试图挽回失去的爱情

童年的感受

Being left by someone is hard on both our ego and our inner child. Suddenly losing a source of human connection and attention—whether we appreciated it or took it for granted—often triggers childhood memories of loss and abandonment, sometimes accompanied by fear and despair. These childhood feelings can overpower both our adult realism and self-esteem, making it very tempting to spend a lot of time and energy trying to win back lost love.

One of the most common motivating messages you can encounter online is something like, “Trust your feelings – follow your heart!” Yet sometimes it’s important to 不 follow our hearts – when we recognize our emotions are childish – but to temper those emotions with the rational mind and the objective perspective. After that, you need to focus on 将幼稚的情感转化为成人的情感而不是试图控制你的外部体验。这虽然更难，但从长远来看却更健康、更有益。

I’ve written before about how falling in love is often tied to unconsciously seeking a replacement for parents (see: 爱情关系中的模式). When our “inner child” becomes bonded to a loved one, we might unconsciously perceive them as irreplaceable, the most important person on Earth – just like parents were for us when we were small.

This might not be so obvious as long as the relationship is stable; in those times our conscious adult minds prevail (hopefully). But as soon as we are faced with losing that person, suddenly they become essentially important and keeping them around becomes our priority – just like a child feels with a parent. I’ve seen that happen with many people who previously took their partner for granted (see: 您是否觉得被人视作理所当然？虐待与无条件的爱).

我们幼稚的需求和 幼稚地认为我们只有这一次机会 to be loved and to feel a deep connection suddenly arise. That’s why people so often say things like “my world crumbled” or “my life is empty without him/her”! Many fear they won’t have another chance or that they’ll never find somebody who comes even close to their ex. In the same time, their environment might wonder what on earth did they even see in their ex.

我应该把它们找回来吗？

Who doesn’t love you is by definition not compatible with you. They either don’t recognize and appreciate your qualities – or perhaps they recognize them and have decided they don’t want them. That’s not something on which you can build a healthy, passionate relationship.

几乎可以肯定的是，你曾经历过不再爱你曾经爱过的人，或者至少不再爱回爱你的人。请回忆一下当时的感受。恳求、理由、溺爱和安抚，或者让你感到内疚，会改变你的情感吗？尤其是，当你自然而然地爱上某个人时，这些尝试是否会让你产生深深的吸引力和激情？

It’s much more likely that you felt annoyed, pressured, felt pity and ever decreasing respect for the person who tried to influence you in such ways, and felt even more repelled by them.

Even if such a person managed to convince you to try again, how long do you think it would have lasted? Would you have been able to focus on them with trust, passion and intensity? Or would you have wondered most days if you’d be happier somewhere else? Once they inevitably fell back into their old habits, would it have been any easier to tolerate them than before? Or would it have affirmed your previous decision to leave?

Imagine, on the other hand, that the person you broke up with (or couldn’t love) continued treating you with courtesy and respect, perhaps warmth, but focused primarily on improving their own life and increasing their own happiness and self-esteem. How would you then feel about them? I’d bet you’d feel more respect and more interest even if you couldn’t love them. Perhaps that person would have become more attractive to you, and, if you’ve been in a relationship before, you might have felt nostalgic about them. This certainly wouldn’t have happened with someone who acted dependent, desperate and pitiful.

依赖与尊严

依赖他人的感觉让我们想要控制他人, even if we don’t consciously realize it. What sane person likes to feel controlled? Would you like it if somebody tried to control you? That’s not love, that’s just a needy child acting out. The only responsible, respectful, adult thing you can do is to recognize that another adult has the full right to choose for themselves and acknowledge their own emotions.

如果你还能在自己的内心深处找到一丝自尊、骄傲和尊严，那就集中精力，全力以赴地抓住它。在任何困难的时刻、 扪心自问，一个有尊严、有自尊的人现在会怎么做？. Then act like it, no matter how difficult, and save your childish emotions to work with them later. You’ll be grateful to yourself later.

Take a long hard look at the other person. Are they really so wonderful as your desperate inner child imagines them to be? It seems there is no end to illusions and fantasies our minds can create as long as somebody reminds us even a little bit of our parents. In this context, again, it’s better to rely on your objective adult mind than your turbulent emotions. While adult emotions are an essential source of valuable information, childish emotions only give us information about our inexperienced, troubled past self.

Ask yourself, how would a person who really loves you act around you? Certainly not lukewarm, dismissive or indecisive. Compare what you want with what you have. Then consider, are you ready for a healthy love? Or maybe you’d find it not challenging, not tumultuous enough? Maybe you don’t feel you deserve it? (Check out: 你的潜意识相信爱情吗？）

也许你追求的不是爱，而是认可、肯定、赞同和价值感？那么你可能会被任何一个能给你带来关注的人所吸引，而这个人在你心目中的地位越高，你就越渴望得到他的肯定。要知道，这是一种幼稚的感觉，外界的任何东西都无法真正满足你。填补内心空虚的唯一方法就是从内心开始。

如何增加机会

人们往往会尊重尊重自己的人。 Independence and inner strength are attractive. Even within a relationship, it’s important to preserve your boundaries and emotional independence. This becomes especially important if you ever hope to be attractive again to someone who already lost their feelings for you. While there isn’t too much hope, that’s not unheard of – but your goal when building yourself from inside must be that you are doing it for yourself rather than to win them back. Focusing on your ex rather than the quality of your life would make your efforts superficial and fake.

Many people and websites advise you to “focus on your life and goals” – which is a good advice – but don’t tell you 当你的情绪开始反击时该怎么办. And that will happen. When childish emotions arise, most people either succumb to them or try to suppress them. Don’t do either. Focus on loving and comforting the panicking child part of you the way a loving (even if mildly frustrated) parent would do with a real child. Some people feel helped if they imagine loving parents comforting them, or a friend, or even an imaginary (new) partner. Some turn to spiritual support. Whatever works for you, use it.

让自己变得更强大的方法之一是专注于 增加和加深你的社会联系. Renew old friendships, seek new ones, strengthen the existing ones. Go to meetings, events, hobby or volunteering activities, group excursions, dance … Rather than hoping to receive, focus on giving: give your warmth, your kindness, your support… Giving often feels better than receiving and creates more self-esteem, too.

Keep working with your inner child even as you start feeling better (and definitely don’t stop even if your ex comes back). Childish imprints go deep and a few weeks are not enough to change them. You will know that you have achieved a change once you feel really good in your own skin and attracted to healthy relationships.

Check also my workbook “如何失恋“.

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