什么是年龄回归？

关于年龄倒退的一般概念

After all these years of writing about and working with emotions from childhood, it may finally be time to clarify some more the term I use in virtually every other article. 🙂

Generally, the term “age regression” is used in several different meanings depending on the context and the approach. It is sometimes used as a term for guided visualization or a therapeutic approach that leads a client to discover traumatic childhood memories. In developmental psychology, the term describes periods in which children return to behaviors they have already grown out of, common in earlier stages of development, usually as an attempt to avoid difficulties and challenges in the present. Such a phase can take weeks, even months.

However, in our approach, “age regression” refers to the 唤醒童年情感的日常时刻在某些情况下，我们会想起过去未解决的问题。大多数人都没有意识到他们的某些情绪反应是幼稚的。这种情况在大多数人身上每天都会发生很多次，但大多数时候都不是什么特别重要的事情，只是在环境的触发下产生的短暂而轻微的不适感和不确定感。

当年龄倒退的瞬间强烈到足以对我们对他人或对自己的行为产生负面影响时，它们就会对我们的生活质量产生重要甚至关键的影响。例如，孩子气的愤怒是针对并非真正原因的人的；孩子气的羞耻感或负罪感会让我们感到沮丧、麻木，并导致自食其果的不平衡行为；傲慢掩盖了无意识的孩子气的不足感；害怕为自己挺身而出会受到惩罚；或爱上一个有毒的人（见："孩子气的愤怒是针对并非真正原因的人的；孩子气的羞耻感或负罪感会让我们感到沮丧、麻木，并导致自食其果的不平衡行为"）： 你的潜意识相信什么是爱？) …

进化、生存和学习

The reason for such reactions is that we learn how to survive, how to be human beings, and how to adjust to our surroundings in early childhood, mostly in preschool. Evolution – primarily concerned with survival, not necessarily the quality of life – instilled in us the instinct to trust our parents and our early environment, and to seek their approval and belonging in order to survive. There are also children in which this instinct is less pronounced, but most children have it, and some may have a little too much of it.

We learn how to survive partly by imitating the adults around us and partly through our own experience – often through punishment, criticism, rejection, intimidation and even the violence we experience. A child also conducts many small experiments with his or her own behavior, unconsciously creating a growing database of which behaviors bring the most benefit for the smallest “price”, either physically or emotionally. What conclusions one draws depends largely on the everyday reactions of the environment, but also on our innate instincts such as the instinct of empathy and cooperation (which are not the same in everybody). Based on our accumulated experience in combination with our innate tendencies, we create our habits of spontaneous reactions to the environment.

Every day, whatever happens around us, our subconscious constantly compares the details of the current situation with the rich treasure trove of memories, and how we have learned to survive and avoid discomfort in similar situations in the past. Instead of trying to find an “original” solution in every situation, which would take our time and energy away from various other things, the more experience we have, the more our subconscious relies on previously learned and eventually automated solutions, including emotional reactions.

因此，当我们面对一个让我们想起童年类似事情的情境时，旧有的情绪反应会提醒我们如何学会在类似情境中生存，而这些情绪往往会刺激我们做出自动化的行为。问题是，这些在幼年时期产生和储存的情绪反映了童年时期缺乏经验、错误的结论，而且往往是童年时期与环境相关的劣势（依赖性、身体和智力发育不全）。

That is why childish emotions and reactions are, most of the time, unrealistic, or at least unrealistic in relation to our adult abilities and range of choices, but our brains are most often unaware of this. Too bad evolution didn’t come up with some more adaptable learning principle, but perhaps it could have been worse, too.

如何识别年龄倒退

年龄倒退的最大问题甚至不是情绪不切实际，而是人们通常意识不到实际发生了什么。对自我提升感兴趣的人通常至少对这一基本概念有些了解，尽管在年龄倒退的时刻过去之后，回想起来要比在它们出现的时候更容易识别。但很多人并没有意识到这些，他们可能会非常惊讶地发现，自己的一些（如果不是很多）情绪是不现实的，也是不必要的。

Childish emotions, when they emerge, are usually much more intense than realistic and adult ones. Just as we as children are deeply immersed in our experiences, and our emotions are intense and simple, such intensity and immediacy of emotions are present even as they emerge decades later. It is logical that one would assume that the more intense the emotion, the more realistic it is. But in adulthood, the opposite is usually the case. (Not always, though, as I mentioned in the article “恐惧的礼物 “).

