Attachment Styles and Disorders & How To Heal Them

Adult attachment theory includes patterns of emotional attraction (related article: “爱情关系中的模式“), as well as immature emotions or age regression (“情感成熟度“), joining them into a systematic overview of several most common approaches to love relationships. The basic idea is that the way parents treat a small child greatly influences the way the child (and later the adult) perceives emotional intimacy, and what they 学会期待亲密关系.

The theory itself is not something new – I’ve already written a lot on the topic of immature parents and how they influence their children’s adult relationships – but this kind of systemic approach brings another level of insight.

有 4 种基本的依恋方式，其中 3 种如果情感足够强烈（尤其是与低质量的生活价值观相结合），就会演变成依恋障碍：

安全风格

Most sources I found dedicated only a few sentences to the secure attachment style, probably presuming that it’s self-explanatory (an interesting idea, said one of my clients). So here is my perspective of the secure style:

– People with secure attachment style are relaxed about emotional intimacy and perceive it as promising and pleasant, rather than threatening. They naturally 期望亲密关系建立在良好意愿和相互性的基础上与操纵和控制无关。

– 他们认为自己值得被爱, so they are not likely to have intense fear of abandonment. They feel that, even if they were abandoned, their self-image is not dependent of somebody else’s choices. That’s why they are generally not needy or codependent.

– 他们认为自己的伴侣是独一无二的人而不是通过各种偏见、投射和转移。

– Yet, they don’t put their partner on a pedestal and, while they wouldn’t like losing their partner, they know if it happened there are other people in the world who might make great partners.

– They are 能平衡 between their own and their partner’s needs, between giving and receiving.

– They are willing to 两全其美 并在必要时调整自己的立场。

– They perceive the possibility of being 惝恍 作为一个 可接受风险因为他们不怕分手会破坏他们与自己的关系。一旦分手，他们会悲伤，但他们能够 赡养自己 经历悲伤的过程

– 情感脆弱 在人际关系中，"不舒服 "会让人感到轻微不适，但并不可怕。

– They are able to 区分成人和未成年的情绪和行为无论是他们自己的，还是其他人的。

– They have a certain amount of understanding and tolerance for their partners’ small faults, unintentional lapses and mistakes, because they don’t take them personally and they 好心没好报. However, they are able to set boundaries or end a relationship, if they decide it’s not healthy or they don’t share important life values with their partners (check also: “设定界限“).

简而言之，安全型依恋风格的人对情感亲密关系持积极态度，他们在给予和接受爱时都很放松，但他们也会 保持自己的特色. If they feel their boundaries are threatened, they try to find balance and discuss the problem respectfully. They don’t feel a need to control their partners, but they 寻求合作.

这些人通常有 与父母保持相当健康的关系, at least in the first few years of their lives – meaning, parents were able to recognize and respond to the baby’s needs. Even if later in their childhoods the relationship with parents worsened, or parents used some unhealthy child-rearing strategies, the early experience of safe closeness stays imprinted in their subconscious minds.

Of course, these categories are never simple and “clean”, there is no clear boundary between them, so people with primary secure attachment style 可表现出其他依恋方式的某些方面这也取决于他们早期所处环境的具体影响，以及他们当前伴侣的行为。例如，在与焦虑型依恋风格的人交往时，如果对方过分侵犯他们的界限，他们可能会开始表现出一些更典型的轻视-回避型依恋风格的行为。

所有其他依恋方式都包括一些（有意识或无意识的） 对情感亲密的不愉快期望以及或多或少 控制需求 over one’s partner. Such people often develop certain compensatory roles and games (or learn them from their parents), which reduces their authenticity in communication. This often creates circumstances in which the 消极态度成为自我实现的预言这可能会造成失望的恶性循环。在更糟糕的情况下，这种态度会变成依恋障碍，而不仅仅是有轻微问题的习惯。

不安全依恋风格，尤其是依恋障碍的核心原因是 inadequate responses of parents to a child’s needs.这不仅包括忽视和暴力，还包括侵扰和不健康的联系，如 情感乱伦 (检查 本条）或过多的控制（为人父母、控制和内疚)对孩子的影响。尤其是具有回避型依恋风格的人，他们不仅不可能得到足够的支持和照顾，而且往往不得不 赡养自己的父母 在某些方面，他们在这个过程中牺牲了自己。

焦虑-专注型依恋风格

If you hear of somebody referred to as a “doormat”, they probably have the anxious-preoccupied attachment style. These people tend to value a love relationship over most other life values, sometimes even over their own identity, even when a relationship is toxic. To keep a relationship, they can often 不自量力，我行我素 – or what they think is expected of them. They need continuous 再次保证他们被接纳，值得被爱.

