“Why Don’t People Like Me?” Overcome Loneliness

导言

The Internet and modern technologies are often blamed for the modern “epidemic of loneliness”. Although they certainly contribute, the trend of separation and loneliness existed even before them, wherever people had the material conditions for a separate life. This is no accident; people certainly have good reasons for such decisions. It is no coincidence that many people want to escape from small communities or even from their own families. Many wanted it in previous generations, too; they just didn’t have the means.

The fact is that in practically every family, neighborhood or any group of people, there are always toxic people who make everyone’s life miserable – and somehow they usually manage to overpower the rest. As our criteria for healthy behavior grows along with financial opportunities, more and more people have the opportunity to choose whether to stay in such communities or leave them. Each of these two choices has advantages and disadvantages, but more and more people consider loneliness a lesser evil than daily exposure to toxic communication, if not worse forms of abuse.

Yet along with the toxic aspects of a small community, when we leave it we also give up the healthy ones: a sense of belonging, safety in the group and emotional stimulation. It would be ideal to find a group of friends, or create our own family, in which we’d have all of that, without toxic people. But a large number of people face the experience that it is not very easy either. In fact, in both Europe and the USA, loneliness is a more widespread phenomenon among young people than among older generations.

“Am I the problem?”

这不再是一个随便找个人共度时光的问题，而是要找到高质量的、合得来的人。统计数字表明，在实践中，这显然不是一件容易的事，尤其是对于性格比较孤僻、情感比较敏感的人来说，更是难上加难。

孤独会深深影响自尊。许多人选择留在有毒的人际关系和社区中，就是因为害怕孤独。他们最害怕的通常是感觉自己不被需要，感觉自己不有趣，感觉自己的孤独是自己造成的。选择孤独作为较小的罪恶的人也无法避免所有这些恐惧。他们孤独的时间越长，就越会怀疑自己的价值和能否引起他人的兴趣。

Facing all these fears and taking an honest, objective look at oneself and one’s own life can also be scary. We may fear that we will discover that we are a worse or less interesting person than we thought, which of course would be extremely painful. Such fears are usually exaggerated, but that doesn’t mean there aren’t things we could change and improve. So, if you’re ready, let’s explore it in a little more detail.

首先 任何简单化、非黑即白的思维通常来自童年. How many times have you heard children say, or complained as a child yourself: “Why doesn’t anyone love me?” When children feel that their closest environment does not understand and does not hear them, at that moment such an oversimplified conclusion seems real in the child’s head. Like many other feelings from childhood, this one can be awakened in similar circumstances. It is good to be aware that 这不是成年人的观点 它来自过去。

其次，你质疑自己这一事实本身就表明，你可能是一个比你所担心的更好的人。低质量的人很少，如果有的话，很少觉得有必要质疑自己。事实上，在我的印象中，低质量的人很少感到孤独，尽管你可能会这么想。他们与谁交往的标准并不高，所以他们很容易就会和与自己相似的人在一起。此外，许多人还会通过操纵、恐惧和其他策略来瓦解他人的精神，设法将至少一部分家人与自己捆绑在一起。

当我们意识到上述问题时，我们就可以把造成孤独的其他原因分为与我们有关的原因和与社会有关的原因。

我们自身的原因

你是否表现得平易近人？ 你会注视他人的眼睛吗？你的面部表情和声音友好吗？你的举止是否轻松开放？这些微小的信号，或者缺乏这些信号，都会鼓励或阻碍别人向你敞开心扉。很多人都没有意识到他们的非语言交流中有很大一部分是不自觉的冷漠。

你对他人的兴趣表现得足够明显吗？ 也许这篇文章最重要的信息是 如果人们觉得你喜欢他们，他们就会喜欢你.如果你对别人感兴趣，别人也会对你感兴趣。害羞和孤僻的人在别人看来往往很傲慢，因为他们会不自觉地压抑自己的兴趣，即使他们感觉到了。

你是不是太紧张了？ No matter how understandable and justified the cause of your tension is, people do not feel relaxed when they are in the company of people who seem tense, so it is harder to want the company of such a person. If the cause of the tension is too intense to be temporarily forgotten while you are with someone, it can be good to “preventively” explain to these people that it has nothing to do with them. If you clear something up right at the beginning that others would otherwise sense through your non-verbal speech, people can relax instead of making their own unspoken assumptions (which are often a reflection of their fears).