很多人对这一切并不了解，他们相信自己的强烈情绪，通过不必要的冲突（或退缩）、内心的自暴自弃，甚至包括杀人在内的身体报复，不断破坏自己和他人的生活质量。律师在法庭上称之为 减责, I’d guess in most cases is related to uncontrolled childish emotions.

The variations in childish reactions are endless just as every personal past is unique. But once you understand what is going on, with a little exercise you can learn to recognize age regression in yourself fairly easily. Then even if you can’t resolve it on the spot, at least it will be easier to put such emotions aside for later rather than having them guide you. Here I will copy what I wrote in the article “情感成熟度” on how to recognize childish emotions (because it’s useful to have this in more than one place):

健康或成人的情绪是:

– 适当 in their intensity to the situation (in everyday situations, it’s usually mild discomfort, like a warning)

– 我们能够看到情况的复杂性和不同的视角、

– Healthy emotions 推动 给我们能量，让我们采取适当的建设性行动、

– We usually have no problem 表达 因为我们的这些部分之所以能够成熟，是因为它们能够在家庭中得到认可和表达。(不过，如果我们成年后的情绪是 夹杂着不健康的情绪 和负罪感。这种情况最常见，因为很多人从小就知道，如果他们真诚地表达自己的感受，就会感到内疚（guilty)。

– There is 没有紧张和不适感 一经解决

– There is no black or white attitude, we 顾全大局 的故事。W能够将对方视为一个复杂的人，并将其个性与行为区分开来（拒绝行为而不拒绝人）

– We 不辱使命 或对自己不好，也不觉得有必要羞辱或伤害他人。

不健康（幼稚）的情绪、 或年龄倒退的特征是:

– either 过于强烈或压抑

– The ideas and thoughts that accompany them are simplified, generalized, “either – or”

– They often include an 内心冲突通常在 罪责 (也许是我的错)和 使丢脸 (我的行为很愚蠢)的一侧，以及 怒气 (他们无权这样对待我，我应该告诉他们，他们罪有应得！)，并伴有不愉快的身体感觉。这种冲突可能 坚执 long after the unpleasant situation is over. Even if you are objectively right, such emotions can show you that there is a part of you that either is frightened or feels guilty. Some childish emotions can feel good temporarily (arrogance, spite…) but the inner conflict remains.

– These inner conflicts 耗尽你的精力 如果时间过长，会导致压力和疲劳

– You feel that you are (primarily) 对和对方（主要是） 错误的 (有时是相反的情况，但这在儿童或非常不自信的人身上更为常见）。

– You feel 忐忑不安 这可能会促使你 说三道四 并在别人身上找到更多的缺点。

怎么办？

With some introspection, most people can learn to recognize age regression relatively quickly. The problem is that even when we know an emotion is childish, it is still much easier to give in to it than to resist it. Another common mistake is to try to fight these emotions and push them down. So what to do if we should neither indulge or suppress them? One nice quote from an author I forgot: “Emotions are like children: you won’t let them behind the wheel, but you won’t put them in the trunk, either.”

试试以下方法：

– Recognize that a particular emotion is actually a memory, a 抚今追昔而不是现在

– Try to identify of what (or whom) does the situation or the person who triggered the emotion remind you

– Remind yourself that you are an adult and have far more choice, knowledge and experience than when you were a child

– Connect with a child part of you which is overwhelmed with emotion, convey to that part of yourself a sense of support, protection, and especially a sense of self-worth

– Think of a parent (or a healthier version of a parent) supporting you, or perhaps a good friend or some quality authority as support.

如果某种情绪持续存在并经常出现在你的生活中，它很可能是创伤或童年情感依恋问题的后果。这时就需要更复杂的工作来解决创伤和与创伤相关的关系，并建立新的情感模式。

When I first dived into the sea of ​​psychological literature, it was a great relief and inspiration for me to learn that most of the heavy emotions are neither realistic nor necessary, and that such emotions and beliefs can change. Maybe for some of the (newer) readers, this might be a revelation too.

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