People with the anxious-preoccupied attachment style are very sensitive to even small changes in a partner’s mood and behavior. They can easily overreact to such signals, finding in them proofs that their partners don’t love them enough 或对他们不满意。为了避免不安全感和减轻对失去一段感情的恐惧，他们会不断地、有时是过分地要求伴侣重申对自己的爱。再加上他们 要讨好他们可能会让伴侣觉得他们的界限受到了攻击。或者，这类人会让他们的伴侣 控制和操纵 他们

在更极端的情况下，它们可以 充当牺牲品, using manipulation, passive aggression and emotional blackmail (related article: “如何识别情感勒索“). In an even worse extreme, they can become pathologically jealous.

You can easily guess such a person has probably been neglected by their parents, or – perhaps even worse – their parents were unpredictable and inconsistent. Such a child feels that no matter how hard they try, it’s never enough. To protect themselves from the feeling they cannot rely on their parents, they take the blame upon themselves (unconsciously, of course) and their self-image becomes very negative. Their innate temperament is usually quite empathetic and cooperative.

在恋爱关系中，他们有一种强烈的无意识需求，那就是重申自己的价值，化解被压抑的痛苦情绪，并获得（赚取？） the approval they didn’t receive from their parents. Usually, it’s one of the 回避型 types that provides such a challenge and “helps” them reenact the atmosphere from their childhoods. This can end up in toxic and painful codependency. Even if they are abused, their emotional needs from childhood might keep them in a relationship for a long time.

焦虑-回避型依恋风格

焦虑-回避型依恋风格的定义是 内部冲突不断焦虑型：一方面与焦虑-斤斤计较型有类似的情感需求、恐惧和自卑，另一方面又害怕脆弱和亲密（通常伪装成愤怒）。总之，这是一种相当动荡的 介于上述焦虑-专注风格和轻蔑-回避风格之间的混合体 下。与这种人的关系可能会特别动荡（有些人会被这种动荡所吸引）。

就像其他类型的长期内部冲突一样、 冲突的一方刚刚得到平息，另一方又开始蠢蠢欲动. In this case, as soon as the need for closeness is somewhat fulfilled, the need to sabotage the relationship to avoid intimacy takes over, and the other way around. Such people often “make mountains out of molehills”, 在头脑中制造不愉快的情景，然后把它们当作真的一样行事.他们对失望或被虐待的恐惧使他们无法冷静下来，看到其他的可能性。他们可能会在自责和贬低自己之间摇摆不定，然后是伴侣，如此循环往复。

他们早期的家庭关系通常充满了各种类型的忽视和/或虐待。孩子可能经历过持续的失望、伤害和遗弃（身体或精神上的）。与前一种类型相似，不稳定和难以预测的父母也会对孩子造成特别不利的影响，使他们觉得 他们永远无法放松和感到安全.同样，这类人非常需要外界的认可和爱的证明，但由于根深蒂固的负面自我形象，这些证明即使有，也很少有持久的效果。

嫌弃-回避型依恋风格

早期的家庭环境也是不健康的，但在这种情况下，孩子会无意识地认为 亲密关系是危险、窒息和威胁 to one’s own identity and freedom. Such people have as children unconsciously chosen the other extreme compared to the anxious-preoccupied style: they decided they don’t need close relationships他们情感独立，应避免亲密接触。这类人与生俱来的气质往往更倾向于权力本能，尤其是与焦虑先入为主的依恋风格相比（尽管这并不是最重要的因素），而且他们往往会追随具有类似行为的家庭榜样。

作为决定避免亲密关系的支持（或原因），这类人通常会发展出一种 轻蔑、批评的态度 对那些他们认为会威胁到他们情感独立和自主的人，即他们的（潜在）伴侣。他们不信任别人，认为别人居心不良。他们觉得有必要通过以下方式保护自己免受痛苦和失望 逃避和忽视一般情绪, so they can become very logical at the expense of their emotional intelligence and maturity. They keep their guard up, guided by the idea, “I’ll abandon you before you abandon me”.

