Children and Money – Setting Boundaries

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Children who have not yet become familiar with the way money works (but also those who have) have endless requests and wishes. Just as they wish to see, touch and experience everything they see in their surroundings, objects in shop windows and advertisements lure them as well. Manufacturers and marketing experts dedicate a lot of time and effort to unscrupulous strategies for luring children to desire their product. They know that many parents cannot easily refuse their children’s requests and that they will often spend money on the child, rather than themselves. Even if some parents are not like this, if the child desires something strongly enough, his persistent pleas sooner or later may cause the parents to give in just to get some peace.

At the beginning, children know no sense of limits and believe that money comes “from ATMs”, just as many children believe that food comes from supermarkets before somebody teaches them about reality. For a small child, the money flow system can be too complex to comprehend, and they can be shocked and hurt by the fact that so many interesting things remain beyond their reach. It is almost impossible to avoid this disappointment completely; however, you can mitigate it by a wise approach.

当父母由于他们的 恐惧、羞愧或内疚 related to the issue of money, attempt to shut up their children’s wishes and requests as soon as possible, to avoid their own unpleasant feelings. For example, if a mother feels guilty to say “No”, she might defend herself by anger and induce guilt into the child. Often, parents start to use 操纵性方法: criticism, guilt or playing a victim. The younger the child, and the more intense the manipulation, the more likely it will generate unpleasant impressions and feelings regarding money. That can lead to the children’s unhealthy behavior as adults; ranging from spending their entire lives in a victimy attitude, to greed and rapacity.

If your financial situation is average, you will have to limit the number of children’s requests which you will satisfy, especially considering the quantity of attractive offers on the market. However, we recommend it even if you are wealthy, to avoid that your child becomes a 消费社会的奴隶在媒体的操纵下，儿童的注意力集中在外部的物质物品上。儿童容易吸收大众传媒的操纵性信息，并被五颜六色的包装所吸引。与此同时，儿童还感到他们没有得到足够的 健康的关爱 (在工业社会中，如果父母工作时间长，回家后压力大，这些需求往往难以满足）很容易形成对外部物品的依赖，而这些物品将 将他们的注意力从内心的空虚中吸引出来.

当同龄群体中的孩子争权夺利时，这个问题就会变得更加严重。有些孩子会专注于 外部示强. Children can make life almost unbearable and cause many traumas to those who cannot or do not want to buy status symbols. Sometimes school bullies choose as their victims the very children who do not display external symbols of wealth such as branded sneakers or clothes. However, you will notice that the lack of status symbols is frequently only an excuse, and the main child’s features for which he is terrorized are insecurity and shyness. 无论身份象征的数量有多少，个性鲜明的自信者都会受到重视在成人和儿童中都是如此。

关于金钱和消费主义的交流

While children are still small, it’s important to do everything in your power to set healthy boundaries, but without making children feel that they are helpless, that their wishes are not heard and that they have to expect scarcity. The main goal is to develop in children a healthy 觉得自己有能力 他们的愿望理应得到考虑，并且能够 区分真正让她快乐的内心深处的愿望和肤浅的愿望 环境的影响。

尽可能简单地向孩子解释，货币是人们交换产品的方式。为了避免有些人只工作，有些人只索取，金钱是实现平衡的方式，也是对投入生产的时间和工作的尊重。我们并不是生活在一个理想的世界里，因此，要试着向孩子解释，许多人对金钱有着病态、扭曲的观念。这导致了挣扎、谎言和不公正，因此，不幸的是，大多数人没有得到他们工作应得的钱。可以说，很多人都学会了相信自己不可能取得更好的成就，这就是为什么他们一直处于这样的环境中，而其他人却占了他们的便宜。

你可以告诉孩子，由于社会或生活中的某些情况，你暂时无法满足他们的某些愿望，但是 他们将来能够实现这些愿望, if they gain enough knowledge and invest enough time and effort. In that way you reduce the children’s disappointment and increase their motivation to be creative.

The next key issue that needs attention, is to familiarize the child with the ways in which some people try to manipulate him. Explain to him that there are many people who are so unhealthy that for them it’s more important to have more and more money than to produce good quality, and sometimes they don’t even care if they will harm other people emotionally or physically, or even cause their death. Explain to the child that often these very people have the greatest influence on others, since they do not hesitate to con and manipulate, and frequently they succeed in making people believe them. You can tell children that such people will try to convince them that they are worth less, or that they will not feel good if they don’t buy all kinds of products. Tell them that these people intentionally strive to arouse in children a strong desire for worthless, even harmful products, that they try to make children feel bad (frightened, lacking, not good enough) and to install a belief that they would feel better if they bought certain products.

