人际关系中应注意的 "红旗 "信号

不兼容性 is fairly common in relationships, which means there are plenty of potential red flags of incompatibility depending of one’s values and personal traits. However, sometimes you might not simply be incompatible with a love interest, but you might have stumbled upon a realistically toxic and possibly violent person. While red flags in such cases can be subtle and various, some of them are more common and often reported by people who got “burned”. I’ll list many of them below and roughly divide them into categories.

Remember: many of those signals don’t necessarily mean a person is “bad”, but you don’t have to see them as “bad” to understand that a relationship with them can be toxic for you. It would be easier if people were all good or all bad, of course, but it’s never so. 不健康的人也有温暖和值得尊敬的部分… but if they hide them, ignore them or avoid expressing them, the end result is the same as if they never had them.

Also, these red flags don’t mean you shouldn’t even give a chance to someone – they mean you need to be cautious, 挺身而出 如果需要的话，避免过早地对这样的人产生感情。

While you are in love and have high hopes for a relationship, it’s easy to tell yourself that a problematic behavior is “accidental”, “won’t happen again” or “with me, he/she’ll be different”. Keep in mind that, as a rule, where there is smoke, there is fire, and every action reflects at least a part of someone’s personality价值观和信仰。而且，通常 爱不够 to change that. Also, be aware that the red flags of toxic behavior are usually very subtle in the beginning, and increase very slowly. So pay attention and don’t dismiss anything as irrelevant.

First serious argument and how it’s resolved 往往是您未来预期的良好指标。 你的伴侣是否倾听你的心声，考虑你的话，以真诚和欣赏的态度与你交流？还是无视你、贬低你、试图控制或操纵你？如果是后一种情况，不要希望这样的人将来会与众不同，愿意看到你的观点； people whose behavior shows lack of empathy won’t suddenly become empathetic特别是如果他们认为这意味着失去权力和特权。

Don’t criticize yourself if you’ve ignored relationship red flags in the past. Trust is not a sin. Sometimes we need experience to learn to pay attention to such warning signs. However, it’s also a good idea to learn something from other people’s experiences而不仅仅是你自己。

关系红旗分类：

匆忙建立关系

(表示：占有欲/不安全感/移情/缺乏健康的界限/想在性方面利用你）。

– In the beginning, it seems “too good to be true”: they agree with whatever you want, they try hard to please you, they are full of promises and compliments, they put you “on a pedestal”. In other words: 他们不真实.当这样的人露出真面目时，可能会大相径庭。

– proclaims love a few days after meeting you; talks about marriage, children and life together within a month or less. This is often called “love bombing” and “future faking”. A healthy person will take time to get to know you better and check if you are compatible. Rushing a relationship probably means that, whatever it’s about, it’s not about the real you.

– floods you with text messages or phone calls soon after meeting you (and might blame you and become full of accusations if you don’t answer quickly enough or often enough)

A problem with this behavior is that even narcissists can truly believe they are in love, if they hope you are the person who will provide what they need (also called “narcissistic supply”). In that case their enthusiasm might be genuine, in which case your instincts might not warn you about the lack of authenticity.

控制狂

– keeps demanding “good enough” explanations for innocuous behaviors

– often 检查你，询问你 about where you are, who are you with, and what you’re doing

– 批评你的朋友和家人 for no big reason, doesn’t like you to spend time with them, with time might try to isolate you from them

– directly or indirectly 批评你的长相和穿着 (you might feel they are trying to either make you fit a model in their head, or force you to be less attractive). This doesn’t include occasional neutral comment about what suits you well and such.

– 情感勒索, inducing guilt (“if you really loved me, you would …” and such)

– has hard time accepting you doing things without them

– has hard time with you expressing 异说包括合理的愿望、期望和平衡的批评

– 诋毁或嫉妒 你的智力、才能、教育或爱好

– 为你们俩做决定不征求你的意见

– 无论你做什么，他们都会做出最坏的解释

– tries to 控制你的财务 (might include insisting that you don’t work)

(可能的）精神虐待

– they 钻空子在不舒服和其他脆弱的时刻，以 增强他们的权力感 通过不必要或夸大的批评、贬低和类似的方式来压制你

– they 置之不理 你用语言或非语言表达不同意、不适或不满

– 无论你怎么努力，他们总能找到批评的理由

– expresses racism, nationalism, sexism or other -isms (pay special attention to sexism – sooner or later this will influence your relationship directly)

– selfishness in sex

– mean, “venomous” humor. Humor is a great quality if well-meaning and creative, but expressing malice through humor is something quite different – it’s passive aggression that shows one’s desire to feel powerful at the expense of others (and is often not particularly funny anyway). Be aware of the difference.

