当伴侣成为父母的替代品时会发生什么？

试图改变伴侣

When I work with couples (and individuals, too), in their bitter criticisms of their partners I can often guess what a person wanted to say to their parents, but for whatever reasons couldn’t or didn’t dare. (Sometimes I can literally see their eyes lose focus, as if they don’t really see the person in front of them anymore.) With at least 95% of people I work with, the 联系 他们成年后的亲密伴侣关系与童年时期的条件反射之间的关系很快就变得非常明显。其中一种模式是 希望伴侣会改变，而问题父母却从未改变过.有时，这种情况在恋爱初期就已经很明显，但更常见的是在几个月甚至几年后才显现出来。

这种希望会让一些人长期处于低质量的关系中，自我牺牲，痛苦不堪。还有一些人可能会不停地指责、惩罚、贬低甚至虐待他们的伴侣，试图让他们改变。一个人会选择哪种方式，主要取决于 他们在早期家庭中学到的生存策略，以及父母的榜样通常是同性别的父母，但并非总是如此。认为伴侣与父母相似往往会导致 不怀好意 (projection of resentment against parents), which is often a “killer” of intimacy. This easily happens even when the partner’s faults are small and unconscious, such as forgetting things, not answering a text message quickly enough, different level of tolerance to mess and similar).

When something in a partner’s behavior triggers childhood memories (“age regression”), few people are able to recognize what happened, even when they are theoretically aware of such a possibility. The most obvious signal of childish emotions being triggered is 反应异常强烈. So if you feel intense anger, followed by mental accusations of your partner, I suggest you consider if such a reaction might be at least partly related to something in your past (even if the partner’s present behavior might be realistically irritating, adult irritation would usually still be milder).

Since unresolved emotions related to parents are usually based on some form of belief of one’s own inadequacy, rejection-related trauma, not being loved and similar, trying to change a partner is basically 努力争取最终获得我们内心深处某些孩子所渴望的认可、肯定和赞赏. Such a hope is an intense motivation, which keeps many people bonded to incompatible or unhealthy relationships. Yet even is such a hope is fulfilled, external experiences usually don’t reach the subconscious mind (“inner child”), emotions from the past are left unresolved and can erupt again at any new provocation.

期望过高

If a person didn’t have a chance as a child to learn to value balanced responsibility, or to be self-reliant, they can 认为亲密伴侣关系是放弃自己某些责任的机会.这可能是对自己情绪的责任，也可能是对实际琐事的责任。有时，这种人可以把伴侣视为自己需要的源泉，但迟早伴侣会觉得自己沦为仆人。

If an emotional bond is based on childish emotions, one can perceive it as natural that a partner should be perfect, understanding, love and give unconditionally – which is actually 正常.当伴侣原来有自己的需求、期望和要求时，这样的人会感到受伤，甚至在某种程度上被背叛，他们会做出相应的反应。 伴侣越是成为父母的替代品，我们就越不能允许他们不完美，越不能允许他们有自己的身份。 后果很容易预料，很多人都是这样生活的。

忽视后的恐慌

如果我们观察一个小孩与父母，尤其是主要照顾者（通常是母亲）在一起的情况，就会发现只要一切正常、 孩子认为父母是理所当然的，只关注自己的愿望和需要. However, as soon as the relationship with mother is in serious danger – the mother is for whatever reason unavailable (i.e. illness, long working hours, emotional coldness, and for babies even mother being out of sight can be enough), a child usually starts to panic, crying, screaming, while slightly older children might try apologizing and promising they will be good from now on, whatever the cause for the mother’s absence might be. Yet as a safe routine is again established, the child usually forgets their panic and turns back to their own interests.

Emotionally immature adults often show a similar pattern of behavior: taking the partner for granted until the partner announces they had enough; after that panicking, apologies, promising the world, bringing stars from the sky and such ensues – but when the relationship is back to normal, they start to ignore their partner’s needs again (which often includes demeaning, abusing and cheating on them). In the stage of panic and regret, such a person can be genuine and very convincing, and keep pulling the partner in an 希望与失望交织.我们可以猜测，这样的伴侣会不断重温自己童年的记忆，与不负责任的父母一起，在希望与失望中交替前行。 不健康的纠缠通常是相互的.

The more responsible person in such a relationship usually has a vision of how nice the relationship could be with mutual respect, consideration and understanding. They believe their partner must be aware of it too, or at least it shouldn’t be so difficult to make them aware, and that the solution only requires some reasonable conversation and sharing perspectives. Yet, as people are emotional rather than rational beings, if the partner has a strong need to avoid responsibility, 不讲道理，不解释，也无济于事… just as nothing made a difference with an irresponsible parent (but the child kept hoping, because they couldn’t imagine to lose hope).

要让不负责任的伴侣改变，他们需要愿意 改变自己的一些基本生活价值观, which rarely happens in normal conditions. People usually need to experience significant suffering as a result of their life decisions, to truly understand that their old value systems damage rather than help them. Some people don’t change their values even if such a thing happens. Therefore my recommendation to the partner of such a person is to primarily focus on changing their own emotional conditioning which keeps them bonded to such a relationship, rather than hoping that their partner would change.

Why constructive communication sometimes doesn’t work?

