性问题

我以前写过关于 疾病心理背景, and sexual problems are often obvious examples of psychosomatic symptoms. If you have done your medical tests and the results didn’t show any physical issues that would cause a problem, it is time to focus on the possible less obvious causes. Of course, our psychology is complex, so the possible causes of sexual dysfunction are usually not simple and cannot be easily categorized. Yet we can recognize the following important aspects:

压力

压力对女性性欲的影响往往比男性更明显。男性把性作为一种缓解压力的策略并不少见，因此有时压力甚至会增强他们的性欲。这种情况在女性中并不常见。女性在性生活中更需要情感上的激励，其中包括 心旷神怡没有紧迫感，环境宜人。

如果压力是急性的和暂时的，那么性欲缺乏也许只是情境性的。真正的问题是 long-term, “background” tension that continuously saps one’s energy. This can be a symptom of external worries, such as problems at work, upbringing of children or lack of cooperation and trust within an intimate partnership. However, often such chronic stress can be a consequence of 童年经历 仍然具有无意识影响的因素：焦虑、内疚、自我批评等。

有些人可能已经习惯了这种压力，以至于在大多数情况下，他们几乎意识不到这种压力。如果 背景压力是您生活的正常部分你可能会对自己缺乏性欲感到困惑，或许还会为此感到内疚。肤浅、自私的伴侣可能会因为你缺乏性兴趣而批评、指责和贬低你，从而增加你的压力。在这种情况下，你的性欲可能比你更明智。你真的想冒险和这样的人生儿育女吗？

If you are a man, and your female partner’s libido is chronically low, 考虑你们的关系是否平衡 in terms of sharing work and responsibilities. “Dish washing is the best foreplay” is true anywhere and anytime, but especially if a woman is overburdened with all kinds of obligations. Do you really invest effort into your daily life together, or do you expect her to take care of details and find excuses to be lazy? Best to ask her. (This is all, of course, applicable to women if the situation is less traditional.)

与身体和情感分离

嘈杂的大脑和持续的分析可能是一种纯粹的 体型尤其是当你的工作要求你每天花几个小时处于这种精神状态时。一天结束时，你可能很难 “turn your brain off” 和放松。你的大脑可能会继续超负荷工作，在你努力做爱的同时，迷失在计划、担忧和义务中。

如果没有其他原因，你可以相对容易地学会在下班回来后或至少在睡觉前放松自己，重新与身体建立联系。然而，问题可能并不只是表面上的习惯。也许您已经 控制性问题从父母那里或在混乱的经历中学到的。你是否通常都有完美主义和批评倾向？在这种情况下，持续的心理活动可能是你试图控制自己生活和 避免压抑恐惧.

练习将你的注意力拉回到你的身体和感受上, instead of getting lost in thoughts. It might feel weird in the beginning, but soon you will probably be able to stay focused on making love much more easily. If this wouldn’t be enough, you might need to check if there are other unconscious patterns that prevent you from being in your own body.

也许，在孩提时代，你曾 学会了情绪是痛苦的、可耻的或不可接受的 环境？也许你已经学会了淡化情感表达，或者用勉强的幽默来冲淡情感表达。如果你特别理性，回避情感，那么在性交过程中，你可能特别难以调整自己的情感。这对女性来说可能尤其如此。许多男性认为，性爱时刻是允许和期待情感的难得时刻；如果女性学会了与自己的情感分离，那么她可能会在心理和社会条件下，在性爱中更加回避情感。

社会期望

这是另一种压力，尤其是女性所承受的压力。在互联网和大众媒体上大量出现的性行为主要是由于 男性幻想, represented in ways stimulating to many men. Inexperienced people, young people in particular, build their sexual expectations on such fantasies and expect their sexual partners to act in such ways. These scenarios are often not comfortable for women, yet young girls who don’t know themselves well and don’t respect themselves enough might believe such media more than their own feelings. Thus they may 忽视自己的本能和情感 以适应男性的期望。

因此，对女性的社会压力可能不仅来自男性，女性和女孩也可以相互施加压力，如果她们 accept other people’s ideas of what is “normal”.如果意外怀孕，妇女遭受后果的可能性要大得多，这有时会限制她们的一生。因此 女性更谨慎、标准更高更切合实际 for sexual partners. If a woman learns to ignore such instincts, she has to deny and debase many other of her own emotions. This is a burden that she might carry into her future relationships, even if she doesn’t experience obvious traumas such as sexual abuse, unwanted pregnancy or abortion.