– “blowing hot and cold” 是情绪控制的一种形式。温暖给人希望，冷漠给人困惑，两者都是情感的纽带。

– 蔑视或拒绝表达爱、支持和温暖

– generally shows 缺乏同情心 (无论是为自己还是为他人）

– tries to make you jealous

– tries to convince you that you are lucky to be with them and that nobody else would want you

– 自尊心受挫 in their company (while it usually doesn’t happen around other people)

– you feel uncomfortable expressing your feelings and opinions around this person; 你要学会提前计划或审查你的交流和行为 more than you normally would. You keep analyzing yourself trying to figure out what you’re doing wrong.

(可能的）外遇和滥交

– 矛盾和不可预测性 言行举止

– 不可靠在最后一刻取消计划，或以难以令人信服的借口突然离开

– 避免介绍你 给他们的朋友、熟人和家人

– goes into another room to talk on the phone; hides their mobile phone and social media from you

– complains about “those crazy guys/girls” who “don’t want to leave him/her alone”, but “doesn’t want to hurt their feelings”

– is 疑忌 没有明确的理由（将自己的行为投射到你身上）

– suddenly ceases to communicate, and suddenly starts again

– you have a “gut feeling” 他们在骗你

可能的身体暴力

– has history of violent behavior

– finds excuses for their own or anybody else’s violent behavior

– gets angry easily

– when angry, comes physically close to you, block your way out, kick furniture or break things

– generally impulsive and lacking self-control

– you feel like “walking on eggshells” around this person

– you are afraid of how they might act if angered

其他（一般不成熟、自私、缺乏诚信和类似的迷人特征）

– 自怜认为自己是受害者，将自己的问题归咎于他人

– 非常自卑 或自我膨胀、过度自信和 傲慢 (通常是对隐性缺乏健康自尊的补偿）

– 轻蔑地、报复性地谈论前伴侣或过度谈论他们

– 保不住饭碗经济上不负责任，依赖父母

– 与父母中的一方或双方过于亲密（结合特别是当父母干涉他们的生活并想为他们做决定时

– 非语言行为和姿势 that feels weird: stiff, nervous, unusual tone of voice (monotonous, for example), seems a little tense most of the time, or has excess, choleric energy… especially if combined with other red flags. Might stare at you intensely (especially if they want something) or avoid eye contact.

– most of their behavior and emotional reactions feel a bit over the top, unregulated by reason.

– their words don’t match their actions (they don’t stand behind what they say)

– they are not happy about your success; they seem in better mood when you are feeling down

– they tell you directly: “I’m not good for you”, “I’m not as good as you think” and similar. Don’t think they are joking or exaggerating. They know themselves much better than you do.

– demands a lot; gives little

– 拒绝谈论问题 关系中，并与您一起找到解决方案

– most if not all of your friends are warning you against them

– they are 对自己的父母，尤其是异性父母无礼、蔑视或咄咄逼人. This is not the same as defending one’s boundaries or sometimes being angry with parents. Even if parents are toxic or violent, one doesn’t need to follow their example. The boundaries can be established with dignity: by reducing or ending communication, or by calm confrontation. As people often project their old feelings for their parents on a partner, 对异性父母的憎恨或蔑视很可能会在日后投射到你身上.

– they seem more interested in what they can get from you, than in what kind of person you are

– they don’t have quality family or friendly relationships

– can’t admit a mistake道歉或表示感谢

– they ridicule your dreams, ideals and life values

– you keep hoping they’ll change, or that they are “not so bad inside”

– 你觉得在公共场合与他们在一起很尴尬

– 无论你如何将他们理想化，或试图为他们的行为辩解，你的直觉总是告诉你有些事情不对劲

倾听内心的声音 在判断某些行为是否是危险信号时. Do not feel guilty for having criteria and wanting a happy relationship. Don’t think you couldn’t find something better. Here’s what you could have instead:

– a relationship in which you feel free to open up emotionally and be fully yourself

– a relationship in which you feel respected and your opinions and desires are heard and taken into consideration

– a relationship in which your qualities are recognized and appreciated, while your faults can be constructively discussed

如果离开不成熟的伴侣，你会感到内疚吗？? It’s an indication that perhaps you perceive them more like a child or a parent than as an equally able adult, and perhaps you were conditioned by guilt in your early family. The best way to help (potential) abusers and toxic people is to not enable them to practice their power games on you (or others).

If they don’t experience unpleasant consequences, they can only be motivated to continue in the same ways. If they do experience consequences, they just might be motivated to change their values and treat their future partners better. So, allow them to feel the consequences. It’s a form of love.

建议阅读

与施虐者和受虐者合作

情感勒索

价值观与个人特质

如何挺身而出

所有文章 

在线辅导 

我们的 YouTube 频道