关于情感成熟的问答

Recently I had an interesting philosophical discussion about what “mature behavior” and “mature emotions” actually are, and according to which (and whose) criteria are they defined.

我在文章中已经提到了其中的一些标准 “Emotional Maturity”: 强度 你的情绪与外部环境相适应，你不会觉得有必要羞辱或伤害别人 其他人 (which means you don’t have toxic beliefs about yourself), you take 责任 为你的情感，你 发表 你会发现成熟的情感 激励 而不是痛苦或衰弱。在本文中，我将补充更多细节：

• 在成年人的健康心态下，你的感知是复杂的，而不是非黑即白的. You are able to recognize many different aspects of a certain situation – not just your own perspective, but also other people’s points of view, possible causes of their behavior, possible consequences of your choices etc. Therefore, you can adapt your behavior to each individual situation, rather than using rigid ideas or black and white perception of whose “fault” it is.
  
  
• You take responsibility for your own behavior, but not for other people’s reactions. Therefore, you express your emotions, beliefs and needs in constructive ways, with honesty and respect, and you do not feel guilty if other people react in unpleasant ways. 
  不成熟 行为方式 将他人视为自己情绪的根源, blaming and criticizing them (whether in active or passive ways). It also means that you “shoot out” any words that come to your mind, without considering if they are reasonable and responsible.
  
  
• You don’t feel the need to control people and situations. You value your own integrity above control over others. You know you can cope with others’ behaviors. You feel that your happiness and self-esteem do not depend on other people. 你要选择那些能真实表达自己感受的语言，而不是那些你希望以某种方式影响他人的语言. 
  在一个 不成熟 你可能会觉得自己 靠人无论是身体上还是情感上。这可能会让你感到 无奈、恼怒或怨恨 – and blame others around you for such feelings. You will try to 寻求外部解决方案 – by controlling other people – instead of working with your emotions, building self-esteem and independence. Your need to control other people is stronger than respect, tolerance or compassion you might feel for them.

• 你可以设定界限。 如果你觉得自己能够保护自己免受不愉快行为的伤害，你就能在与他人相处时更加宽容和放松。
  不成熟 可能包括无法设定明确的界限。在这种情况下，你很可能期望其他人 猜你的欲望和感受 and adapt to them, so that you can avoid expressing yourself clearly. You might blame people if they don’t try to read your mind (or if they do, but don’t succeed).

• 您富有同情心; you can understand other people’s points of view even if you disagree with them. If you perceive certain people as suffering, you still see them as strong and able to take responsibility for their lives, instead of seeing them as weak and taking the responsibility onto yourself.

这一切是否意味着我必须不断适应他人，按照他们的意愿行事？

Absolutely not. Understanding other people doesn’t automatically mean following their desires. It just helps you avoid prejudice and black & white thinking. 您有权决定什么符合您的价值观什么是你可以接受的，什么是你不能接受的。不同的是，即使您决定不希望某些人出现在您身边，您也可以做出这样的决定 和平地, instead of “feeding it” with criticism, demeaning others or playing a victim.

Does this mean that I can’t express my feelings clearly and spontaneously?

No. Read again all the above criteria carefully, especially the second entry. The difference between mature and immature communication is that mature people won’t immediately express everything that comes to their minds, because they are aware that such (usually) harsh and hurtful words are what they learned in an unhealthy environment. Instead, they will 关注内心，了解他们的真实感受 超越表面的自卫性愤怒。如果你能意识到自己更深层、更平静、更复杂的情绪，如果你能花点时间找到最能表达这些情绪的词语，那么你就能真正地 成人之美.如果你能做到这一点，你就可以随心所欲地表达自己的观点。

这是否意味着我失去了感受强烈幸福和强烈情感的能力？

Unpleasant emotions are likely to become much milder if you resolve toxic beliefs you adopted as a child. This is what most people want anyway. Extreme, black and white happiness can also be childish, but if it doesn’t have unpleasant consequences, why work on changing it? It is quite 如果你的某些部分仍然幼稚，没关系如果它们是有建设性和创造性的，如果它们与关于自己和他人的有毒信念无关。

另一方面，当你学会感知周围世界越来越多的方面时，你的幸福体验可能会变得不那么强烈和简单，但是 更丰富、更复杂. This is like a difference between a cake that contains so much sugar that not much other flavor can be detected, and one that is less sweet, but much more flavorful. The choice is yours – it depends of your taste.

