如何在不争吵的情况下向伴侣提出建议

照片由 帧 harirak

This article was inspired by a common question: “Is it appropriate to give your partner advice about what you’d like them to change?” Let’s explore how to give advice without making your partner upset:

沟通人际关系中的界限和愿望

在考虑如何就行为改变向伴侣提出建议时，高质量的沟通是关键。处理伤害你或影响你生活质量的行为是适当的。您有权以尊重的方式表达您的底线和愿望。然而，不请自来的建议往往会被视为批评，并可能导致冲突。

在处理伴侣的行为变化时，应把重点放在行为上，而不是批评他们的个性。以友好和非对抗性的方式解释你的观点。

If you’re hoping for your partner to change something for their benefit rather than solely yours, tread carefully. Firstly, consider how it would feel to you if somebody tried to change you in ways you might not like. Then, I suggest you start with the question: ‘Would it be OK for you if I gave you some advice about this topic?’ Communicate why the change is important to you.

For example: ‘Could we talk about your health and would it be OK for you if I gave you some advice about it? This is important to me, because health problems could influence the quality of our relationship in the future.’

验证

Listen to and validate your partner’s point of view. Try to understand what the behavior means to them. It could be a coping mechanism, a way to connect with family, or a source of comfort or security based on their past experiences. Consider their personality, upbringing, and communication style when offering advice. Ask your partner if there is a way you could help them that they would really appreciate.

How they will react to your advice depends on multiple factors: their personality, upbringing, and role models; your personality and communication style; the non-verbal message you convey; the nature of your advice; and whether your relationship is generally tense or full of trust. They don’t have to agree with you, but it doesn’t mean it’s OK for them to put you down or verbally attack you, for example.

另请参见 如何在受到批评时给予情感上的肯定

在关系中寻求平衡和妥协

If your partner doesn’t feel like doing what you suggest, avoid pressuring them. Remember they have the right to refuse you, and being in a relationship doesn’t mean they have to be exactly what you want, or vice versa. Some people seem to have a fairy-tale perception of intimate relationships, believing that in a successful relationship there is no disagreement, or even that for them to be happy, everything has to be their way. Such all-or-nothing perspective is counter-productive.

Rather than trying to change or control your partner, presume they will remain as they are, and re-examine the relationship. Is what you want them to change a condition for you to be happy in a relationship, or not? If it is, it might be better to cut your losses and leave sooner rather than later. If it isn’t, work on finding ways to accept them as they are. After all, being accepted for who they are is one of the most important desires in an intimate relationship for most people.

在与伴侣讨论这个话题时，如果你发现自己内心浮现出强烈的情绪，请负责任地审视这些情绪。它们现实吗？还是过于简单和幼稚？你的担忧是否被夸大了？这种情况是否让你想起了过去的某个人或某件事？你是否对过去做出了反应，而不是不带偏见地看待现在？(另请参见 什么是年龄回归？)

结论

Remember that most advice will be perceived as criticism, even if mild. Giving advice requires sensitivity, empathy, and responsibility. It’s essential to address behaviors rather than personalities, to listen actively, and to respect each other’s autonomy. Ultimately, relationships thrive on acceptance and understanding, where both partners feel valued for who they are while also supporting each other’s growth.

更多信息

关系中沟通的 10 条关键规则

什么是年龄回归？

如何在受到批评时给予情感上的肯定

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