Most people enter marriage full of ideals of mutual love and respect “until death do us part” and happy, smart and cooperative children. Life, however, is not quite so tidy and organized, so it often faces us with challenges, as if saying, “Really? Well, let’s see how you cope with 此?”
Almost everybody who is in a long-term relationship or marriage, sooner or later feels tempted to end that relationship and perhaps start a new one. This is a situation that often causes political arguments. On one hand, people who feel a stable, long-term relationship as an important life value, might perceive their own (and others’) youthful decision in an overly absolute way, and judge themselves or others if they don’t stick to a badly informed decision to the end of their lives.
Religious people in particular can find themselves in a deep conflict between their values that require preservation of marriage, and the conclusion that they are married to an incompatible person, that they are not happy and they are not likely to ever be happy. Personally, I think it’s almost insane to expect young, inexperienced people, strongly influenced by hormones, popular culture and romantic dreams (not to mention 移情)，做出他们可以坚持到生命终结的选择。在生活的其他各个领域，通情达理的成年人都希望年轻人犯错误并从中吸取教训； 错误是最快、最有效的学习方法.然而，人们往往期望年轻人从一开始就正确地选择他们生命中最重要的人，或者永远坚持一个不知情的、不那么深思熟虑的决定。
On the other hand, it’s fairly common that people end potentially great relationships and marriages because they are not ready to invest effort in them, or they expect the other person to make them happy without giving much in return. Besides, children are often involved, as well as the question of financial security (which is less important from an ethical perspective, but might be greatly relevant from the practical point of view).
至于兼容性，从理论上讲，如果双方都表现出宽容、尊重、责任感和健康的沟通，大多数人是可以兼容的。但在现实生活中，无论人们如何强烈地表达自己的爱意，他们都很少会放弃自己的行为模式、不成熟的反应，甚至是简单的习惯。 要培养伙伴关系技能，光有爱显然是不够的.再加上不切实际的期望、孩子气的情绪和生物特性（这本身就是一个非常复杂的影响因素），我们就会遇到很少有人能熟练驾驭的混乱局面。
Well-informed readers might say: why even defend the concept of marriage? Marriage was historically founded as an economic contract that controls people so that a family can increase material wealth and control who inherits it. Still, a stable family makes raising children easier, and many people do want to create a long-term relationship in which understanding, trust and respect would grow with time, rather than superficial short-term ones. When I talk about marriage, I have in mind such a quality long-term relationship, regardless if it’s “legalized” or not.
本文的目的不是要得出某种最终结论，因为 I don’t believe in simplifying life and forcing everyone into a same box. Yet I think it’s important to approach this question from different points of view, so that some people might be helped in their decision making – or, even better, in preventing disappointments.
“Love is a decision, not an emotion”
Love is a particularly abstract word. It can include a variety of feelings, some superficial and based on hormones and projections, some based on one’s relationship with parents, and some deeper and more realistic. The concept if love is often twisted and manipulated in many ways. Most types of love include some kind of need or yearning, a pleasant expectation of receiving something that was missing in our lives. Such love usually dissipates with time.
所有的困惑和失望让一些人对爱情采取了一种哲学的态度，这种态度的基础是：爱情是 一种有意识的选择，体现在日常的努力和行为中.这种哲学有时包括这样的观点，即我们应该和一个人在一起，无论会遇到什么诱惑和环境，即使在我们不快乐和沮丧的时候，也要把我们的生命奉献给这段关系。这种观点认为 任何关系中都可能出现不愉快和挫折如果我们和一个人在一起，我们至少有机会不断加深和改善这种关系，找到新的学习和信任的层次；积极创造幸福，而不是在我们周围的世界中寻找幸福。
This is all beautiful and true – in some circumstances and for some people. Usually in ideal circumstances, when both people are at least moderately compatible, considerate and well-meaning. If a relationship is basically good, people can suppress and reject superficial desires and urges in favor of more important values their primary relationship fulfills. But what if such a choice demands suppression of deep, essential needs and values? What if all that effort and investment results in disappointment over and over again? With time, this will result in either depression, or bitterness, occasional explosions, or physical disease. Sometimes accumulated frustration can be expressed in indirect ways, for example towards children.
