为结婚或同居做准备

If you look around a bit, it seems that in most “stable” relationships partners communicate more through grumbling and sarcasm, than with warmth and respect. These same partners, if somebody years ago suggested that they sit down and make a serious agreement about how their life together should look like, would probably say something like “but this is so unromantic!” or “What is there to talk about, we’ll solve problems as they come!”.

Some years later, more serious challenges appear – maybe financial problems, intrusive relatives, demanding or sick children. 每个伙伴都根据自己的家庭经验应对压力.同时，取悦伴侣的愿望也逐渐消失，每一次分歧都会造成更多的紧张和挫折。如果没有预先确定的策略来应对问题和分歧，双方都会有大量不成熟、不恰当的反应可供选择。

以健康、成熟的方式应对持续的刺激往往并不容易，因为这需要 责任与思考 just in the moments when we are at our most subjective and most impulsive. In such moments, it is good to have a firm agreement, preferably on a sheet of paper, which you can remind yourself of. It’s easier to make a fair, balanced agreement while both parties still feel mutual trust and desire to invest in the relationship.

因此，我建议，如果你打算与潜在伴侣结婚或同居，你们可以坐下来一起讨论你们的期望、对具体潜在问题的态度以及个人怪癖。即使这看起来过于正式，我也建议你们写下协议的基本内容。以后，你可能会很高兴自己这样做了。如果你的伴侣拒绝这样的谈话，试图嘲笑或贬低你的建议，这就很好地说明了他（她）以后在这段关系中可能会如何行事。注意你是否开始为这种行为找借口，并忽视身体发出的警告信号。

首先，让你们分别思考（最好写下来）对以下话题的看法，然后一起讨论：

• • 别人的哪些习惯让你讨厌?也许您喜欢安静的环境，或者强烈的气味让您心烦意乱？或者你讨厌被鼾声吵醒？即使听起来很可笑，但这些琐事最终会导致 积聚的刺激因此，最好事先明确这些问题，并决定如何解决。
  • 你的哪些习惯最终会惹恼你的伴侣?也许你喜欢每周和朋友出去几次，这在没有孩子的时候也许没问题，但一旦有了孩子就很容易出问题。你们可能有不同的生物节律。你们可能一天中的大部分时间都花在电脑上。 您愿意改变什么，不愿意改变什么？?

• • 您对整洁的要求是什么？?你准备做出什么样的妥协？

• • 如何分担家务?你准备好学习做一些你不习惯做的事情了吗？

• • 你会如何处理金钱?您是不假思索地花钱，还是每次购物都经过深思熟虑并喜欢节省？如何平衡可能出现的差异？你们将拥有共同账户还是独立账户？谁将被列为房屋或公寓的所有人？(我不建议只有你们中的一个人，除非你们就分居/离婚时如何分享财产达成了明确而平衡的协议）。

• • 您将在哪里以及如何生活? In a city or in the country? Do you prefer a modest life style or luxury? What do you like to do in your spare time? Do you expect that you should spend together most of the time, or busy yourself with different hobbies? (A short side-note: generally it’s a good idea to follow separate hobbies and spend some time apart. Insisting on doing things one of you might not like just for the sake of being together might create resentment. 分开一段时间还能减少将伴侣视为理所当然的可能性.不过，每对夫妻的情况都不一样，如果大多数事情都适合你们一起做，那就一起做吧）。

• 您将如何抚养孩子?你们每个人应该投入多少时间？你们对 纪律和宗教?如果孩子患有以下疾病，家庭将如何运作？ 健康问题?如果您有前一段婚姻的孩子，而这又给您的伴侣带来了问题，该怎么办？许多年轻夫妇告诉我，孩子需要付出的时间和精力远远超出他们的想象或预期。请与其他有孩子的夫妇交流他们的经验。做好生活和工作重点被颠覆的准备。如果一方认为自己已经接手了大部分照顾孩子的工作，而另一方则希望继续以前的生活方式，那么新手父母之间就会经常发生冲突。

• • 如果你们中有人觉得 父母过多干涉你们的关系?如果您的父母不接受您的伴侣怎么办？这种情况并不少见。

• • 在出现分歧、压力或易怒的情况下，您如何进行沟通？?你们的沟通习惯是什么？也许在实际情况发生时，这份协议并不容易执行，但它可以帮助你振作起来，激励自己。

• 如果你们其中一人开始被其他人吸引，你们该怎么办？? This is one of the possible problems new partners the least often take into account, but it is certainly possible and does not depend on rational decisions and beliefs. It is quite possible that at least one of the partners might eventually feel strongly sexually or emotionally attracted to a third party. Lately, it is not uncommon for one partner to (try to) persuade the other that it’s okay to have an “open marriage”. Is it important to you that your partner is fully committed to your relationship? How will you handle the temptation, if it happens to you? (Strong attraction is often based on transference and /or biological factors, not necessarily quality assessment.)
  

我建议您 与其他夫妇交流 about their experiences, what problems do they face and how (and if) they solve them. A good approach is to make a deal that you will follow for about a year, and after one year to make a “revision” – discuss what do you do well, what does not work and what attitudes might have changed in the meantime.

在这种讨论中，最大的错误之一就是认为自己的观点是唯一正确的。也许你的观点是正确的，但其他人可能有完全不同的感受、信仰、体质等等。重要的是你们的沟通方式。即使你们意见相左，你们双方是否都表现出了同情、理解和尊重？ 您是否至少能部分适应对方的需求?

If your partner doesn’t show much interest in your feelings, if (s)he communicates like an irresponsible adolescent, 你可以预期这个问题会继续存在并加剧 in the later stages of the relationship. You need to decide whether you can accept such shortcomings and live with them, even if they eventually get worse, or not. If your partner’s behavior doesn’t feel acceptable to you, it’s a good idea to check why do you stay in such relationship. Are you bonded by 孤独恐惧, by the hope that your partner will “magically” change (or that you will be able to 节省 him/her), or do you feel that you have to be with this person, but don’t know why? Check also our article 爱情关系中的模式

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