爱情关系中的模式

潜意识与爱

你喜欢爱你的另一半吗？看似矛盾的是，对许多人来说，爱是痛苦而非幸福的源泉。在成年人的关系中，没有任何一种关系是 我们童年时期的需求、印记和信念的深度和强度 变得如此明显，如此强烈，如此顽固，如此压倒一切，如此抵制意志力和理性观点。

这是因为我们知道，我们所谓的爱的感觉，很大一部分不过是最深刻、最早期的记忆的浮现，而这些记忆正是未解决的内心冲突的基础。我们在生活中不断 寻求解决这些冲突即使是无意识的。

也许你会认识到，你会被某些特定类型的个性和行为所吸引，哪怕他们是有问题的。也许在你一生中的不同伴侣中，外在环境和行为不会明显相似，但你可以认识到 在你的内心感受和关系发展中重复出现的模式.爱情关系是我们有毒模式的关键触发器，也是治愈的最重要机会。

不健康的恋爱诱因

在我们称之为爱（或者更准确地说，是迷恋）的体验中，我们对他人的健康享受和欣赏掺杂着移情和羁绊。通常有 三种常见的不健康债券.

第一 是我们的 童年的潜意识希望和需求, which can make us prone to idealize the other person, just as we idealized our parents when we were small children, hoping for happy, warm relationships which would give us security, protection and a sense of self-worth. Remember the feelings of hope and elation in the first stages of infatuation; the irrational feeling that you’ve finally found the person who can fulfill your deepest needs and make you feel accepted, loved and valuable. If you explore what details in the appearance and behavior of the other triggered that flood of emotions, you might be able to recognize a pattern and perhaps connect it to memories from your earliest years.

第二种结合方式 是通过 努力治愈我们对自己有毒的、痛苦的信念而 在类似情况下努力赢得爱情 这些信念就是在这样的环境中产生的。不知不觉中，我们被父母在早期家庭中营造的类似氛围所吸引，而这种氛围的后果在我们的潜意识中从未得到彻底解决。我们心中的孩子希望解决过去的困惑和内心冲突，寻找一个可以替代父母的人。

同样，在最初的岁月里，我们会根据环境的反应来判断自己，就像一个 孩子对父母的每一个信号都很敏感在迷恋初期，有时甚至是迷恋后期，我们常常会有这样的感觉，试图理解什么是可以接受的、什么是可以期待的，适应甚至是痛苦而混乱的期待。

You can see many people who are otherwise smart, confident and able to recognize unhealthy and unbalanced behavior, suddenly becoming aware of every their word or move, anxiously trying to anticipate feelings and expectations of a single other person, starting to feel like their human worth, fulfillment and future happiness depend of a person who they don’t even know well enough.

Remember the feelings of irrational confusion, pain and reviewing your behavior because of some tiny little detail your beloved said or did, and you will have the idea about how you felt as a child in relation to your parents. I’m not saying that children feel like that all the time – 有些孩子天生就比较敏感 than others, too – but keep in mind that there is a source of all of your emotions, and the source of many emotions that don’t seem to make sense is in our earliest years of life.

多次 we can’t recognize or remember how sensitive we were as children to our parents’ behavior, how dependent of them, how much we needed their love, approval and acceptance. These feelings are normally long forgotten, because they happened in an age in which individual identity, conscious memory and awareness, not to mention rational thinking, were not yet developed.

The more we grow up, the more realistic our perception of world (hopefully) is, so it’s more difficult to be overwhelmed with exaggerated hopes and expectations in adulthood than, for example, in adolescence. Still, in the right circumstances, if the right triggers come together in one person, the child parts of us wake up quickly and even mature people can find themselves overwhelmed with long forgotten emotions.

第三种债券 正在 attracted to behavior and emotional atmosphere that we learned to accept as normal and even „loving“ in our early family, even if painful. The most obvious example are abusive relationships. People who repeatedly enter abusive relationships, often say that they perceive healthy people and relationships as not passionate, not loving enough, even boring. It comes down to what we feel „at home“ with.