Love could be described as a feeling of fulfillment, happiness, integrity, or perhaps as a desire for the other person to be happy. The latter is actually one of the better definitions, but countless testimonies I’ve heard show that 你不可能让另一个人快乐和健康, if they don’t take that responsibility in their own hands, and especially if you do it at the expense of your own integrity and values. That would mean taking a parental role towards your partner, which damages not just the giver, but the receiver too. You cannot learn people’s lessons instead of them.
如果爱一个人如此容易，只是因为我们选择了这样做，那么从理论上讲，我们应该能够与大多数随机选择的路人相处愉快。即使我们忽略生物学、荷尔蒙和幼年印象（反正我们大多数时候都在与这些影响作斗争），仍然存在以下问题 兼容性智力、情感、欲望、需要和价值观的兼容性（见："智力、情感、欲望、需要和价值观的兼容性"）： 价值观与个人特质).即使是微小的不相容和失望，也会在多年的时间里不断积累和酝酿；对于严重的不相容，我们怎能不有所期待呢？
甚至 生物不兼容性 can be detrimental to a relationship: some people might be anxious and sensitive to stress while others seek excitement and risk; some people might be very physical while others live in their minds, some people can be emotionally sensitive and very empathetic, while others can lack either or both. Deep understanding and companionship is very difficult to achieve in such circumstances. And we didn’t even start on all the emotional and behavioral patterns people learn in childhood.
诚然，情绪易变且短暂，受生物学和童年记忆的影响（童年记忆比大多数人意识到的要强大得多）。 我们能选择自己的情绪吗？ Considering that emotions are created in the subconscious mind, I’d say that you don’t choose what you feel; what you can choose is how you will respond 你的情绪，以及你将如何对待它们。我的建议是寻求平衡，而不是走极端；探索你内心的每一个声音在说什么，为什么，哪一个值得跟随；你想要的是长远的，而不仅仅是暂时的。
Reality is rarely so poetic and inspired as idealism, but in the end few people manage to escape it. It’s rare that people give up on such a long-term effort such as marriage for no good reason. In the background of divorce there are usually years of suffering and sacrifice that an external observer wouldn’t notice.
我在本节开头描述的美好理念假定双方都成熟、负责和努力。现实往往与此不同，许多人并不成熟，不愿意合作和改变。 我们的选择和努力并不会自动加深彼此的关系，但当伴侣欣赏我们的选择和努力，并以同样的方式做出回应时，我们的成就感就会油然而生。 如果一段关系没有深化和发展，我们还能称之为爱吗？如果一个人在付出了多年的爱和责任之后，仍然感到被忽视、被否定、被利用或被虐待，那么为了理论而否定他们的幸福，这公平吗？
Besides, why would stability be more important than compatibility? Why would a relationship have to be “poisoned” with the idea that perhaps it won’t last? Why should we have to bond someone to us till the end of our lives? There are relationships that can grow till the end of the couple’s lives, and there are those who cannot last that long, but can be deep and fulfilling for some time. Why not end them with love and respect while we still can? 人际关系的好坏并不一定以持续时间的长短来衡量。 人是不同的，生活也是复杂的。
We shouldn’t ignore our biological and psychological makeup, either. More than anything, as I wrote in the article “如何保持激情“, 我们的大脑会停止重视任何我们认为稳定和可预期的事物, to make place for learning new things and accessing our environment for potential danger. And what is marriage than a promise that a relationship will be stable and expected, under control? Even the best among us cannot avoid the fact that our brains simply file the expected into “low priority”, even if it’s a human being important to us. That’s simply our biology that helped us survive, no matter how much it goes against our relationship ideals.