While this type of pattern by itself is not related to gender, and specific family circumstances might change things greatly, traditional upbringing tends to give much more freedom to boys, often allowing them (and sometimes even encouraging them) to not show significant responsibility or consideration for others. On top of that, children often idealize the parent who has more freedom and spends more time away from the family (usually the father in traditional societies), while taking for granted or even resenting the parent who spends time with them, makes demands, gives criticisms and imposes limitations, therefore usually the mother (just as it’s otherwise a part of human nature to appreciate what is scarce and unavailable, while taking for granted what we already have).

如果母亲在实施管教时不够坚定和一致（这种情况并不少见），孩子就会逐渐学会无视母亲的要求和警告，直到母亲变得非常生气，并愿意将她的威胁变成现实。因为 与异性父母的关系往往反映在与爱情伴侣的关系中, such a child can grow into a person who in time falls into the habit of ignoring and not taking seriously their partner’s requests, needs and pleas, just as they were used to do with the mother … until the partner becomes seriously angry.

这种模式很容易 不知不觉因此，它不仅会出现在自私自利和攻击性强的人身上，也会出现在性格温暖、善意的人身上。这些人可能不是故意忽视温和友好的抱怨和请求，而只是因为这种习惯根深蒂固。

这可能会让他们的伴侣感到非常困惑，他们最终会 越来越多地诉诸非建设性的批评和指责, such as they probably heard from their own parents. This can trigger childhood memories and childish emotions (age regression) in the unconsciously neglectful person, who might react with defensive strategies: anger and blaming in return. (Their children can easily soak up such behavior through the process of learning through imitation.) It’s not surprising that so many promising relationships end up in mutual disappointment and blame.

失去激情

Romantic “chemistry” is greatly based on unconscious hope of resolving unfulfilled emotional needs from childhood, as well as on the childish idealization of the person who in our mind is a parent replacement. But once routine takes over and childhood needs are not resolved (not even the most perfect partner can heal someone’s childhood wounds, because external influences are simply not enough), the idealizing stops and childish hopes become dormant again, then the unpleasant sides of the transference start to show. 

除了将与父母关系中的不愉快情绪投射到我们的伴侣身上（如上所述）外，我们还经常会突然失去浪漫和性吸引力。如果某个人让我们想起了自己的父母，那么与这样的人发生性关系可能会让我们感到有些乱伦和不舒服。伴侣双方越是纠缠在相互触发的幼稚情感模式中，越是诉诸从父母那里学到的防御策略和沟通习惯，负移情就会变得越强烈，而浪漫的激情就会消退。 

In spite of all the conflicts, such partners can feel unhealthily bonded to each other, because leaving such a partner might unconsciously feel like losing a parent (and there might be other circumstances that might make separation difficult). Feeling that the situation is hopeless and there is no way out, some people give up on hope and give in to lifeless, robotic routine. Other people might seek relief in affairs and adventures. Looking from the outside, it can be obvious that healthier solutions are possible, but for such entangled people to recognize them, they should first be willing to look deep inside themselves – which many people are afraid of, or are not even aware it’s needed. 

憎恨异性

正如人们根据幼年时与父母相处的经历（这在各种宗教中都很容易辨认）形成了对至高无上的神灵的印象一样，我们对其他人的期望也是基于我们与父母相处的经历。大多数情况下，我们对女性的期望是基于与母亲相处的经历，而对男性的期望则是基于与父亲相处的经历。然而，对异性的负面偏见通常更为明显，因为大多数人不太可能对自己所属的群体一概而论。

我们在幼儿期学到的偏见和概括有时特别难以放弃，甚至难以认识到它们是夸大其词的，因为幼儿期是我们建立关于世界的基本印记和如何在这样的世界中生存的策略的人生阶段。 如果某种信念在无意识中被认为有助于生存，那么试图质疑和改变它就会引起生存恐惧 (往往也是无意识的）。
(Another type of fear that comes out when changing emotional habits from childhood, is fear os somehow “betraying” one’s own family or losing one’s place within the family. This is, for example, one of the reasons why people hold on to their religious beliefs in spite of all evidence. Resolving such fears is also a part of our method.)

All in all, if bad experiences with a parent create a negative perception of one’s partner’s gender, this will inevitably influence one’s romantic relationships. Then it’s very easy to perceive everything a partner (or anybody of their gender) does in the worst possible light and presume the worst intentions. Web-communities in which such opinions and “proofs” for them are exchanged keep growing and gaining influence. As a result, usually the people who least deserve or expect it – including children – suffer the most consequences.

It’s almost impossible to not have some prejudice, as our brains are instinctively prone to 把我们周围的世界过于简单化, but many people manage to keep their prejudice under control and don’t let them influence their behavior. (I want to mention here that some people come to me because they are worried they are bad people because of occasional mean and violent thoughts. Such thoughts alone don’t make you a bad person; they are a normal part of human experience. What matters is what you decide to do about them – and this can also be changed.) However, people who often feel a need to express their hatred for the opposite gender, are usually those whose 隐忧 is so intense that they feel they can only find some personal worth and power in belonging to their own gender – i.e. something that is not the result of their own efforts and abilities. People who carry such a feeling of inadequacy can easily be tempted to compensate for it by abusing others, and the partner is usually the easiest victim. This is not likely to be changed by and kind of logical reasoning or persuasion, if such a person doesn’t have internal motivation to change.

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