This doesn’t necessarily mean the dismissive-avoidant type avoids romance, especially if their libido is high, but they will 想方设法与伴侣保持距离, not only externally, but also within their own minds. In milder cases, there can be a more or less subtle need to (mentally) criticize the partner, avoiding clarifying emotions, unreliability, discomfort with giving and receiving emotional (or other) support; they might be workoholic or use various other activities that decrease the chance for spending intimate time together. In more difficult cases, this can manifest as “blowing hot and cold”, promiscuity or verbal, emotional, and even physical abuse.

这类人 喜欢拥有权力和控制 over their partners (and sometimes other people, too), because otherwise they are afraid of being controlled by others. That’s why they often choose partners with the anxious-preoccupied attachment style. To control their partners, they can use various forms of manipulations, including trying to decrease their partners’ self-esteem.

更温和的版本具有轻视-回避型依恋风格的人，内心可能相当温暖和感性，甚至害羞和安静，但他们可能会遇到以下情况 意外和不必要的情感障碍 when faced with a chance for emotional intimacy with someone. Such blocks can manifest in subtle ways, such as overly high criteria when choosing partners, suspiciousness and questioning the future of a promising relationship, overreacting to a partner’s faults, unrealistic fears, falling in love with unavailable people and/or fantasizing about an ideal “soulmate” partner (sometimes that includes idealizing a love interest from their past).

为了避免与不愉快的家庭成员发生不必要的接触，这些人往往很早就养成了一种 cold, “closed” facial expression and body language.长大后，他们可能根本意识不到这一点，可能会困惑为什么其他人避免与他们亲密接触，而他们的伴侣却抱怨他们在感情上不可靠。

Just like other attachment styles/disorders, it’s important to understand that all these defenses were developed as 生存策略和 不代表真实身份 and true emotional needs of these people. A person with the dismissive-avoidant attachment style might suffer just as much as anybody else after losing a relationship – sometimes more, as they might don’t have a network of friends for emotional support – but they will often suppress and deny their suffering, and dismiss their own emotional needs.

依恋方式与为人父母

All the attachment styles (and attachment disorders in some cases) described on the previous page are not only active in a relationship with a partner, but in other close relationships too, such as with one’s own children. I wrote something in that line of thought in the article 人格的基本裂痕.

焦虑不安型依恋风格的父母会 叩关 their child’s identity and boundaries, and can thus trigger the development of the dismissive-avoidant style in the child. A dismissive-avoidant parent can result in the child developing the anxious-preoccupied attachment. It’s also possible for a child to model a parent (often the same gender parent, but not always) and develop a similar attachment style as the parent.

更温和的版本, an unhealthy parental attachment style only activates when the child is big enough to disobey parents and fight for their own autonomy, or when a parent decides the child doesn’t really meet their expectations. This usually means that in the first year or two of the child’s life at least, parents were responding to the child’s needs so the child had a chance to experience safe emotional bonding. If there are problems among parents, it’s important how old is the child when they start to manifest, too.

在更糟糕的情况下在这种情况下，孩子很早就受到父母的忽视、矛盾甚至虐待，其中很可能包括父母之间动荡的关系。这样的孩子 较少机会体验安全的亲情感觉, so it can be expected they’ll grow up perceiving their negative expectations of intimacy as normal, obvious and instinctive (related article: “对亲密关系的恐惧“). If there are other family members who step in providing consistent love, for example grandparents, these problems can be somewhat mitigated, but not all children have such sources of support.

我可以更改附件样式吗？

Yes… if you truly acknowledge your problems, take responsibility and are willing to invest time and effort into the change. People who do so are usually among milder cases and have had some chance to develop some inner resources and alleviate disappointments, so they can look at their behavior more objectively and empathize with their partners. 