Therefore, wouldn’t it be more stimulating for our long term relationships if we had a culture that taught us nobody really belongs to another and nobody owes emotions to another? That respecting someone’s freedom (and our own) is more important than trying to bind them? That 在挑战中成长比安全更重要?
The fact is – again because of our biological heritage that urges us to conserve energy – 稳定和幸福很少能激励人们成长. Most commonly, it’s crises and problems that motivate people to grow – and which way they will grow, depends of their willingness to learn. You can read more about this in the article “将情感痛苦转化为激情和灵感“. Why not then prevent crises by willingly allowing more challenge and unattachment in our relationships? 矛盾的是，这可能会使它们变得更加强大。
To go back to integrity and important life values: if our essential values and needs are not fulfilled within a relationship, what can claim more importance? For some people, religious values can have priority over personal values. This is OK if you so choose, but it doesn’t mean that different values are less respectable. Some people choose their values not on the basis of religion, but years of experience, thought, exploration and observing consequences.
追求个人幸福可以吗？
Here’s an interesting quote:
“Marriage isn’t for you. You don’t marry to make yourself happy, you marry to make someone else happy. More than that, your marriage isn’t for yourself, you’re marrying for a family. Not just for the in-laws and all of that nonsense, but for your future children. Who do you want to help you raise them? Who do you want to influence them? Marriage isn’t for you. It’s not about you. Marriage is about the person you married.” (塞思-亚当-史密斯)
这听起来很美，近乎神圣。然而，这是一个被推向极端的美好想法，而极端从来都不是健康的，无论它们听起来多么美好。许多简化的想法在面对现实时都会分崩离析，历史上的共产主义和基督教（仅举这两个例子）就很好地证明了这一点。
Did you ever try denying your feelings, needs and happiness not only for days or weeks, but years and years? You might have felt how stressful, energy-sapping, life-denying that feels. Whoever believes that people “should” be happy sacrificing for others and ignoring lack of fulfillment and lack of balance obviously never even came close to experiencing it (or is very skillful in lying to themselves).
This quote still suggests that in some way you’d be able to experience meaning, fulfillment and some sort of pleasure, even if only in fulfilling your own ideals. But what if the other person is not really a good partner for you? What if, in spite of your efforts and sacrifice, things are getting worse and worse? What if, with time, you and your partner have simply developed in different directions? We’ve seen plenty times in history how oversimplified, unrealistic attempts to achieve perfection turn into rigid hypocrisy and suffering.
There are plenty of people who perceive others’ efforts and idealism as a weakness to be exploited, as in business, so in relationships. There are even more people who are simply not a good match to you, whether emotionally, intellectually, or at the level of life values. How long can you tolerate it? What’s the point of life without joy? How long can you suppress your emotions, without them bursting out in other ways: through manipulation, passive aggression, depression or disease?
还有 您想给孩子树立什么样的榜样？ 你希望他们以类似的方式生活吗？在历史上，不惜一切代价维护婚姻是使社会更加稳定以确保生存的一种方式，但现在我们的生存已不再受到威胁（至少不是以传统的方式）。当生存传统变成过于简单化的教条时，就会造成虚伪、微妙或不那么微妙的暴力和不快乐的孩子。(下面我将重点谈谈对儿童的影响）。
我必须为人类对幸福的渴望辩护，这似乎很奇怪；我们作为人类，难道会忽视我们天性中如此基本的一部分吗？尽管如此，在整个历史中，人们还是为了群体的生存而不去追求幸福，仍然有很多人喜欢极端的、过于简单化的信仰和理想，而不是复杂和平衡。
爱还是责任？
So, in a case where happiness in a relationship is not achievable, is the purpose of marriage happiness (love), or duty? I guess everybody chooses for themselves; what I don’t like is judging other people according to rigid beliefs, if we didn’t experience how it feels to be them. Life is already hard enough; to be a good parent, employer/employee and similar we already need to sacrifice a lot; do we have to judge people who don’t want to give up every chance for happiness?