转移

Intimate relationships often start with transference (we fall in love with people who unconsciously remind us of important people from our past). In the beginning, this is normally a key ingredient of enthusiasm and passion. Yet when the “honeymoon” is over, the unpleasant consequences of transference, such as accumulating resentment, become visible. (Check 本条 了解更多信息）。

其中一个可以是 暧昧情愫. If your partner is an unconscious replacement for your father or mother, sister or a brother, or even a grandfather… how likely are you to go to bed with those members of your family? If even just a tiny part of your brain is aware of similarities of your partner to these people, your body can automatically object. Consider this possibility if your libido is otherwise normal, but you feel inexplicable resistance to making love to your partner.

信念

让你无法放松地享受性快乐的信念 无需有意识和口头表达. Sometimes they may only manifest as subtle, unspecific discomfort or resistance. Perhaps you are so used to this that it feels normal. Remember how did your parents talk to you about sexuality and related topics? Were they calm and relaxed, or did they show irritation, discomfort, shame or avoidance? Such behavior doesn’t have to be traumatic to leave a lasting impression on a child.

父权制社会将性视为一种羞辱不仅女性被表现为被利用的对象，男性也被间接地表现为自私、肤浅和咄咄逼人。公共媒体和行为中此类内容的数量有助于我们评估社会和个人的情感成熟度。 健康的社会和个人认为，性是两个人的相互关系，他们欣赏对方是完整的人。 Such a relationship doesn’t humiliate or exploit anyone and is therefore innocent.

我建议您 选择那些行为表现出将你视为一个完整的人并尊重你的伴侣, instead of a projection of their past (transference), their imagination or hormons. With such a partner, your toxic beliefs cannot be continuously reinforced. There are few of such people and you might need time to learn to know them well – but it is well worth the effort.

我们的辅导还能帮助你解决过去的有毒信念，整合你失去的部分。

过度刺激

你以前的经验和习惯会影响什么会对你产生性刺激。就像气味、味道和许多其他刺激一样、 一旦我们习惯了某种刺激，我们就不会再注意到它，直到它变得越来越强烈. Perhaps certain spices and tastes felt weird and intense when you first tried them, yet after a while you got so used to them that a small amount wasn’t enough anymore. Some people, for example, feel a need for adrenaline. They might use more and more extreme sports (or other risky activities, such as gambling or even crime) to achieve the level of stimulation they want. After a while, the risks they have gotten used to are simply not enough. Something similar can happen with sexual stimuli.

In early stages of human evolution, people were used to seeing exposed bodies so they weren’t sexually aroused by bodies alone. Obvious sexual signals were needed to arouse interest, similarly as among animals. Later, people started covering their intimate parts to protect them during dangerous activities and to achieve more freedom of movement. As humanity spread to colder climates (or harsh climates such as deserts), people needed more and more protection, so they started making clothes of animal skins, and later other materials.

一旦人们习惯了看到被衣服遮盖的身体，裸体就变得越来越不寻常了。 以前很正常的事情，现在开始引起越来越强烈的反应人们开始感到需要控制这两种反应。人们开始觉得有必要控制这两种反应。于是，各种社会和宗教规则与禁忌应运而生。

Only a few centuries ago, it was unusual to see a bare female ankle or shoulder throughout Europe. In Arabic countries, where people needed to cover their faces to protect them from sun or sand, it became unusual to even see a woman’s face. Considering that a male body is usually less by itself stimulating to women, there was less perceived need to wrap it in rules too. On the other hand, in some countries women can be judged as immoral if even their necks or ankles can be glimpsed through their clothing.

在西方国家，情况恰恰相反。人们先是习惯了裸露的肩膀和低领，然后是迷你裙和裸露的腹部，再后来是海滩上的裸胸和丁字裤。最近，随着互联网的发展、 色情 如果不考虑这些网站通常附带的所有间谍软件和恶意软件的话），许多人，尤其是年轻人，已经认为这是理所当然的了。 “Regular” sex is not so exciting anymore, so other kinds of unusual stimulation are sought after. Many people now expect anal sex, which many women find painful and hurtful. (If your partner insists on anal sex which you don’t want, buy a dildo and demand: “You first!” 😉 )

有些人使用这种 以刺激代替爱性，关注和亲密。性活动会刺激我们体内内啡肽的分泌，从而暂时产生一种情感空虚被填补的感觉。因此，性可以成为一种 瘾头, such as with all activities and substances which replace emotional health and balance. If you are addicted to sex, at least you do not ingest such harmful substances as many other addictions would make you do – but an emotional relationship with a real person might become secondary.

如果您习惯于看露骨的色情内容，那么赤裸的身体和被伴侣抚摸对您来说可能还不够。 保持高度兴奋在这种情况下，你可能会尝试使用越来越多的不常见体位和场景，直到这需要太多的精力和注意力，以至于你不再关注你的伴侣。我们可以预见，随着个人性生活习惯和期望之间的差异越来越大，年轻人之间的性问题也会越来越多。

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