如何保持激情

当我们的爱得到回报时，我们所感受到的狂喜在很大程度上取决于 感觉到我们被完全接受、认可，可以自由地做自己. This is what, as children, we needed most from our parents, but rarely received, whether due to parents’ lack of communication skills, lack of time, normal adult – child conflicts, or other circumstances. The longing for that absolute, unconditional acceptance 由家长 后来成为 我们在浪漫爱情中感受到的渴望的核心.我们希望尽可能多地获得这种感觉，并将其延续下去。 

在一段新恋情刚刚开始的时候，这种被爱和被认可的感觉会把其他一切都挤到脑后。但随着时间的推移，随着误解、冲突和不和谐因素的积累，我们渴望的这种感觉 慢慢消散.如果合作伙伴缺乏同情心和沟通技巧，这个过程会更快。在 虐待关系在这种情况下，不可预知性和幼稚的希望会让激情持续一段时间，但这是不健康的激情，会留下许多伤疤，需要付出高昂的代价。希望你没有陷入这种关系。

但是，即使有良好的愿望，大多数处于恋爱关系中的人最终还是会发现自己没有得到足够的重视和真正的理解。他们可能会开始梦想一段新的关系，以满足最初的渴望；他们可能会把注意力放在孩子身上，以替代他们所需要的爱（这也是不健康的，如果需要爱的是父母的话）；他们也可能会失去希望，甘于平淡的婚姻。他们可能会怨恨伴侣没有无条件地接纳自己，没有认识到以下事实 伴侣不是父母, and they have the right to some expectations, needs and conditions. Yet, it’s a good idea to give your partner as much understanding and acceptance as you can, as long as it doesn’t mean neglecting your own needs and boundaries. 

经过几年的相处，大多数夫妻开始 想当然 不做小事 这有助于他们的伴侣在恋爱初期感到被欣赏和认可。如何尽可能避免这一切？(我在这里的建议是假定你们双方都是负责任、无私和有良好愿望的人，否则至少有一方是在浪费时间）。

首先，要注意尽可能以最初的方式去思考你的伴侣： 注意你喜欢的特质，同情他们的缺点 which do not burden or threaten you. If you feel some parts of the partner’s behavior upsetting, consider if those are irrelevant details that just remind you of your earlier unpleasant experiences, or is it true irresponsibility and neglect.

想想如何向伴侣展示 认可和深入了解. Listen carefully to what they say and perhaps for the things they don’t quite say. Imagine how they feel and what they long to hear. Communicate from your heart rather than from your old, automated habits. Show interest and ask relevant questions. Be sure to show you appreciate your partner’s efforts and express your feelings verbally and non-verbally. Also, take care to be genuine when doing these things; doing them as a chore would feel more manipulative than anything. 

保持个性和自由

Now, some people claim that if you are “too good” to your partner, (s)he will not appreciate you and will go on looking for some “jerk” or “bitch”. This can happen in two cases: 

• 要么是你选择了不成熟的人谈恋爱（这可能是基于你自己的原因），要么是你选择了不成熟的人谈恋爱（这可能是基于你自己的原因）。 童年经历)，或
• you don’t take care to 维护自己的个性、身份、自尊和界限 in a relationship. A strong, independent person with their own goals in life is an attractive person. Don’t try to be like Siamese twins with your partner. Passion is built on respect and admiration too; codependency and trying to please too hard indicate lack of self-esteem and are not attractive. 

It’s in human nature to not appreciate what is predictable and safe.你可能有过这样的经历：想要一件东西很久，但在得到它几天或几周后，它就失去了很多吸引力。对我们人类来说，如果某样东西的可得性降低，我们就会更珍惜它。 一些不可预测性、不安全感和分离的时间使我们无法将彼此视为理所当然 and reminds us of the importance of the relationship.  I don’t condone playing manipulative games, but true, authentic independence and a wide scope in life. 

• It can feel counter-intuitive, but it’s real – some freedom and possibility of choice makes a relationship more stable and intense, not less. It motivates people to keep investing in it. Children of such a couple can therefore receive more real safety, as well as better role models. 

