关系中沟通的 10 条关键规则

照片由Roman Craft

Every relationship has its problems and it is not realistic to think we will always have an understanding, agreement and great communication with a partner. A relatively common problem is when one person expects that they shouldn’t have to express their needs clearly, but that the partner, if he or she loved them, would recognize and understand them. This, from my perspective, is usually the result of unmet needs from childhood and seeking a replacement for a parent – someone who would easily understand and fulfill our needs, and whose own needs would not be inconsistent with ours. But this is generally not realistic.

A healthy love means accepting disagreements, smaller incompatibilities and misunderstandings in communication, and making an effort to resolve them and come to an agreement. Of course, effort is needed on both sides, not just on one side, and even that is not always enough if there are significant incompatibilities regarding key life values. But let’s say you are relatively compatible – even then, big but unnecessary problems can grow out of established communication habits – learned from our early environment but often unconscious, which is why we do not question them.

There are people who, unconsciously and automatically, hide their true desires and opinions until they suddenly erupt with frustration, or their feelings for the partner cool down because they resent that their partner does not recognize their unexpressed desires and nonverbal signals. There are people whose communication style is unthoughtful, even aggressive, and they don’t even think about what it might sound like to someone else. There are some who just don’t feel like making an effort. All this is an unnecessary negative impact on a relationship that can be improved with a little perspective and learning – if there is the will to do so.

伴侣间的争吵往往遵循着一条相当可预测的路径，即抱怨、指责、以偏概全、防卫、曲解、夸大，甚至可能是侮辱。这通常是社会在我们还是孩子的时候教给我们的。但是，只要对沟通多一些关注，只要付出真诚和持久的努力，很多关系都可以得到维护或修复。

以下是一些最重要的高质量沟通规则，它们可以改善关系，防止积怨：

1) Most of the anger and resistance in partner discussions is not the result of content, but of the way one talks: the tone of voice, the choice of words, facial expressions and gestures… Therefore, it’s often more important to 交流的重点是如何说，而不是说什么.

For example, tell your partner what is bothering you about the way they communicate (eg, aggressive tone, rolling their eyes, or generalizations) and suggest what they could do instead. Or, to show good will, ask them what may be annoying in your own mode of communication. You will need to do this often – at first almost after every few sentences, because it is easy to break into old habits. It depends on the situation, of course – the more important the topic and the greater the risk of escalation, the more it is necessary to return to this rule.

2) 只要有可能、 花点时间选择你的回答 – avoid automatic expressions and anything reckless. By taking a short break to think, you prevent your limbic system from acting automatically, and enable your adult brain to get involved instead. It is better to spend a few seconds now to choose better words, than to later maybe spend hours and days to fix the consequences of the poorly chosen ones.

3) 尽可能多地通过提问进行交流, such as, “When did you start feeling that way? How did you hear what I said? What does that mean to you? How do you want me to talk to you if I have a complaint?” This shows care and responsibility, avoids a defensive stance, and helps you and your partner better understand what’s going on.

4) 避免假设不良意图和特征. This is one of the most important rules. The beginning of the end of a relationship, from my perspective, is when the partners start attributing to each other bad intentions and traits due to unwanted behaviors. Of course, it is possible that your partner has some bad traits – we all have them. However, much more common causes for attributing bad intentions to someone are a combination of poor quality communication, transference (the partner subtly reminds us of our parents – this is usually unconscious and much more common than most people notice) or simply having trouble changing deep-seated habits.

5) 其他一些需要避免的事情：
a) 概括 (you always / never …),
b) 斩钉截铁 (这是不对的、不真实的、不正常的）、
c) 批品不批行 (eg I wish you didn’t do this and that, instead of “you are so lazy / selfish” etc).
d) 压抑情感 直到愤怒积累到足以转化为愤怒或被动攻击。
e) 当然还有辱骂和类似的难听的话。

6) 切勿出言不逊。 Anger often provokes the desire to hurt the other person, so we are more likely to do all of the above things we should avoid. If the anger is too strong to contain, try the following: go to another room where you can be alone, and say aloud what you want to say to your partner – or better yet, record yourself saying those things. Once we hear the angry thoughts spoken aloud, we can more easily imagine ourselves as their “recipient”. Then we can feel how differently (usually more aggressive) they sound than when we imagine them in our own mind, through our own emotions.
为了防止愤怒的交流，最好 在愤怒或沮丧情绪尚轻时开始谈论问题在你还能保持冷静和深思熟虑的时候，不要等到愤怒变得如此强烈，以至于在某种程度上关闭了成年人的思维。然而，很多人在童年时期就学会了避免及时和明确的沟通，因为家人的反应往往令人泄气。

7) 思考对方在说什么，并 试问.

8）（特别重要） 注意语气和非语言交流 一般来说。即使你谨慎地选择你的言辞，如果你的肢体和声音散发出恼怒或烦躁、不感兴趣或不尊重的情绪，你的交流很可能被认为是不诚实和操纵性的。另一方面，如果你的非语言交流显得友好而平静，那么对方可能会更容易接受比平时更激烈的批评。
要避免发出令人不快的非语言信息，首先需要有意识地平复自己的情绪，在内心营造出你想传达的非语言情绪（如尊重、理解、友好、同情）。

9) 说出真诚的感受，但不是一时的、肤浅的感受。如何做到这一点？ 与表面之下的情感联系起来这比防御姿态或暂时的不成熟情绪更深层次。通常，这意味着找到并表达你对这段关系的真诚愿望。问问你自己 我到底想让我的伴侣明白什么？ 我到底想传达什么信息？

10) 你可能需要经常重复其中的一些内容，并不断回到如何沟通而不是沟通什么的问题上。通常在每次谈话中都要重复多次。 Don’t expect results right away.
Expect to make mistakes, both of you. Prepare for some uncomfortable words and comments, even if you are both making an effort. The most important thing then is not to start with the accusations such as “you are doing it again, you’re not even trying!” Be patient. It is difficult to change one’s automatic habits.

Don’t expect your partner to change as quickly as you would like. The goal is communication, not manipulation or control. If your partner is different than you, they are entitled to be who they are. Partner communication means negotiations, not that our desires must be fulfilled. If you are too different to agree without control and manipulation – you may not be compatible, and it is no one’s fault.

Using these communication skills is not difficult in theory – but in reality, transference and age regression often get in the way (more on age regression 这里).认识到这一点很重要，这样我们就能让自己回到成人的现实中，感知眼前真实的自己，而不是对自己的过去做出反应。认识并解决年龄倒退的状态，能让我们在使用沟通技巧时做到真诚，而不是假装或强迫。

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