When you shop together, draw the child’s attention to the attractive packaging and appearance of a product, and then to its quality. When you watch or read commercials, 提请他们注意操纵性信息 并向他们解释这些信息是如何选择的，其目的是什么。孩子们和任何健康的成年人一样，会逐渐感觉到某些事情是不对的、 他们将学会识别谎言 and misleading messages. Likewise, they can feel what is healthy and sincere. However, small children need help and support in order to learn to recognize, value and consciously analyze this inborn instinct. Without other people’s guidance, this inner voice can be choked in the flood of manipulative commercials.

真实愿望

The next lesson for the child is to learn to distinguish and separate superficial, temporary or “false” wishes from those deep, joyful, true ones. Whenever you can, 教会您的孩子停下来，将注意力转向内部，倾听自己的身体和感受. Ask them what kind of feeling they have about a specific wish. Is it deep and happy, or “shallow”? Is there any unpleasant feeling connected to this wish – fear, urgency, insecurity, anger, greed? Ask them to imagine that they have already received the desired object, that they have been playing with it for several days or weeks already. When they imagine it, do they have a feeling that this object would 让他们长期幸福还是很快就会被遗忘？

根据他们的年龄，试着向他们解释，很多人都希望得到物质上的东西，以为这样就能获得内心的美好感受，但这是行不通的，因为 他们寻找的情感必须来自内心, not from the outside. Ask your children how they thinks they would feel if they receive the desired object, what kind of satisfaction would it cause them to feel? Tell them that by careless purchases, a pile of garbage is being created which burdens the planet, which is already polluted, and that it’s important to choose those things which he is not going to discard so soon.

一开始 don’t expect the child to give entirely sincere answers, since children may not want to give answers that might cause them to give up what they desire, or they are simply unable to be aware of everything they feel. Eventually, be ready to gently, but in a determined way, make your own decision. However, your goal in this communication is long-term – to help children 逐渐养成向自己提出此类问题的习惯 and to listen to their deepest feelings. Even if they refuse, even if they don’t seem to listen to your words, if repeated, those words will stay with them until time and experience teaches them to appreciate your lessons.

实用方法

If you buy a toy and soon enough you find it discarded or destroyed, take advantage of this situation to instruct the child additionally about superficial wishes. Avoid inducing guilt and “didn’t I tell you”. Many times, children will best 前车之鉴, just like each one of us. Ask children how they feel about that object now, and tell them to compare that feeling with the earlier strong desire. Ask them what kind of feeling they were looking for (pleasure, fun, self-worth…), and whether they have an idea how to develop such a feeling from the inside, instead of through material objects. Do not expect instant results, but expect children to embrace such a way of thinking when they have gained enough experience to truly understand it.

Think about how much money you are ready to spend monthly to satisfy your children’s wishes. 准备好满足他们的某些愿望, regardless of how they may seem insignificant or short lived. The fact is that even some of your wishes are not especially wise, deep or vitally important, still you enjoy fulfilling them. Try not to create a feeling of deprivation in your child, as if he was a “second-class citizen” by belittling their wishes while fulfilling yours.

随后、 给孩子选择权告诉他们，如果事先决定了可以花多少钱，他们就可以在自己的愿望中选择最重要的愿望。同时，引导他们倾听自己身体的声音，看看自己想要获得什么样的感觉。这将教会他们分清轻重缓急，做出理财决定。随着时间的推移，您可以开始给孩子零花钱，让他们从自己的独立决定中学习。不过，一开始他们需要您的帮助和控制。

同伴压力

当孩子到了上学的年龄，你最好已经花了一些时间来培养这些习惯。这样，孩子就更容易 抗压.当然，生活很少是完美的，也许真正的挑战正在等着你：在这个对孩子施加最大压力，让他们屈服于物质主义的社会里，如何避免使用有毒的教育方法，如何帮助孩子树立健康的金钱观。

但是，如果你能成功地教会孩子抵制同伴的压力和操纵、 他们可能会感到孤立无援, different, and other children might not be too accepting of them. But what is more important: to secure acceptance of shallow environment, or to have emotional health and self-awareness? If you find it too important for your child to be accepted or popular, you might indirectly encourage them to be emotionally shallow and create unfulfilling relationships, which doesn’t bring true and lasting happiness. On the other hand, children who feel rejected by their peers are risking self-esteem problems and might later be all too aware of all the shallowness in the society to fit in. Yet such people can be much happier within their own narrow circle of friends and genuine relationships. 