我们的意识是如何被欺骗的

Some children, depending of their constitution and temper, within a particular type of family – often surrounded with exceptional and uninhibited violence and injustice, but still having some other people around who are models of healthy and loving behavior – might be able to recognize in quite an early age that violent behavior is not some strange way to love, or anything that can be justified with the child’s doing. Such people might start their search for a partner with a strong decision to find a person healthier and more mature than the parent(s), and they can be successful to some extent. Still, 最早形成的模式在孩子能够形成这种观点之前，或者甚至在感受到与父母分离的身份之前，这种观点仍然存在，尽管可能会以非常微妙的方式表现出来。

Cherry 就是一个例子，她在一个相当不健康的家庭中长大，但她毅然决然地选择了一个不同于她那咄咄逼人、善于操纵、心胸狭窄的父亲的伴侣。她选择了一个看起来平静、温柔、有责任感、体贴的男人。但随着结婚多年，夫妻关系逐渐步入正轨后，她越来越明显地感觉到，丈夫温柔敏感的外表下，隐藏着童年时深深的内疚和羞愧等被压抑的情绪。

因为这些感受，她的丈夫慢慢变得越来越情感退缩，无法享受亲密关系或清晰的沟通，在冲突或误解的情况下表现出被动的攻击性。因此，即使 Cherry 能够意识到并避免公开的虐待关系，她最终也不得不承认，她被一种反映了她童年时期感受的关系所吸引，尽管这种感受很微妙：她的孤独、被低估和不被接受的感觉、缺乏亲密感和温暖。

Just like Cherry, many people have told us that they couldn’t recognize the similarities of their partners to their parents, not just in the beginning of the relationship, but during the first few years either. 有些人可以长期控制和抑制自己的不健康模式… as long as it takes for a relationship to enter routine, daily stress, careless communication and taking one another for granted. But once those patterns emerge, we can, almost without exception, recognize the types of behavior which hurt us in childhood.

“My parents spoiled me and gave me everything I wanted. I can’t possibly see how my (painful and abusive) partnership could have anything to do with them. (…) I remember saying to my partner, “只有你和我父亲曾经如此伤害过我！“
(引自客户）

似乎我们每个人的潜意识中都对以下事物有着深刻的敏感性 微妙的、几乎看不见的信号，引发熟悉感 and intimacy … even if all the outer, more visible signals indicate the opposite. This is probably the cause of the fact that, out of many people we meet, only rarely will somebody trigger an intense feeling of infatuation.

It’s only rarely that there is a 组合 of potential partner’s qualities that we consciously desire and appreciate, behavior which triggers the hope that our deepest longings can be fulfilled, joined with tiny and almost invisible signals that some patterns complementary to ours can trigger the unpleasant memories to come out. That is the combination which triggers the most powerful infatuation and obsession with the other person.

环境如何塑造我们

我们创造情感模式和信念的三种基本方式会影响我们的人际关系：

1) 父母的亲身经历父母对待我们的方式是爱和健康的赞赏，还是控制、羞辱和咄咄逼人的方式？ 天经地义 to us, and we’ll probably start to 联想到爱. As small children, we’ll also create an impression that it is what we deserve. If a parent acts like a victim, needy or dependent (e.g. addictions), we might develop a deep urge to help him and thus deserve love. In that case, even as adults, we’ll still be attracted to people who seem to need help and sympathy. A big part of our intimate relationships might be described as subliminal 求爱 in circumstances similar as when we needed it most – in early childhood.

2. modelling and identifying with parents’ behavior 和生活方式。孩子们通过认同父母来学习，继承他们的性别角色、行为、信仰和偏见。这一切在我们的亲密关系中表现得尤为明显。

3.父母之间的关系.父母 相待 and communicate to each other, words and idioms they use, the way they share (or don’t share) work and responsibilities… the younger we are, the more likely it is that we’ll accept it as normal. In our own misunderstandings and conflicts with our partners, it’s easy to automatically repeat our parents’ behavior and so create an atmosphere similar as in our early family. We might be so convinced such behavior is normal, that we might not even try to question or analyze our behavior.

