价值观与个人特质

大多数人选择亲密伴侣、朋友，有时甚至是商业伙伴，都是基于他们的个人特质，而不是他们的价值观。例如，我们会注意到某个人聪明、幽默、友好、自信，等等。然而，所有这些特质并不意味着这样的人会 珍视我们所珍视的 – and values are what 人际关系的建立或破裂. When I say “values” I mean basic principles that you use as 生活指导.

Perhaps one person values adventure, and the other safety. One values luxury, the other environmental protection. One values consideration for others, the other “the right of the strongest”. One values spontaneity, the other organization. This can all be somewhat independent of specific desirable personal traits.

价值观和个人特质都是通过与生俱来的本能和环境影响共同形成的。但两者还是有区别的。个人特质可以被描述为稳定的行为习惯和身体或心理能力，而价值观则代表了对你来说最重要的东西： 你想成为什么样的人，你想怎样生活，你想生活在什么样的世界里.

Of course, values direct behavior, so they greatly influence development and manifestation of personal traits. On the other hand, cognitive values develop later than key behavioral traits; values follow the development of rational thought, while important behavioral traits are often manifested earlier in one’s childhood. Anyhow, it’s important to recognize that 有吸引力的个人特质不一定与关键价值观相关决定关系成功与否的因素。

价值观的定义和发展

价值观可以定义为我们用来 指导我们的生活和行为.我们可以有不同的价值观，但只有其中一些重要到足以决定我们的生活。其他价值观可能不那么重要，更容易改变和妥协。 至关重要 您的价值观是 不妥协 并愿意 牺牲因为你们认为它们在全球范围内异常重要。

Not everybody has important and stable personal values. A significant number of people don’t seem to follow any particular principles in life, while others might have principles which are flexible and situational. Lack of principles is a similar obstacle to healthy relationships as incompatible principles.

更多 情感成熟 人们就越会根据自己的价值观来选择自己的价值观。 全球意义 – influence on the level of humanity and the planet. Less mature adult people are guided by values they perceive as significant for their 狭窄的社区和所属群体 – sometimes regardless of other communities and their needs. 儿童、青少年和未成年成人 大多遵循与其自身相关的原则 私利.

由此得出的结论是，即使是重要的价值观，尽管具有相对稳定性，也并非不可改变。它们可以 改变 主要通过 重要经历.这些经历在情感上足够强烈，足以促使我们看到一个 殊途同归.通常，这些困难、痛苦的经历有助于我们理解其他人在类似情况下的感受。(这就是为什么许多人在经历了家人的疾病或死亡之后，开始投入时间和金钱到致力于预防或治疗此类问题的组织中去）。基于这样的经历和理解，我们可以决定改变自己的行为和生活方式，因为我们可能会 上进心.

The more mature people are, the more they are able to change their perspective and improve their values even based on other people’s experiences, specifically through the ability to 认同他人的经历和观点.......。 欠成熟 人就越 强烈、直接 他们必须亲身经历才能愿意改变自己的观点。

价值观和关系

如果 如果两个人的重要价值观是一致的，那么无论有多少其他差异，这段关系都能取得成功. This is because such differences do not threaten the principles to which you dedicated your lives. But what if one person values integrity, and the other money; one values equal rights, and the other power and control; one values open communication and the other avoids vulnerability at all costs; one cherishes responsibility and the other short-term fun? These are rather extreme examples, but they make it obvious why, despite all the potentially attractive personal traits, some relationships don’t stand a chance.

Simply put, if somebody spontaneously and continuously hurts a principle which for you is a “guiding light”, 你的本能会反抗迅速而贫穷。

Even then, most people ignore values and focus on personal traits: “This and that bothers me… but (s)he is so charming, dynamic, original… I wouldn’t like to give all that up!” Yet, if you focus instead on which values you share, and which you do not, you might get a clearer idea if you are wasting your time or not. Values are best assessed based on 言行一致. Most of the time, it’s not bad intentions but incompatible values that lead to a relationship crisis, although many people will believe such incompatibility to be the result of bad intentions by the other side.

价值非常 情感建构因此 对大多数理性论点都有抵触情绪尤其是如果我们考虑到多年来为这些价值观所投入的时间和精力。我们的某些价值观是从环境（父母、社会）中学习的，在这种情况下 关键的（隐藏的）价值其实是与那些重要人物的联系, rather than verbalized values. That’s the key reason why some people stubbornly hold on to values that might be damaging for themselves or others, or values that are simply shallow. It’s similar with toxic beliefs which we take over from parents when we are children, and might hold on to them throughout our lives.

经验 结合 willingness to recognize one’s own mistakes 可能有助于改变其中的一些价值观。如果两者缺一不可，就不要指望一个人会改变。人们越不愿意承认自己思想中的错误，就越需要极端和痛苦的经历来改变价值观。并不是所有人都有机会经历这样的体验。

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