So use your wisdom to find balance. It’s not a good idea for your children to be too different – bullies might even find it an excuse for abuse – but teaching them some non-conformism, emotional independence and wider perspective can only help them later in life. 以轻松、自信的方式教会他们与众不同.自信的局外人往往会被认为很酷，而不是很弱。教他们学会选择自己的朋友，同时注重观察表面之下，识别真正的品质。最后、 父母的情感支持比什么都重要 在帮助孩子处理他们不可避免会经历的痛苦和不公正时，我们还能做些什么呢？ 

Let’s say that your children are mocked by their peers because they wear non-brand sneakers. The conversation with your child could unfold more or less like this:

儿童:爸爸妈妈，请给我买这双运动鞋！

家长:这些鞋真的很贵。有很多不同品牌的运动鞋质量相同，但价格更低，而且你很快就会穿不上。

儿童:但学校里其他人都穿着这样的运动鞋！

家长:你有什么想法/感受？(较小的孩子可能难以回答如此直接的问题，因此要随时准备帮助他们）。你认为穿什么牌子的运动鞋重要吗？

儿童: But other children make fun of me because I don’t have them. They tell me my parents must be some losers! Nobody wants to play with me!

家长 (show respect and sympathy and adjust your words to the child’s age): It is really tough to hear and suffer this every day. I wish to help you, but there are several reasons which make me feel bad when it comes to the purchase of these sneakers.

First, the manufacturers of these sneakers try to create such an atmosphere, in which everybody must have them to avoid being ridiculed. This enables them to set such a high price, so they can take advantage of people to the fullest. I don’t want to accept this and I don’t want you to learn to accept this. Moreover, these manufacturers frequently abuse people in poor countries, even children, forcing them to work almost like slaves in order to reduce their costs.
Second, I am afraid those children may convince you that your value depends on what you wear. These are sick ideas and I don’t want you to accept them. Sneakers have no value. It is important what the person is like inside and how he treats other people. I don’t want you to forget this.
你认为自己有足够的力量不听他们的话，不允许他们强迫你对自己产生不好的感觉吗？

儿童: I don’t want to listen to them, but I can’t help feeling bad when they treat me like that!

家长: Certainly you won’t be happy because of that, but can you stand it? Or do you feel that they are right, that they know you better than you know yourself? That they really see you? Do you think they are more valuable, better people, because they wear such sneakers?

儿童:没有，但是

家长:你认为是什么让他们做出这样的行为？他们这样做的目的是什么？他们为什么需要这样？(问这些问题时要温和，不要苛求，帮助孩子找到答案）。如果你穿上这双运动鞋，你认为他们真的会看得起你吗？

儿童: I know, but I would still like these sneakers. I don’t want them to make fun of me.

家长: If it is too hard for you, I can buy them. But I think that, if you can stand it, you can develop great strength and become your own person, instead of following them. They will not love or respect you, no matter what you are wearing, since the problem is in their sick beliefs. If you buy the sneakers, they will find something else to mock about you. They might start to make fun of you because of your clothes, then because of your mobile phone…eventually you’ll be spending a great amount of money just to become accepted by those who you do not like to begin with. Are there any other children who are not like that, with whom you could connect? Do you have any idea how you can respond to those children when they make fun of you? (Help the child to create ideas).

I have intentionally left the ending of the conversation open, since there is never only one solution. Maybe you will still buy the sneakers if the peer pressure makes your child’s life truly unbearable and traumatic. The purpose of such a conversation is not to win the argument; the purpose is to teach your children different values, so that they learn to think for themselves and put other people’s words in perspective.

您的孩子越健康，越真正珍视自己，他们就越容易理解和接受这样的事情。但是，如果他们已经经历过某些创伤，缺乏自尊，也许再多的理性对话也无济于事。那么，花时间 以健康的方式向他们表达爱和尊重在这种情况下，足够长的时间会产生新的潜意识印象和新的自动反应。

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