嫉妒

嫉妒和占有欲

嫉妒通常是 最幼稚的情感 of all. While experiences of fear, anger, sadness, shame and similar can be appropriate to external reality (although in most cases it’s a mixture of realistic and childish, exaggerated perception), jealousy is mostly based on an infantile feeling that we can’t receive enough love and attention, and that our sense of worth and self-esteem depends of others’ choices.

Although possessiveness towards one’s intimate partner has some roots in biology and evolution, the essence of jealousy is in 自卑, that something is wrong with us, that somebody else (perhaps without merit, perhaps with more merit, we’re afraid) receives something we dearly want. We might also feel that love and attention is limited, that is, if one person is receiving it, another has to lose. As a 自我保护, we create anger towards the person who “steals” love from us, and often even towards the person whose love we want.

Some people whose partner fell in love with another person, judge and blame that person ruthlessly, especially if he/she dared to accept this love. (By “falling in love” I don’t mean irresponsible sex and selfish behavior towards current partner.) Often we can hear pathetic claims such as: “he stole what was most important to me”, “she ruined my life”, victim talk and similar words more appropriate to teenage music than to adult people. In many societies in history (and in some still today) adultery was punished by death, often slow and painful. Imagine the strength and depth of childish fear and feeling of unworthiness, that it makes whole civilizations ready to kill another human being for loving somebody else!

尽管如此，即使在更先进的社会中，个人仍然会对这种经历做出戏剧性的反应。有些人非常害怕这种经历，他们会不惜一切代价来阻止它的发生，主要是通过以下方式 占有欲: controlling their partners and isolating them from other people, usually people of opposite sex, but sometimes of all the other social contacts. They might be jealous not only of people who might be potential love interests to their partners, but also partners’ families, same sex friends, even their own children. Some such people want to get rid of jealousy, but don’t know how: no rational decision is enough. Others truly believe that their jealousy is normal and justified.

这就产生了极其 虐待行为例如，禁止伴侣参加许多社交活动、可疑的质问、争吵、批评、当众羞辱伴侣、勒索，甚至身体暴力和谋杀。健康的亲密伴侣关系是两个人的关系，他们知道选择对方是因为对方有特定的品质和共同的价值观，也知道这些品质会随着时间的推移而改变，他们的伴侣可以对其他人感到友好。相反，夸张的嫉妒会将这种关系变成禁锢、拥有和虐待。

自尊的重要性

People who as children had a chance to build self-esteem, a deep sense that they deserve love, will be aware that their worthiness doesn’t depend of specific other people’s choices. Thus they’ll be able to feel good about themselves and other people, even when the person they love gives attention to other people. They won’t feel the need to be “special” 给他（这是 孩子对父母的要求). They will accept the partner’s friendly interest in other people as a normal behavior which is not necessarily threatening. They will be aware that 我们可以用不同的方式喜欢不同的人.另一方面，一个人的自尊心越弱，空虚感、羞耻感和对失去的恐惧感越强，就越容易产生嫉妒和占有欲。

I’m not trying to promote open marriages and irresponsible sex here – even if “free love” might be a rational ideal, we are not only rational creatures. We are shaped by the world we live in and our emotional and biological needs. It’s not wise to deny it. 大多数理想都会被滥用，被推向不健康的极端.

I’ve met people – usually women – whose partners used such logical ideals to talk them into allowing them to sleep with other people. Not only such a person will suppress and deny her own feelings, but she will lose the feeling of stability and confidence in her partner, which kills intimacy. This becomes a background for future resentment and mistrust. From a biological point of view, a woman needs a stable partner she can lean on while raising children. These urges are still in us and there is no use denying them, although different social and biological aspects can make some individuals have different urges than the majority.

Besides, complex creatures as we are, it’s difficult enough to achieve true intimacy with one person; 在不降低关系质量的情况下，将亲密关注分散到几个人身上几乎是不可能的.

还是这样 生物条件下的嫉妒通常比童年的烙印要温和得多，为健康的决定和健康的自我形象留下空间。嫉妒在大多数情况下是与消极的自我形象成正比和直接相关的。然而，这往往不是有意识的。大多数人都会压抑对自己的负面情绪，也许他们会把这种情绪隐藏在傲慢和强势的面具下。 自信行为不等于自尊.自尊的更好体现是我们对他人和自己的尊重程度。 Negative opinion of ourselves usually won’t allow us to truly appreciate others; usually we’ll try to avoid our feelings of inferiority by trying to belittle other people, whether within our minds or directly.

