寻求接受

Did you ever feel fully seen and accepted – 欢迎 – just as you are, here and now? Perhaps you’d agree that it’s a feeling that rivals falling in love in some ways. Yet, not only few people in this world really have a chance to experience this, but few people even recognize it’s what they need most.

Some of us might have had such an experience in the first year of two of our lives, but too early to recall. Some might’ve not even felt it at that age, which probably means they developed some kind of 连接问题这也增加了今后建立这种关系的难度。即使我们处于一段美好的爱情关系中，也常常会发现它更多地是基于投射、移情或单纯的性吸引，而不是对对方的真正认可。在这种情况下，我们可能会下意识地感觉到这一点，这使得我们在恋爱时也更难完全放松。

你能想象受到欢迎的感觉吗？对我来说，描述这种感觉的好词是 避难所; At least a temporary shelter and release of all the stress, conflict and ugly news we face day by day. Sadly, few people feel like this even within their families – and even fewer people know how to give it to others.

Once you recognize it’s a feeling you want, you might increase your expectations of others and be even more dissapointed. Be aware that 没人欠你的. This kind of acceptance can only be offered, not demanded. Seek people who already have this attitude and ability, rather than people you’d have to prod and beg to accept you.

面具与真我

如果你想让别人看到你的真面目，你就必须展示出来。 Some people wear a mask of toughness, and later are surprised and complain if others don’t see the warmth inside them. Many people wear a mask they believe is socially expected – and if 面具获得批准 and praise, they feel lonely and unseen as who they truly are. People cannot and don’t have to read your mind (even if our instincts are quite fine-tuned to reading non-verbal signals).

如果您习惯戴口罩，也许是时候改掉这个习惯了，至少从选定的朋友和家人开始。一开始你可能会觉得不自在，但 it’s likely that your real self will be more interesting and lively than any mask you are used to, and therefore more attractive. No matter what you do and what kind of person you are, there will always be people who will approve of you and people who’ll criticize you. Why not let go of your mask then, so at least you can connect to people who like the true you? (Just make sure that you express 做最好的自己 并在此过程中不伤害他人）。

同样、 有舍才有得. Do you try to see people beyond their looks and their masks? Even beyond their mistakes and faults? (Don’t exaggerate with the latter, though, and confuse seeing people’s potential with neglecting your boundaries.) There are people who are truly mean and selfish, but the majority is just confused and damaged by unhealthy environment.

保持平衡

过高的期望会适得其反, both of yourself and others. Stress, lack of time, accumulated unpleasant experience and disappointment, instincts that might be overly alert to potential danger… to be accepting of other people might make you feel vulnerable, especially if you are emotionaly sensitive. Most other people have similar obstacles, too.

然而，我们至少可以从尝试全面看待我们周围的人开始，不仅仅是看到他们的外表，还要看到他们的内心；不仅仅是看到他们所表达的行为和情绪，还要看到产生这种情绪和行为的原因。一旦认识到这一点，接受就会变得更容易。

但要注意保持平衡。注意 acceptance of others doesn’t mean neglecting yourself and ignoring possible problems. It’s perfectly possible to be primarily focused on recognizing the good in people, while still having firm boundaries and being able to say, “No.”. It’s only important that you can do it in a friendly and respectful way.

You might feel that it’s difficult to find people who would see and accept who you are (especially if you are an introvert or shy). In that case, start with 接纳自己.毕竟 你永远只能完全依靠自己.即使从别人那里得到的认可会让你感到更轻松和愉悦，但外部经验很少能带来持久的内在改变。真正的改变发生在你能够接纳自己，认识到自己的核心，而不是相信从别人那里听到的或仍然听到的贬低自己的评论。然后，你才能 遁入空门 – and such a refuge is forever.

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