在这方面，我们社会的关键错误也许是 以爱情和婚姻幸福的理想来培养孩子和年轻人，却在日后因责任理想而促使他们保持婚姻关系.如果人们因为牺牲和坚持的理想而保持婚姻，即使不幸福，我们真的能称之为爱吗？责任这个词更合适。
那么，如果婚姻的目的是责任（对某些群体和个人来说确实如此），那么 应从一开始就教导孩子，婚姻是以责任而非爱情为目的订立的社会契约. Then young people could be aware of what choice are they making and decide if that’s what they want, and if yes, when. But if this was common, much less people would decide to get married, which would endanger tradition and tribal instincts which still guide many if not most people. That’s why 大众操纵 被社会接受，甚至受到珍视。
Healthy and responsible parents can raise happy and secure children even if they don’t live together. We could discuss what has worse consequences for children: divorce or living with parents who are unhappy, perhaps fighting, ignoring or humiliating each other all the time? In both cases, children face pain, that’s inevitable (and perhaps even better for them than being overly protected from challenges (see: 儿童需要挑战). Quite a few clients have told me they used to wish their parents would divorce rather than stay together “for the sake of children” and fight or ignore each other. If parents can be supportive and guide children through the short-term pain, they will do them a much bigger favor than through pretense and sacrificing their own happiness (which can also cause children to live with the burden of guilt).
独立
Many relationships become unhealthy because people expect to receive happiness and fulfillment from the other person, rather than taking responsibility for creating it themselves. That leads to mutual dependence – symbiosis – and often to manipulation, too.
婚姻中的责任感往往源于对方在情感或经济上依赖于我们的印象。虽然在子女问题上这是正确的、 it’s not healthy for adult people.尽管如此，儿童和年轻人仍然经常被潜移默化地灌输这样的观念，例如，女性在经济上应该依赖男性。此外，社会对女性工作和女性智力的重视程度不及男性，以及社会对幼儿父母，尤其是单身母亲的支持不足，也加剧了这种观念。
此外，许多人直接或间接地受到教育，在感情上依赖于婚姻的稳定。这可能会导致出于责任而非幸福来维护婚姻的情况。下一步，有些人和社区会把责任放在首位，而忽略个人情感（这是理想主义导致失衡的一个例子）。这些人可能真的想实现支持他人、为家庭牺牲自己、重视稳定的家庭而非暂时的情感的理想。有时，这是更成熟、更合理的选择。但总是这样吗？
I’d say an ideal relationship is the one in which 两个人都对自己的幸福负责 and respect their partner as an independent individual who doesn’t owe them anything (because they both invest into the relationship equally), rather than perceiving the partner as some kind of personal property. Such a person would not feel good about trying to keep somebody around who would be happier somewhere else. “But you 承诺!…” is an attitude of a victim, not a strong adult. As for children, healthy and responsible adults are willing to take responsibility for their balanced upbringing, regardless whether they live together or not.
