Question: My child is 9 months old, and I’m realizing (perhaps too late) that I don’t like being a parent. No part of taking care of my daughter appeals to me. I try to play with her, but if I don’t get a response, I give up. I feel like I’m not cut out for this kind of life. I can’t relate to all the happy parents out there posting about how wonderful it is to have kids. I feel like there’s something wrong with me. What can I do?
Answer: Just like every other biological instinct, the parental instinct isn’t equally strong in everyone. So, even if you are in the minority, you’re still normal. What you wrote shows that you do care about being a responsible parent, which is essential.
Biological diversity isn’t always kind. Practically everyone has traits that make life more difficult. Beating yourself up doesn’t help; it only adds more stress. So let’s look at how you can approach this constructively.
First, practice being kind to yourself and offering yourself emotional support and compassion. This can significantly boost your morale and mental health. Pay attention to your inner monologue and strive to keep it kind and compassionate. Practice self-love. Whenever you have a free moment, do something you enjoy, even if it’s just a few minutes of reading, dancing, or listening to music. Without self-care, you can’t give much to others.
Second, remember that your daughter isn’t to blame for your feelings. While your emotions are understandable, it’s crucial to separate them from your perception of her. When we feel bad, it’s natural to look for someone to blame. You might feel an urge to blame her, but that would only make things worse for both of you in the long run.
It is possible that some of your struggles stem from your childhood experiences. As a child, were you expected to take responsibility for other children, or perhaps even for an adult in your family? Were you often forced to put yourself last and meet the demands of others? This could have left unresolved feelings in you that may be resurfacing now that you once again need to care for someone with significant needs. Our online coaching can help you uncover and resolve these imprints.
Things might get easier in a few years when she’ll be able to understand you. Keep in mind that the current situation is temporary. As soon as she’s old enough to understand, make sure she knows it’s not her fault if you’re tired, short on time, or low on energy. Reassure her that she is a good and lovable person, even if you are not in the mood to join her in certain activities.
It’s worth investing time now in learning how to discipline children and resolve conflicts constructively. This way, they won’t lose trust or connection with you, saving you time and energy later. There are plenty of books (such as those by Harvey Karp) and other resources available online. Even if you don’t like being a parent, investing time and energy now can prevent endless conflicts in the future.
Speaking of saving time, it benefits both you and your daughter if she learns early on to contribute to daily chores. Many children are curious and willing to help as early as age four. Avoid the common mistake of expecting her to do chores alone when she’s young. Instead, find ways to make chores playful and turn them into “together-time.” This can help her develop a positive attitude toward them.
Explore activities that might keep your child occupied for longer periods without her feeling neglected. Many parents share ideas and experiences online, and this will become easier as she gets older.
If you help your daughter discover what she truly enjoys (which can start around the age of three), she might spend a lot of time happily engaged in those activities, only needing occasional encouragement and approval from you. For example, she might enjoy drawing, dancing, physical games, or even reading. Some children learn to read quite early and enjoy it?if they’re not pushed. I don’t remember it, but I was told my grandmother taught me to read by tracing the words in storybooks with her finger as she read to me. I quickly became an avid reader, partly because nobody pushed me to do it.
Are there other people your daughter can happily spend time with or who can help you with chores? What about your partner or parents? Your in-laws? At the very least, your partner should be willing to be an equally involved parent. We’re social beings because raising a child is so demanding; nature didn’t intend for us to do it alone.
Lastly, while excessive screen time and video games are often frowned upon, in your situation, they might be “the lesser of two evils,” at least some of the time. Just be sure to monitor the content your daughter is exposed to and explain to her why some content may be harmful. If you are honest with her, she’ll have reason to trust you. Children often understand more and earlier than we expect.
In conclusion, it’s important to acknowledge that parenting doesn’t come naturally to everyone, and that’s perfectly normal. Rather than focusing on feelings of guilt or inadequacy, prioritize self-care and compassion. A positive mental attitude is essential, even as you acknowledge and accept unpleasant feelings. Creative thinking, constructive communication, and seeking help from others can improve things in both the short and long term.
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