自尊与爱情关系

有时人们会问我，一个人应该在潜在伴侣身上寻求哪些品质。我认为这个问题应该得到更详细的回答，所以我在这里给出一个长长的答案。

我会把自尊放在首位，因为 自尊影响我们生活的所有其他方面.然而，要找到一个真正拥有健康自尊的人并不容易。许多被认为是（过于）自尊的表现形式实际上只是 对缺乏自爱的补偿如：寻求关注、炫耀、傲慢、渴望权力等等。很多时候，我们潜意识中的自我形象是有毒的，而意识中的自我形象或多或少是中性的。在我看来，没有多少人真正体验过，如果我们感受到健康的自爱，我们的生活会变得多么不同。(如需了解更多信息，请参阅文章 “What is Self-esteem?”)

爱与需要

Many people feel flattered and pleased when they sense that their partner needs them badly, clings to them, and will suffer a lot if they should separate (doesn’t this sound like what we often consider to be romantic love?). However, those are indications that your partner loves you in a childish, needy way and not in an adult manner. They don’t see you as a unique human being, but as a substitute for an important person from their past.在这种情况下，他们的爱并不真正属于你。在这种关系中 you don’t have the freedom to be who you truly are.你的伴侣与你紧密相连，依赖你扮演他们赋予你的角色，并期望你成为他们认为需要的那种人。每一次与理想化形象的偏差都会造成恐惧，破坏气氛，引起指责和冲突。

For an emotionally healthy person, closeness with an emotionally mature partner who is not dependent of our love is a true compliment – but many people feel insecure in this kind of relationship because of the popular 认为 "爱 "意味着执着和戏剧性的依赖反应.

如果你注意到，每当你注意到你的伴侣表达温柔时，你就会融化，或感到安全感增强，甚至有一种力量或优越感。 自卑症状: dependency, bonding, self-criticism, pessimism etc. – know that, to the same extent, 他们无法感受到成熟的爱和对你的尊重这肯定会给你们关系的其他方面带来问题。

People who criticize themselves, don’t listen to their own needs, treat their emotions as not important, will tend to do the same to others in different circumstances, and that includes you. On the other hand, if somebody is inconsiderate to other people’s feelings and needs, shows coldness, criticism, aggression and irony, they will treat their own true being in the same way. It might not be obvious from outside… aggressiveness is a mask under which such people suppress self-hatred.

If you show pity and play the role of savior when your partner acts like a victim, you will not help them. This, however, doesn’t mean you should leave them, or that you should be rigid, coldly rational or critical in those moments. 成人之爱 有时，这意味着以同情、机智和尊重的态度，让你所爱的人面对现实，并支持他们努力变得快乐和独立。

平衡责任

This doesn’t mean that if you have high self-esteem you’ll be happy all the time and other people’s behavior won’t bother you at all. Sadness is a natural reaction to loss, and fear, longing, anger… are all natural emotions. (Check the article “Emotional Maturity” for the info about distinguishing healthy – adult emotions from childish ones). 能够接受自己的情绪 并以适当的方式表达出来，是真正自尊的标志。同样，对自己有足够的信任，才能在一段关系中敞开心扉、放松自我。这可以说是与他人建立联系的一种健康方式。

另一方面，你越不重视自己，你就越感到无能为力，你就越会 怨天尤人 for your emotions and overall happiness. As a result, you might criticize others, complain, avoid noticing and considering others’ feelings and needs, and might resort to “emotional blackmail”.

排名第二的理想品质是 致力于不断自我完善.之所以没有把这一质量放在首位，是因为 自卑阻碍变革和独立思考, makes a person prone to suggestions, often dogmatic and more focused on formalities rather than on the true essence of personal growth. People who on a deep level don’t appreciate themselves will likely value an authority’s opinion rather than their own, and sabotage all changes that might lead to the increase of happiness. The quality of their partnership might be one of them. Therefore I believe self-esteem to be more important for a successful relationship.

我们究竟被什么吸引？

Self-esteem is a basis for optimism, and often for a healthy sense of humor, communication skills and many other qualities we expect from a good partner. Yet, even if we meet a person who possesses all those qualities – very often we won’t perceive them as a potential partner! We might appreciate such a person, but we might not feel romantically attracted to them (except maybe if they are unavailable). Romantic love tends to bond us to a person who 引发我们尚未解决的情绪模式和问题.

许多重复着明显不健康关系模式的人学会了 将戏剧性和不成熟的行为与爱联系起来因此，他们会觉得这很有吸引力。在这种情况下，他们可能会在与健康人的关系中感到无聊。即使你被更成熟的关系所吸引，你也可能仍然带着一些不健康的爱情形象，并被它们所吸引，尽管这比较难识别，因为这些模式是微妙的，并不那么明显。

你是否能轻松自如地感受到对自己强烈的爱？你相信其他人能够真正、深刻、持续地爱你吗？你是否有过这样的经历：你爱的人却无法接受或信任你的爱？ If we do not love ourselves, we can’t truly feel other people’s love 或相信它。

I’d say that, when another person loves us, we do not “receive“ their love directly: our awareness of the other’s love amplifies and supports those parts of us that are healthy and full of love for ourselves.只有当我们能够爱自己、欣赏自己的时候，我们才能感受到对方对我们的爱的充实和深刻。

无论如何 we will feel attracted to the person whose emotional maturity – which is inseparable from self-esteem – is in line with our own. This helps us understand how important it is to work on our self-improvement “in advance”, rather than to hope that a relationship with another person will bring solutions to our problems. This is why it’s said “to find the person you want, first you have to become such a person”.

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