常见的 补充模式示例 is an emotionally closed, cold man and emotionally hungry, demanding woman. This is partly based on gender differences, but unhealthy family patterns are of crucial importance. Most commonly, such a closed man grew up with a pushy or needy mother, whether she was controlling him or playing victim. He developed coldness and withdrawal as a defense, often following a role model of an emotionally distant father. Sometimes both parents might be needy, or the roles might be reversed. The female partner in this case most likely experienced growing up with a cold parent(s) who ignored her, often but not always father. Trying to get close to him and win his attention, she learned to use different approaches: trying to please him, crying, anger or complaints, sometimes manipulation and playing victim – 什么最有效，她就做什么，或者她从母亲那里观察到什么，她就做什么例如

孤僻、疏远的伴侣会引发与父亲有关的记忆和情绪 在这样的女人身上：被遗弃、被忽视、觉得不值得。这样，她就会自动 尝试利用她的幼稚反应, first in a mild, then more intense way. Her partner’s own memories are then instantly triggered: a feeling that his boundaries are threatened, that he’s being used and manipulated and has nowhere to hide… except within. Add to that low quality communication by both partners, also learned in their families… and a vicious circle is started, that creates more and more stress, disappointment, anger and resentment. In the same time, such partners hope that the other will change, and feel childish feelings of being trapped, as well as fear of abandoning all hope for love if the relationship is ended.

不幸的是 大多数夫妻都是在彼此的信任遭到严重破坏后才开始寻求帮助的 and motivation almost exhausted. Then even tiny details in the partner’s behavior remind the other partner of all the past frustration and resentment. To start again, to practice noticing and correcting unhealthy emotions and communication together, might be extremely difficult if partners don’t have patience left to allow each other to occasionally repeat old mistakes, while learning to communicate in new, unfamiliar ways.

一些 其他例子 基于幼稚情感的亲情：

1. A woman attracted to a domineering, controlling man, who she perceives as strong, decisive and confident, just as she perceived her father who acted in a similar manner. Like she did as a child, she starts to hope that she will win and “earn” his attention and approval, becoming 以这种希望为纽带. The man maybe had a mother who was childish or weak, and learned to perceive all women as such, probably following his father’s model. In the same time, he might feel deep attraction based on unconscious hope that the important woman will finally change, take responsibility and start giving him the kind of love and approval he really wanted.

2.   一个女人喜欢 多变，变幻莫测 men who act gentle and warm in one moment, only to change into aggressive and arrogant in the next. Their unpleasant behavior reminds her of her childish feeling of not being worthy, but then she longs even more for the comfort and support she feels in the moments of the man’s pleasant and warm behavior. The man is likely to carry a deep 内心冲突 他的人格和防御机制的不同部分之间的冲突。例如，他健康、温暖的情感与对父母的愤怒和怨恨之间的冲突，或者他不得不在父亲面前扮演一种角色，在母亲面前扮演另一种角色。这种冲突无法通过合理化、意志力或外部关系来解决。

3.  一个充满 内疚和自责, who enters a relationship or even marriage mostly to avoid hurting the woman. Of course, such decisions make him feel even more bonded by guilt and suppressed resentment, instead of by love. He might hope for resolution and forgiveness. He might fall in love with another woman, who will trigger his hopes of love and bliss, but will feel too guilty to leave the current partner. His partner might be controlling and manipulative, out of early childish conclusion that she can’t earn or be given love, but has to control people to receive at least some kind of attention.

每个曾经坠入爱河的人，都有机会体验到儿时的情感有多么深沉和难以承受，有多么逃避一切理性的争论和决定。如果你现在正处于这样一段关系中，你有一个绝佳的机会来 认识到自己小时候的感受 以及你的内心还承载着什么。这也是一个改变这些感受的机会，主要是通过治愈你内心的孩子、行使自爱和学习高质量的沟通。 Under condition that you’re not abused因此，最好不要只通过理性的决定来强迫自己结束这段关系。

If you end the relationship without resolving your emotional patterns first, it’s highly likely that you will 在未来的关系中重复类似的模式.相反，专注于处理自己的情绪和内心的孩子，直到你感觉到对不健康伴侣关系的吸引力在减少，这样你就可以在没有强烈情绪和内心冲突的情况下结束这段关系。或许你会发现，你的行为越健康、越成熟，你的伴侣也会发生类似的变化。

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