如何向孩子们传授道德价值观，同时又不会让他们太过恼火？

Most of us want an ethical and happy society around us, so we want our children to be kind and constructive members of the society, too. On the other hand, it seems many parents expect their kids to develop morals spontaneously, without investing too much time into it. It is still rare to see parents teach children moral values ​​patiently, calmly, and respectfully.  Shouting, belittling, manipulation, impatience, even insults are much more common. In this way, children are taught to follow rules, but not 为什么 这些规则是有价值的。

When we grow up, it can be difficult to remember how we felt and thought as kids. It seems even harder to open a couple of books and explore what is realistic to expect at what age. Younger children can feel (limited) empathy, understand the consequences in the form of reward and punishment, and follow the parental example. But a more abstract understanding and a broader perspective of moral values ​​develops on average only during adolescence, and this too is often a slow and conflicted process.

We would all like our children to be reasonable, considerate and compassionate, but it’s easy to forget that neither we at their age had the necessary experience nor the level of development. Of course, some children have more innate empathy and more desire to cooperate than others, but even such children take many years to reach a level of understanding parents often consider self-evident. The development of the human brain in all its complexity cannot be accelerated by force – but it can be stimulated and guided.

If parents teach children moral values ​​in an authoritarian, simplistic way, children may be rigid and close-minded as adults. They may be unconsciously afraid to broaden their perspective and adjust their judgment to a complex situation. They can learn to ignore empathy and understanding in favor of rigid rules, especially if their parents did the same. Some of these children may develop hidden defiance and unhealthy resistance to discipline, which may make their lives more difficult later. Perhaps most importantly, such children lose trust in their parents and will not want to turn to them when faced with more difficult and complex dilemmas.

另一方面 children need guidance because without parental influence they can develop more slowly and randomly, especially considering all the toxic influences they may be exposed to through the mass media. But that guidance needs to be patient, flexible, and interesting, given the child’s desire for fun and limited attention span. Don’t expect quick results 请始终牢记，您播下的种子可能需要数年才能长成参天大树。

It is normal for children to experiment with some unpleasant behaviors sometimes, in order to explore themselves and the the consequences of such behavior. Experience is the fastest way to learn. It would be a mistake to take this as a sign that things have gone wrong and that the child has a bad character. Maybe you too used to spray people with water from a window, or provoked others in various ways, maybe you stole something … simply out of lack of awareness and understanding, or out of a desire for excitement, rather than out of deliberate malice.

How to teach children moral values: practice

1. 1. • 以身作则, especially by your behavior towards them. It’s a good idea to briefly and simply explain the motivation of your behavior (I want to understand you, I want you to feel good), as well as ask them how they feel about some of your behavior. Likewise, try to explain the feelings of others to them succinctly and simply. Children who experience understanding and compassion will learn to appreciate their value.
   • • 同样、 在与儿童交流时，最大限度地保持正直。 Don’t lie to them, evade answers, behave unpredictably or manipulatively. Even if you think they wouldn’t understand the truth, still try to explain it to them in a simpler way. Kids usually find it easier to accept an honest explanation that they don’t fully understand, but feel that your nonverbal communication is sincere, than when they feel you are pulling yourself out and distracting them. And they might surprise you with their understanding sometimes.
       如果你在某种情况下无法做到完全公平，承认这一点并向他们解释原因。承认自己的缺点和错误、 don’t pretend to be perfect or that you can’t be wrong. If you are proud of your integrity, children will learn that too.
   • • 更多关注 表扬可取的行为 rather than criticizing the undesirable, though the latter is sometimes necessary too. Explain why some behavior is desirable or not, rather than just calling it good or bad. Be concise, don’t give kids long lectures that would bore them.
   • • 奖惩 有时是必要的，但要避免过度使用。如果你这样做了，孩子们可能会学会寻求外部而不是内部的激励。
   • • 允许您的孩子（在合理和适当的范围内）： 1. 将错就错 – especially if they ignore your warnings. For example, allow a milder fall, scratch, ridicule, or if they hit someone, to be hit back. Don’t rub their noses in it, but calmly ask them what they could learn from it.
   • • When you see someone behaving in an unreasonable or reckless way, ask your children (not necessarily on the spot) what they think about it, and then – briefly – explain to them how and why it is not a good choice (e.g. what the world would look like if all people behaved that way). You can also have such conversations about movies that children watch, but be careful not to overdo it and stop when you notice that they are losing focus.
   • 与孩子们一起玩耍 鼓励合作、自我控制和换位思考的游戏 (You can find a lot of ideas online). Most games teach children at least to follow agreed upon rules, tolerate frustration, and resolve conflicts. You can explain to young kids that they can’t change rules in the middle of a game, and that the sky will not fall on their heads if they lose. With older children, you can organize “ 头脑风暴 ” or 辩论 on various issues. It’s best to mix ethical, communication, and emotional problems with practical and even humorous problems, for balance. If you want to further motivate the kids, you can (occasionally) promise a prize for the best idea or the best argument in the debate.

   有的孩子会比较容易，有的孩子则比较困难，但这一点对所有人都适用：慢慢来！

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