你是否太消极了？ 抱怨和共同发泄不满对某些人来说意味着相互支持，但任何事情都有其局限性。如果你对周围世界的大部分评论都是抱怨或批评，其他人可能会因此感到负担沉重，并怀疑你是否也在暗中批评他们。

你会给其他人空间吗？ People who are loud and talkative are not often lonely; many people like talkative people because with them they “know what they’re thinking” and can avoid potentially uncomfortable silence. But still, if others can’t get a word in, if you don’t pay attention to other people’s opinions, if you’re primarily interested in what you have to say, if you jump in other people’s words and the like, that will be too much for most.

你主动吗？ Do you try to meet new people, start and maintain communication with them, get out of your “comfort zone?” Just like your dream job won’t fall into your lap by itself, neither will your dream friends.

你真实吗？ 让别人觉得你无趣（如果不是令人讨厌的话）的最好办法就是假装自己不是什么东西，因为这样你充其量只能是别人的一个苍白的复制品，而且你很可能是死板的、可预见的，也就是说，你只是在重复人们对某个角色的期望。

你是否（以健康的方式）表达自己的情感？ Hiding your authentic feelings, similar to the above paragraph, makes you appear empty and without individuality. On the other hand, the problem with expressing feelings is that many people are taught to express feelings in unhealthy ways, so when they try to be “spontaneous” it can have the opposite effect. True spontaneity is not unhealthy, but healthy behavior, but to find how to express this we often have to feel what is happening inside us beneath the superficial defensive habits.

你是否（无意识地）操纵他人？ Do you expect others to know what you want even if you don’t tell them? Do you blame others if they don’t return your favors exactly the way you imagined? Do you tend to see yourself as a victim? Do you use passive aggression (eg, withdrawal, silent treatment, indirect remarks, toxic humor) to express your feelings and boundaries instead of doing so openly? All of this is behavior that people might not know how to call you out on, but they will feel that it’s not healthy and will want to get away from it.

Do you respect other people’s boundaries? For example, do you tell others what you don’t like about their own apartment? Do you ask for too many favors? Do you ask too personal questions? Do you give unsolicited advice often? If you feel the urge to do any of these things, first reconsider what need it is coming from within you and whether it really brings the desired results.

Do you respond to other people’s non-verbal communication? If you don’t notice or ignore when people find a topic uninteresting, or a question uncomfortable, or they signal to you that you’ve crossed the line, of course it won’t leave a good impression. In most cultures, at least to some extent, there is an expectation that an adult person should be considerate and aware of other people’s boundaries, instead of being warned about them over and over again.

你身边都有哪些人，为什么？ 你是否想在工作或学习中经常见面的人中寻找朋友，尽管你们之间并没有真正的契合点？你是否在寻找可以帮助你避免接触自己、自己的感受和问题的同伴？这样的友谊往往是肤浅的，我经常听到关于背叛信任或不尊重彼此界限的故事。

These are just some of the possibilities, so if you think it might be something else, practice looking at yourself, your non-verbal speech, demeanor and behavior from other people’s perspectives. You can also directly ask other people what kind of impression they have of you, if you have people around you who can tell you this honestly and in good faith.

社会方面

你的活动范围是否过于狭窄？ Most friendships are not created after a short acquaintance, but through longer-term contact and doing things together, which usually means at school, university or at work. But even these are relatively limited environments where it is a matter of chance if there would be people compatible with you. It’s no wonder that many people complain that they don’t have enough friends. The problem is when we don’t have – or don’t create – opportunities to choose where and how we will meet new people. Or even when we do meet people we like, we don’t take initiative to stay in touch with them.

Do you stand out “too much” from your surroundings?
人们往往倾向于那些与自己相似的人，会有意无意地回避那些与众不同的人，即使是正面的。这也是人们常常觉得需要逃离小社区的原因之一。如果你是在一个缺乏教育的环境中的知识分子，如果你是在一个重男轻女的社区中的自尊女性，甚至如果你只是与大多数人有不同的兴趣爱好，你可能会体验到，绝大多数人都会转向那些与他们更相似的人，因为与他们在一起会感到更轻松，也更不用为这些关系投入精力。
That doesn’t mean you should try to be something you’re not in order to be accepted. It is better to invest more effort to find a more compatible company. Sometimes even moving house is the solution.

工作过度.如果您的工作让您没有足够的时间和精力去社交，通常很难找到快速的解决办法。但至少要试着通过定期的简短交流与亲近的人保持联系。

技术.这是一把双刃剑的好例子。你可以强迫性地利用它来回避感受和挑战，也可以有意识地利用它来与那些原本更难接触到的人保持联系，并寻找新的联系对象。

我希望这篇文章能帮助你更好地理解和改变你的处境。如需进一步阅读，我推荐以下文章：

如何克服社交拒绝和尴尬

害怕孤独

对亲密关系的恐惧