们吗？ Yes, we can, if we invest persistent, intense effort for as long as it takes (and the time needed depends of how old you were when the toxic influences started – the younger you were, the more time you’ll need). The more honest and intense your effort, the better the results will be.

您可以 学会将爱与健康的情绪和行为联系起来 通过与你内心的孩子一起工作，治愈与父母的关系，并强烈想象健康、充满爱的关系。通过这种方式，你不仅能改变自己对爱的看法，还能 你的基本自我形象 – and that can change many other aspects of your life. It’s important to not get scared of change – and to not neglect working with your patterns as soon as pain and frustration subside. Your inner child can “fall asleep” and pain can recede back into subconscious mind – but the deep patterns won’t be healed until they are given dedicated and long-term attention.

更多信息

爱情关系中的模式

在爱中受苦

所有文章 

在线辅导