If we truly like and appreciate ourselves, if we feel deserving of love, we’ll expect it to be natural and easy to find people to love and who will love us back. We won’t experience the end of an important relationship as the “end of the world”, even if we’ll likely need to go through an initial period of sadness and emotional separation. We can also feel more respect, understanding and compassion for our partners and give them the same kind of freedom we want for ourselves.

儿童之间的嫉妒

最常见的嫉妒诱因是 诞生 in a family. Children who feel the lack of love and attention will find it easier to blame the other child than the parents. For the first child, the birth of the second is usually a shock; not only most of mother’s and other people’s attention is suddenly transferred to the new child, but the older child is in the same time usually given new responsibilities and expectations which might further increase the feelings of insecurity (“you need to help with the baby…”). The younger child, on the other hand, might perceive the older as the one who is given more respect, trust and privileges, and thus develop a sense of inferiority.

嫉妒似乎在以下人群中尤为强烈 同性子女. Perhaps this is because children of different sex need different kinds of attention, so they don’t feel so threatened by the type of attention given to the sibling. The other reason might be that, in the period of developing sexual roles, which is characterized by feeling attracted to the opposite sex parent, each child bonds to a different parent, so the feeling of competition is not so strong.

儿童的嫉妒心更强 如果年龄差距不大.有时，父母真的会偏爱一个孩子而不是另一个。在过去，通常是重男轻女，这在某些文化中仍然很常见，但现在越来越多的父母重女轻子。当然，最理想的情况是父母对两个孩子都一视同仁，但人无完人，凡事都有例外。

每个家庭都不尽相同，没有适用于每个人的通用模式。这在很大程度上取决于孩子之间的年龄差异，以及孩子的教育方式。 父母给予健康的爱的能力 和温暖。孩子越大，父母能给予的爱越多，孩子就越不容易产生不满足感和随之而来的嫉妒心。

对父母的嫉妒

有些孩子会嫉妒父母中的一方通常是同性父母。这种嫉妒通常不那么强烈，孩子们通常会 更惭愧的是 and inhibited in expressing it. A child will feel much more confused and guilty about such jealousy, then when it’s about a sibling. Children are aware that in some way they are “intruders” in an adult relationship, so they’ll usually hide such feelings, even from themselves.

这种感觉通常出现在三岁到六岁之间，此时儿童对自己的性有了认识。异性父母变得越来越有吸引力，因为通过这种吸引力，孩子们会探索自己的性感觉。孩子 同性父母可能被视为竞争. Then children might fantasize of this parent somehow disappearing, or allowing children to take their place. Children sometimes say things like “When I grow up, I’ll marry Dad!” or “Mom, you’re my wife!” If the parents react calmly and lovingly, but without encouraging such ideas, the child will be able to go through this phase without creating permanent patterns of inadequacy and jealousy.

If a family is chaotic and unhealthy, a child might develop an unhealthy bond to a parent. Such children might obsessively search for love and attention, and might hope that they’d be able to “save” a parent and make him happy. If one of the parents is perceived like a victim, children might hope to prove that they can make them happier than the other parent. If the parent encourages it through the pattern of 情感乱伦, jealousy might become a long-term and truly toxic issue. As adults, such child might feel strongly attracted to “love triangles” and situations of competing with others for the love of their partners. They might want to get rid of jealousy… but as long as those subconscious images of parents are still in them, the jealousy will persist.

如果您想 战胜嫉妒关键在于 自豪感 以及 "你值得被爱 "的感觉。当然，这也会在生活的许多其他方面产生积极的影响。我们可以帮助你解决家庭纠葛和无意识模式带来的后果。

Check out my workbook “Turn Jealousy into Self-esteem” on Smashwords 和 亚马逊!

相关文章

什么是自尊？

Falling In Love With “Bad Guys” (And Girls)

When Hope is a “Negative” Emotion

您是否正在遭受虐待？

所有文章 

在线辅导