Generally, it’s important for every relationship that individuals preserve their emotional and material independence, that they communicate clearly, have firm boundaries and have their own interests outside the relationship. 没有什么能比责任感更能扼杀激情了即伴侣依赖你的感觉。很少有什么能比一个独立的伴侣更能增加激情了，他们会改变，会成长，会因为自己的选择而和你在一起，而不是因为他们觉得自己被束缚住了。你能成为这样的伴侣吗？你是否拥有自己创造的热情和活力，而不是在别人身上寻找？
稳定需求和变革需求的内在差异
有些人喜欢强烈的刺激，容易厌倦，需要肾上腺素。 This can show in their close relationships, too. Sometimes this can be learned in childhood, but it’s quite easily possible that such traits are the consequence of human 生物多样性.从进化论的角度看，人类需要一部分喜欢冒险、刺激和变化的人，这往往是对社会的一种贡献。从另一种贡献的角度看，人类也需要喜欢和平、稳定，甚至例行公事的人。
如果你是一个喜欢冒险和变化的人，但你又相信长期关系的理想，那么你就会感受到特别强烈的伦理和情感冲突，尤其是当你正与一个情感健康的优质伴侣交往时。你的价值观是这样的，但你的整个身体却朝着另一个方向拉扯。你能抵制这种情况很多年，甚至一辈子吗？
Ideally, you’d recognize your nature on time, while you are not yet committed to a stable relationship. Then you can be more honest to yourself and other people, too. Perhaps you’ll come to the conclusion that traditional forms of relationships are not for you. This is all right, if you can clearly, honestly and timely explain this to potential partners.
The worth of a relationship is not necessarily in its length. Some people can learn and create most through the depth of long-term relationships, and others through exploring and new experiences. We don’t all have to be similar. It’s important to come to terms with what you want and to be honest to others from the very beginning.
(Also, do not lead them on if they are not into the same kind of relationship as you are. A client told me a few weeks back, “Some men think that if they say, “I don’t want commitment”, it gives them license to act however they want”. If you don’t want commitment with someone who does, it’s only ethical to back off. End of story.)
还要考虑能否 用其他方式改变生活 instead of changing partners. Perhaps through entrepreneurship, traveling, active hobbies and other forms of new activities? If you find a partner who is also open to change and exploration, the relationship doesn’t have to become routine. It’s particularly important that a partner is emotionally independent – a needy partner who wants you to make them feel safe is not likely to remain stimulating and challenging. When you look for a partner, keep this in mind, as well as the need for honesty.
Perhaps in this case you and your partner can agree to not live together, perhaps see each other on weekends or simply live separately and spend time together whenever you both wish. If you don’t plan children, this would prevent the routine you find so intolerable. Again, this decision needs to be done with respect and consideration for both sides.
结论
I don’t believe in forcing people and relationships into rigid boxes. I believe in diversity, as long as it’s honest, well-meaning and considerate. When you have to make a 艰难抉择, it’s primarily important to be honest to both yourself and others, and to learn to distinguish healthy emotional urges from unhealthy and immature ones. Recognize also that few decisions are entirely without some unwanted consequences, so you need to be ready to deal with them.
Just because we might be in committed relationships, our hormones and childish emotional patterns won’t go to sleep. Worse, once a relationship feels safe and reliable, our hormones can make us seek new forms of excitement, while childish parts of our subconscious minds can easily wake up if a new person comes around who reminds us of our unfulfilled needs from childhood. Then intense emotions can easily bring us to idealize the new person and believe them a better match than the current partner, even if the partner is emotionally more mature and invests more effort into the relationship.
仔细考虑一下，你的情绪在多大程度上似乎是荷尔蒙和幼稚希望的结果, and how well do you realistically know your new crush. Do you take your current partner for granted and did you neglect your own efforts? It’s likely that you will repeat that in your next relationship, and next, which might end up in a string of disappointments. On the other hand, it is possible that you have matured, and the new person might realistically be a better match to your essential values and healthy criteria. But be honest to yourself and listen to any warning signal you might feel.
If your committed partnership is in crisis, first consider if you put enough effort in it, or do you expect to be comfortable without work? Do you give love to your partner in the ways they want to receive it, or do you insist on doing it only in the ways you like? Is your communication honest and does it reach deeper than surface, or do you avoid opening up so that you’d appear stronger and in the right?
If frustration and disappointments in a relationship are superficial and short-term, while mutual respect and efforts are there, then it’s definitely a good idea to stay in the relationship and focus on improving it further. But if your whole body keeps telling you that you betray your values by staying in a relationship, then pay attention. There is time to invest into a relationship, and there is time to acknowledge your boundaries.
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