That’s why I generally wouldn’t recommend marriage. While I believe in and live the quality of a long-term monogamous relationship, when I was still a child of 10 or so I decided I wouldn’t ever get married, as I’ve already seen how easy it is for married people to take each other for granted. Years of experience working with people and their relationships only confirmed that conclusion. 婚姻本质上是一种控制承诺: control over life, control over emotions, control over choice. What we feel is under control, we can easily label as “low priority” in our minds.  

• I’m not saying it’s wise to change partners and not take relationships seriously – that would be shallow and you’d lose the chance of experiencing the deep connection and understanding most people long for. But you can preserve your individuality and sense of freedom even in a stable relationship. For example, continue to practice your hobbies independently, go out with your friends, keep challenging yourself and trying new things. Occasional periods of separation such as separate holidays usually remind us to appreciate each other. Being able to say no, to keep your dignity in a conflict, to negotiate in healthy ways, make your decisions and keep them, are the signs of a strong character. On the other hand, nagging, accusation, yelling and insults are expression of feeling helpless, feeling you depend of the other person to change so that you can feel good.  

  I know that this kind of relationship is not so easy to create, either because of social pressure, or financial obstacles. But at least do your best in that direction, and it will mean a lot. Start to save for your financial independence as soon as starting your adult life if you can, so that you’s never feel dependent of someone else. 

   

保持荷尔蒙分泌旺盛

Besides out of respect and delight with a partner’s qualities, the passion in a relationship stems from 性吸引力.这种吸引力往往会失去 孩子出生后: the woman will then usually focus on children, and even if she tries to be attentive to her partner too, she will often be too tired and lack focus to succeed. In the first few years of a child’s life, you might need to accept the fact that you don’t have too much time for each other anymore. But as soon as the child becomes more independent, it’s important for parents to start putting effort in their relationship again. Keeping the sexual attraction alive, often means encouraging the man to feel masculine, and the woman to feel feminine, in the same time avoiding rigid and burdensome prejudice.

大多数男性尤其感到 阳性 当她们能积极支持伴侣，让伴侣感到快乐，得到伴侣的感激，并感到被需要和被需要时。大多数女性觉得 女性化 当他们感到被理解、被支持，并能安全地放松和放手时。(由于显而易见的原因，这一原则并不适用于性别认同较为不稳定的人）。

Through millions of years of evolution, a woman was mostly focused on children and vulnerable in a dangerous environment, while the role of a man was to physically protect and help her. Many women in modern society feel that too much responsibility is on them: professional job, children, housework… – they can’t relax and don’t feel supported, so they stop feeling feminine. This creates a sense of 不满足和怨恨 有些妇女无法轻易向自己解释这一点。

This kind of resentment usually motivates traditional “nagging”. A woman who feels that she can’t relax and that the man’s support is lacking, might not be able to find words to explain it to him, so her tension and frustration might come out in 品头论足 in the man’s behavior. On the other side, men, in the civilization which enables them to be lazier than before and reduces the traditional ways of male support to women, can lose their sense of masculinity and become passive, or confused in front of women’s demands.

旧需求的新解决方案

I’m certainly not trying to say that we should return to traditional life-style and reduce the possibilities for women (and men) to explore the other aspects of their personalities besides motherhood (or traditional “manly” activities). We are not just biological reproduction machines, but much more complex than that. To focus on only one aspect of existence while neglecting the others, is never healthy. In the same way, 我们应该明智地利用我们的生物学，而不是成为它的奴隶.现代社会的一大优势是女性在身体和物质上的独立，这给了她们前所未有的选择和机会。放弃这种独立，逃避责任，不仅对女性不健康，也会影响到伴侣。

相反，我们需要创建 新行为模式, through which a man can feel that he has an important role in his woman’s life and can help her relax. As the modern way of life is more diverse and complex than ever before, it makes no sense to give detailed advice. The best thing is to… 与你的伴侣交谈.问问你的伴侣什么能让他/她感觉更男性化/更女性化，并解释什么样的行为能鼓励你们产生互补的感觉并引发浪漫。重要的是要避免刻板的要求，而要注重游戏性的探索。

Again – don’t get me wrong: I do not advocate rigid gender roles, which created so much suffering and humiliation in the past and often still do in the present. Even with all the negative aspects of modern society, we do have much more physical security, freedom of choice and opportunity to explore more subtle aspects of our lives and personalities. Still, the instincts developed through evolution are still within us, and while – luckily – they can’t control our behavior, we can use them wisely to increase romance and passion.

