您是否觉得被人视作理所当然？虐待与无条件的爱

A common pattern in unhealthy relationships is when (at least) one of the partners takes the other for granted, perhaps being aggressive, manipulative or dismissive – but when the other partner decides to leave, the first suddenly starts acting like an abandoned puppy. The abuser then apologizes, pleads, brings gifts, swears eternal love, promises to change, often brings up horrible stories from his/her childhood to provoke pity and guilt.

另一个伙伴（通常沉浸在自己的 儿童需求, hoping to finally resolve with this person what was left unresolved with parents) decides that the relationship is worth giving another chance and stays. Within a few days or weeks, the abuser’s behavior is back to what it was before: perhaps insults, lies, undermining the partner’s self-confidence, or even physical violence. After a while, the victim decides it’s enough and tries to leave again. The abuser is again devastated. And so the cycle can continue for years – sometimes for a whole life.

这听起来熟悉吗？如果您正处于这样的关系中，您需要明白的是，如果您的伴侣将您视为 代父母, as soon as the relationship is safe and back to routine, (s)he will continue to take you for granted. The normal attitude of a child towards parents is to take parents for granted – unless parents threaten to leave (or perhaps get sick or similar). An emotionally childish person will act in the same way towards an intimate partner.

孩子气的伴侣可能希望你表现得像个 完美的理想父母 – to fulfill and even anticipate anything they might desire, while allowing them to do whatever they want regardless of your own desires and needs. In the same time, they might vent at you all the anger and resentment they felt for their own parents, but didn’t feel safe to express to them. (It’s quite common to 向我们感觉最安全的人表达我们过去未解决的情绪。 Sometimes the target becomes the intimate partner – sometimes one’s own children.)

Such a childish person might defend their attitude with the idea of “无条件的爱”, meaning that YOU should love THEM as they are (but they are not willing to give the same in return). This is again the kind of love 父母给孩子的礼物. It’s normal and healthy for parents not to expect their child to share their responsibilities, or to pay back for their gifts and efforts. But this is NOT a healthy partnership of two adult people, especially if they plan to have children.

在这种情况下，当孩子出生后，情况只会更糟。孩子气的伴侣会对新的责任和要求产生怨恨，也会对配偶以前给予的关注现在都转移到孩子身上而感到不满。孩子气的父母可能会嫉妒和怨恨自己的孩子，从而给孩子带来可预见的后果。

Some people in troublesome relationships are not quite sure whether they should trust themselves of their partner’s words. This requires a quick course in 了解自己的情绪 和 区分成人情绪和不成熟情绪. Perhaps, while growing up, you were discouraged from trusting your instincts and giving importance to your feelings and needs. Your body will warn you if your fears, doubts and guilt are not realistic – but you need to learn to recognize such signals.

你可能被认为是理所当然的，如果

– your partner dismisses your emotions and needs, and refuses to communicate about them (or communicates through insults and refuses to consider your point of view)

– your partner is not willing to forgive or tolerate small mistakes

– your partner does not invest similar effort into your relationship as (s)he demands of you

– he or she refuses to compromise – but expects you to give up your desires and values

– he or she repeatedly disregards your previous agreements

– he or she expects you to take over most of the adult responsibilities (housework and/or finances)

– you don’t like your partner’s behavior, but you stay in hope that (s)he would change.

Of course, each of these ideas can be misinterpreted and twisted in many creative ways, so approach them carefully. Almost everybody has some moments of taking their partner for granted. This is to be expected – after all, whatever and whoever becomes a normal part of our lives, our brains try to fill them under “routine” and forget about them – so that we could focus on learning new things. In partnerships, we have to 不断提醒自己不要把他人视为理所当然。 A lapse here and there is understandable. But if somebody behaves in these ways more or less all the time, it’s time to seriously consider if this is what you want your foreseeable future.

If you allow somebody to treat you as described above, you were probably raised to not  相信自己 多。也许你是一个不负责任的人的孩子，所以你承担了比正常情况下更多的责任，这对你来说已经习以为常了。或者你曾 so little experience with unreasonable people 你无法想象有人会在没有充分理由的情况下做出如此自私的行为。

Check what do you hope for if your partner would change. If you hope for recognition, approval, acknowledgment… 也许这是你一直想从父母那里得到的东西，但却从未得到过?想想看，也许你正试图与你的伴侣完成一些与你父母未完成的事情。

这样的 儿时的情绪需要首先得到化解. After that, you might need to practice trusting your feelings and expressing them in mature ways. If that doesn’t give results, you might need to end the relationship, except if you prefer to suffer. Fortunately, once you clarify your childhood emotions, you won’t feel anymore that your current partner is the only one for you and that your life would feel empty if you separate. You can go on and find a true adult relationship.

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