Still, I feel that what you say means that I’m expected to be overly calm and calculated, instead of passionate and full of life!

This is an exaggerated interpretation. If you are extroverted by nature, emotional maturity doesn’t mean suddenly becoming an introvert. Extroverted people often believe that introverts lack passion, which is not true – the passion is simply experienced and expressed differently. 内向/外向，或你感受激情的能力，与情感成熟度无关.如果你是一个外向型的人，只要你能对自己的情绪负责，选择自己的语言，而不是重复陈旧的指责和批评，你仍然可以享受强烈的刺激和交流。

Following the above comparison of happiness with cakes, we can compare extroversion with enjoying very spicy food. Introversion in this case would be represented by people who enjoy mild flavors and find them rich and complex. Neither is better than the other – as long as you can respect other people’s choices instead of forcefully pushing chili peppers in their mouths, ears and nostrils and expecting them to like it.

So who decides if an emotion is “appropriate for its context”? Does it mean that the majority is right and I have to conform to it? Or does it mean that a few individuals pose as authorities over others?

Neither. Although the distinction is not always clear, just as there is no clear boundary between “spicy” and “mild”, you can find some 适应症 我在上文提到的成熟行为的其他标准：认识复杂情况的多个方面、理解他人、尊重自己和他人以及承担责任。虽然没有数学公式，但如果你关注所有这些方面，你就会对成熟的含义有足够清晰的认识。

Another important indication can be the consequences of your behavior. Does your behavior result in 内在和谐，平衡沟通 与其他人的关系，或多或少的愉快关系，尤其是与亲近和了解你的人的关系？还是会导致彼此的挫折、冲突和控制游戏？当然，无论你的行为多么成熟，有些人都会做出不愉快的反应，但这毕竟是少数。

The next indication is your ability to empathize with other people. Are you focused on yourself and put your feelings and desires above those of other people, or do you perceive their feelings and needs as 同等重要 和你一样？您是否 涨价 other people’s efforts and what you receive from them, or do you only notice your own contribution to their lives? Can you find balance and compromise when possible, and peacefully end a relationship if it is not possible?

A further important aspect is how honest you are with yourself. Most people (except sociopaths, but genetically induced sociopathy is rather rare) feel an 内急 if their behavior is selfish and hurtful to others. (This we feel because, as a species, we have evolved to be empathic, so that we can live in groups and societies.) Do you listen to this voice? Do you pay attention to those feelings whispering that perhaps you weren’t just or honest in a certain situation? Can you listen to all of your inner voices and then peacefully decide which of them appear exaggerate and simplified, and which seem to perceive a wider point of view? Can you resist the need to feel better than other people?

最后，成熟和责任不是任何人可以强加给我们的。它们是 我们自己的选择 是为了我们自己的利益。我们选择成熟，不是为了满足某些外在的标准，而是因为我们想要改善我们内在和外在的生活质量。我们选择成熟，是出于自爱和对他人的欣赏。我们选择 长乐未央.

对我来说，这一切听起来还是很无聊！

在这种情况下，也许您已经学会了 将痛苦和不愉快的情绪与爱联系起来在痛苦中寻找某种快乐。这就是为什么有些人在没有虐待和戏剧性的关系中会感到无聊的原因。

Perhaps you have very little experience of fulfillment and happiness within healthy relationships, so you don’t want to give up the dubious pleasure you find within drama, suffering and victim games. If you cannot even imagine a different kind of happiness, you might strongly resist the idea of giving up the little pleasure you are familiar with.

没有必要走极端，追求完美。完美主义是白加黑的观点，因此是幼稚的。我们的某些部分永远都是不成熟的。没有人期望你永远是完全合理、适度和有节制的；这完全取决于你什么时候认为自己够了，什么时候觉得自己还不够。 你想要什么后果. Sometimes a bit of immaturity and exaggeration is fine, if you are aware of it, if you don’t hurt other people with such behavior, and if you can keep it in line instead of being controlled by it.

The decision is always yours, and so are the consequences (even if some of the consequences might influence other people first). If you really enjoy drama and fighting, by all means continue. Be aware, however, that this is your choice and do not blame people who will rather choose not to be around you – or those who strike back.

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