逃避责任或寻求外部即时解决方案的人是不可能改变的 他们的依恋风格。如果重要的关系受到威胁，他们可能会尝试一段时间，但通常很快就会放弃。 

怎么做？

– First, practice 连接自己的情感 (related: “观察感受“). To be able to change your emotional reactions, you need to be able to recognize where they come from, what was the original cause, and separate your past from reality. That’s something you cannot do if you have a habit of avoiding your own emotions. While learning to accept your feelings, you also learn to…

– 支持自己. If you don’t know how to support yourself through emotional pain and disappointment, you are much more likely to be afraid of those feelings and avoid the risk of experiencing them. Whenever we open up to another person, we risk being rejected and disappointed, but we also have a chance to experience love and acceptance. If you are not willing to risk the former, you are not likely to experience the latter. To be willing to take that risk, you need to trust yourself that you are able to deal with pain (check the article: “你愿意面对痛苦吗？“). To be able to do that, you also need to …

– 培养健康的自尊心. This doesn’t mean having to be something special; one of the best description of self-esteem came from a girl who said: “I’m totally fine with just being a human being among other humans, I have no need to set myself apart!” (This doesn’t mean losing initiative and ambition, as some might misinterpret it, but finding your motivation in your own pleasure of doing something, rather than comparing yourself to others.) 自尊心 办法 你将错误和过失视为学习机会 and you look forward to doing better in the future, rather than seeing them as something that labels you forever. (Related article: “什么是自尊？“)

– Learn to acknowledge your partner’s perspective. (This is primarily meant for the avoidants’ ears – or eyes, in this case; the anxious-preoccupied usually do too much of this.) This means, try to 感知积极意图 in your partner’s behavior (this does NOT include justifying abuse, of course), if you are usually prone to criticism and creating unpleasant stories in your mind. 
For example, if your partner doesn’t respond to your phone calls for a while, consider what else might have prevented them besides “he/she doesn’t care enough about me!” If your partner is criticizing you, perhaps they want to negotiate how to improve your relationship rather than suffocate and control you? If something about your partner’s behavior is disappointing, it might not be because they are not “right” for you, but simply because people are different and nobody’s perfect? In other words,

–  息事宁人. Of course, within reasonable limits. However, if some unpleasant behavior is significant or repetitive, you’ll need to…

– learn to set boundaries in constructive ways (check: “设定界限“). A common reason why people isolate themselves from others, or are too judgmental of others, is being afraid of not being able (or not being allowed) to set boundaries and protect ourselves.
当然，一旦你开始学习设定界限，有些人可能会出于各种（通常是自私的）原因试图阻止你。如上所述，培养自尊和支持自己，对你学习与这些人打交道也大有帮助。 
你越觉得自己有能力设定界限，就越能放松地与他人相处 在一般情况下，因为你要把防御措施留到真正需要的时候才用。

– 尝试寻找安全依恋风格的伴侣。 Such people tend to be healthier and more balanced in a relationship, so they are less likely to trigger your fears and defenses. Besides, “secure” people can have more patience while you work towards changing your attachment problems (under condition that you really invest effort and take responsibility for your issues), and would be able to give you more space and time without feeling threatened.

– 与伴侣进行深入的（但负责任的）坦诚交流。. For example: “Right now I feel the need to be alone, it has nothing to do with you but it would help if I could spend some time by myself”. Or, “I’m upset at the moment and I feel threatened, but this is probably related to my past experience, not you.” If you can calmly and without accusations explain to your partner what is going on in your head, they are less likely to create their own (unpleasant) scenarios.

– 慢慢习惯承担情感风险.当你学习游泳时，一开始你可能会害怕，可能会不由自主地喝一些水，但随着时间的推移，你学会了放松和享受。当你开始一份新工作时，你可能会感到不自在，不知道会出什么问题，但你还是坚持了下来，因为这对你来说很重要。 无论你在生活中冒了什么险，你都可能有些害怕，但你认为这值得付出努力 and you’d deal with whatever happens, one way or the other. Apply the same attitude to emotional intimacy. 

Perhaps you feel discomfort in your body or unpleasant images come to your mind? Acknowledge them, but do not give them power. Take a breath and dive in. Accept the idea that you don’t and cannot control everything, but 您可以处理可能出现的问题. You’ll probably learn to enjoy and have fun, just like playing in waves. And if you’ll need additional help, we are one email away.

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