There is no need to emphasize your gender in other aspects of life – business, hobbies, parenthood, friendships etc. – unless that’s what you want. But when it comes to romance, try using the more “gendered” aspect of you. You might not be used to doing so, but you might end up liking it. Just make sure the way you express it is genuine, your own, rather than following other people’s models. 

用游戏的态度代替刻板的要求. Flexibility is the foundation of good relationships – at least when it comes to details, rather than important life values. We meet so many people who fight bitterly about details like how to cut butter, or the famous toilet seat… sometimes you need to think about if those details are really important enough to endanger the quality of your partnership. Perhaps your partner, against all your reasons and pleas, will never make it a habit to put food back into the fridge or dirty dishes into the sink… but it doesn’t mean that he is not a good partner. 许多人际关系的失败都是因为人们把对方的不良意图归咎于对方, on the basis of petty details in behavior. Can you show understanding and compassion to your partner, give them space when they are in a bad mood, irritable, and all together not at their best? Then you can earn their trust, respect and motivation to put effort in the relationship with you… 情绪是否健康.

我们给予爱的方式不同 can often create misunderstandings. Some people express their feelings through words and conversation, while others want physical touch or doing things together. Some regard gifts to be an important expression of love, while for others gifts are quite secondary. If you don’t notice the way your partner expresses love to you, because this is just not the way in which you want to receive it… explain it to your partner. 试着注意善意即使该行为并不完全符合您的意愿。这样就可以避免不必要的冲突。

什么时候才算够？

On the other hand, there are people who don’t trust their own instincts enough, so they allow themselves to be manipulated into accepting neglect, humiliation and control. Some women believe that being independent and giving space to their partners means accepting their lack of responsibility and respect, or their promiscuity. Some men are manipulated into thinking that they are selfish, uncaring and irresponsible if they don’t fulfill every wish of their partners. Some couples just don’t recognize that they are not compatible因此，他们浪费时间互相指责，试图改变对方。

如果你是男人，想让你的伴侣快乐，但又不确定 如何区分健康的支持和像父亲一样的行为请考虑以下问题。同样的问题也可以帮助那些不确定自己是否要求过多的女性，或者她们的伴侣是否真的只是像一株脆弱的植物一样，正处于与沙发结合的敏感过程中：

• • 您的伴侣是否 一般独立负责还是（他）期望其他人（也就是你）为她的需求、感受和愿望负责？

• • 他是否 灵活宽容 如果不是所有事情都按照她的想法去做，或者她会批评和贬低你，因为你没有读懂她的想法？

• • 他（她）是否用以下方式表达她的期望和抱怨 从容淡定还是通过扮演受害者、操纵或侵略？

• • 您是否觉得在分担工作和责任方面取得了平衡，还是觉得几乎所有事情都由您一个人承担？

• • 是否 愉悦充实 是你为她做事，还是她的负担和义务？
• 当你帮助她时，（他）是否会表示高兴和感激，还是你觉得什么都不够？

If you’re used to rational analysis only, instead of hearing what your intuition has to say, it might be very difficult for you to find an answer. 倾听自己的感受 – not those superficial and often defensive ones, but deeper feelings, which are usually calmer and more comprehensive. It’s important to recognize that 伙伴关系不是共生你们仍然是两个人。你们还是成年人，要对自己的生活和需求负责。 Partnership means cooperation – but preserving a sense of personal space and boundaries.只有这样，我们才能感受到健康的激情。

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