儿童需要挑战

是什么激发了足智多谋？

在工作中，我们经常注意到 来自问题家庭、混乱家庭的人往往很早就能开发出重要的生活资源: for example intelligence (in order to understand confusing situations and to find a way out of such situations), perseverance, inner strength, ability to cope with difficulties, sensibility, empathy, sense of humor (as a way of relieving one’s own and other people’s unpleasant emotions, or as a strategy of finding one’s place within a group).

Likewise, it can be frequently noticed that children who grow up in protective families which provide everything they can, grow up into average and often not particularly strong and confident people. Sometimes they can become egotistic and spoiled people, as it can be seen especially in the last several decades when “children first” is a prevalent attitude and many parents neglect the need to set boundaries and teach the child to cooperate. (This unbalanced attitude is partly a reaction to “adults first” approach of past decades and centuries – and health is in balancing everybody’s needs.)

Of course, this is not a rule, but it happens a lot. Every family is a complex whole, and the child’s experiences are multidimensional. There are no mathematical criteria according to which all influences and their consequences for a child could be organized. Likewise, the same kind of influence can cause different consequences, of which some are unpleasant, and some are useful and important: chaos and traumas can trigger the development of the above mentioned resources and positive features as a way to survive, but at the same time they can cause lasting fear, anger, guilt and a negative self-image. Parental care and attention can create a feeling that we are worthy and acceptable, but also average or below average abilities, motivation and self-confidence on the other hand, due to lack of challenges. As in the case of most individual and global life circumstances, 后果从来都不是非黑即白的, but always a combination of the “positive” and “negative”.

许多人强烈 受父母保护 他们说，这种保护使他们没有安全感，而且 不胜其扰 with challenges, since they didn’t have much chance to experience whether they were able to cope with unpleasant situations, or to practice resourcefulness and creativity. On the other hand, nobody would like to be in the shoes of those who suffered neglect, abuse or ridicule. Such people know very well that they had to pay a high price for their inner strength, by acquiring some unpleasant patterns.

Don’t worry – you don’t have to neglect or traumatize your children so that they would become resourceful. With some awareness and effort, you can enable your children to “have their cake and eat it”. What is important are not strong and frequent 令人不快 经验，但重要和频繁的 挑战. This is what families who protect their children often lack: they may neglect the children’s need to face challenging situations which would stimulate their hidden resources.

塑造挑战

你可以通过挑战来激发孩子的思考力、感知力、灵敏度和力量，同时对孩子给予关爱和关注。关键在于让孩子 情感支持同时让他们尽可能多地完成具有挑战性的任务。

You’ll need to adjust the challenges to the stage of the children’s development, to target approximately the upper limit of their current abilities, exceeding just a little their “zone of comfort”, enough to make it problematic and not easy, but not so difficult for the children to get discouraged and start doubting themselves. Children do it spontaneously, always reaching a little higher, always trying to get a little further and better. Observe your children carefully in order to find out if a challenge suits them. If the child is at least partially interested and motivated, you can continue. If you notice that they show strong sings of stress or fear, it’s a good idea to postpone the task and find another, easier one.

提供 多种挑战 尽可能：从 物理 ones (dressing, tying shoes, including children in household work – don’t give them your fragile china to clean, though), 知识分子 (e.g. buy a book of puzzles or games that require thinking, teach the child to read or to speak a foreign language as early as possible – a two or three-year old child can slowly get used to recognizing letters, and at the age of four many children are ready to start reading), up to 社会 任务（解决与关系和沟通有关的问题）。 把这些挑战变成游戏尽可能经常

Avoid offering ready-made solutions to the child. It’s better to help the child think about possible solutions by asking sub-questions. Encourage them to create 尽可能多的解决方案, e.g. “Johnny is mocked by other children at school. Think about at least 10 different things that Johnny could do about it.” Follow the children’s thinking process and help them with 分问题 such as: “Which unpleasant consequences can you think of? Who other could you include? What is important to know about other children and why are they doing what they are doing? Have you forgotten something? Can some of these solutions be improved?” Be gentle with those questions and don’t push so much to discourage the child.

更聪明地工作，而不是更努力地工作

Certainly, lack of time is a problem for many parents. However, you do not have to sit the entire day with your children asking them such questions. It’s enough to have such conversations during other daily tasks, and to take advantage of situations when your child has a real problem. You can use time during lunch breaks at work or the ride back home from work to think about new challenges for your children.

让孩子们偶尔受伤、刮伤或烧伤, especially if they ignore your warnings (use common sense and make sure there is no risk of serious injury, though). This won’t have long term emotional consequences, but the children will learn reasonable caution and to assess their abilities and the consequences of their actions more accurately. Avoid attempting – except in situations of serious bullying – to solve their conflicts with other children instead of them. Children are 得住 with the unpleasantness of these conflicts – actually, many people go through much more difficult social experiences as children than as adults – quite successfully, if they have your 情感支持和鼓励.

However, you can help them to think about these conflicts and their possible solutions. If your children are fighting amongst themselves, avoid acting like a judge by random punishments, but don’t ignore them either. (A good question to ask might be: “What would you do now if you were in my place?”帮助他们讨论自己的感受和愿望。如果一个孩子总是欺负另一个孩子，你可能需要给他更多的保护，但首先要考虑是什么促使后者使用暴力。

Avoid trying to make your child’s life easier in terms of daily tasks. As soon as they can do something – eat, dress, do their homework … – avoid doing it for them, as much as possible. It helps if you 合办 – this makes the tasks less boring and builds your relationship. Emotional support and acceptance are the most important. Avoid verbal or non-verbal criticism, except when it’s needed (but avoid undeserved praise, too). You will make your child’s and your own life easier – the child’s in the long term, and yours both short and long term.

如果您的孩子对 阅读请尽一切可能予以鼓励。 Reading provides a wealth of valuable “second-hand experience”在阅读的过程中，你可以获得如何面对挑战的洞察力和想法。阅读还提供了许多机会 体验和探索情感 安全的环境中。这有助于儿童与自我建立更好的关系。当然，阅读还能丰富常识和复杂的思维。但一定要选择孩子们喜欢的书，强迫他们阅读可能会造成他们终生的抵触情绪。再次，尽可能以身作则。 

运用你的智慧

在我看来，父母的职责不是 生产 孩儿喜. The key to parenting is to teach children how to 创建 幸福 尽管存在问题和挑战。这可以通过以身作则，以及在孩子们遇到问题时在情感和智力上给予支持来实现。

父母的角色并不总是提供解决方案，而是 教导、鼓励并使儿童能够找到自己的解决方案 考虑到他们的年龄和情况，尽可能经常地进行适当的教育。 

健康父母的另一个角色是鼓励孩子相信 一切都会好起来的 即使遇到困难。如果孩子们在成年后能得到这种情感上的安慰和鼓励，并接受适当的挑战，那么他们即使在重压之下也能保持机智。 

有太多的父母试图保护他们的孩子免受问题和挫折的困扰。另一方面，问题和挫折也是一种动力。它们促使孩子开发自己的资源。只有当你不坚持认为孩子应该一直快乐时，你才能帮助他们找到长期的快乐。

As with all life advice, use your common sense when making decisions. Don’t exaggerate. Find balance. Listen to your gut. And relax. Even if you were a perfect parent, it wouldn’t be good for your child.

通过这些方式，您可以付出额外的努力和认识，帮助您的孩子打下坚实的基础，为创造全方位的高品质生活奠定坚实的基石。

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