受虐狂的治疗

情感受虐狂 

许多人 离苦得乐 在某种程度上。在孩提时代，他们可能已经知道，他们将 如果他们受苦，就会得到奖赏或安慰, or they might have observed suffering people receiving special care and attention. Many children who grow up in unhealthy emotional environments, learn to associate love with their parents’ painful behavior, because they cannot not believe their parents love them. Thus they start to perceive such 将有毒行为视为爱的表达即使在某种程度上意识到这是不恰当的。

这些儿童和后来的成年人可能会 贪图享受 他们与痛苦联系在一起。低水平的情感愉悦不仅能帮助他们找到解脱，减轻痛苦，还能保护他们不觉得自己不值得。他们的无意识思维会非常 怕苦，害怕爱情的快乐和幻想也会消失。

Sometimes just the expectation of comfort and reward might be enough to encourage these people to continue suffering or even avoid happiness. This process is usually not conscious – most such people rationally know about healthy pleasure and want it – yet they sabotage themselves from reaching it. Some major religions include the idea of heavenly reward for people who suffer or sacrifice themselves in this life. This tells us enough about how common this defense mechanism is.

与苦难结缘的人可能会 扮受害者从而疏远和挫败周围的人。他们可能会自发地 制造戏剧和危机 在原本充满希望的人际关系中。他们可能喜欢抱怨和哀叹自己的生活（大多数人似乎都有这样的特点！）。他们可能无法享受快乐和轻松的时刻，害怕 如果他们放松警惕，错误和报应就会接踵而至 (在他们还是孩子的时候，这可能是真的）。

家庭受害者可获得许多短期利益. Other people are likely to avoid demanding much of such a person and will probably be more careful than average in their behavior. They might try to appease the victim by providing special treatment. Victims usually also enjoy the feeling that they are better than others – they are sacrificing themselves while other people are nasty to them. They are usually not aware of their own selfishness and lack of compassion. They invested too much into playing their role. They are not aware of how high is the price – how much potential happiness they reject in this way. 

性受虐狂

然而，我们通常所说的受虐狂远不止这种游戏。受虐狂会给自己带来严重的身体痛苦，而不仅仅是情绪上的不适。与其他人相比，他们更容易批评和指责自己。他们的防御机制可能很复杂，足以让他们感觉正常，并在生活中的大多数环节中发挥良好的作用。然而 压抑的紧张情绪强烈到寻求痛苦的释放.

我的一位客户叫凯瑟琳（Catherine），她是在一个非常有毒的家庭中长大的。她在很多方面遭到拒绝、惩罚和羞辱。她可以 永不放松 while growing up. She developed serious self-esteem problems, perfectionism and need to control. As a teenager, she got used to physically harming herself and later found relief in sexual masochism. Another one of my clients wasn’t a sexual masochist, but used to cut herself as a young girl. She witnessed frequent fights between her parents and, while they were smart enough not to force her to take sides, she felt more than enough guilt and stress anyway.

救济 是凯瑟琳的关键词。经历痛苦意味着她已经受到了惩罚，而且 didn’t have to anticipate punishment anymore.对许多人来说，期待和想象可能比真实情况更糟糕。凯瑟琳开始寻找可以和她一起以安全的方式体验这种解脱的人。她可以 放弃控制的安全感 if she could let somebody else have it. What she couldn’t feel safe with was if nobody was in control.

性是允许和期待放手的地方。这是她感受感动和爱的方式。然而 温柔会让人觉得可疑和不寻常 – pain and humiliation were familiar and, paradoxically, safe – and, in her mind, associated with love. Some masochists have also experienced sexual abuse and rape when young, which created another association between sexuality and suffering.

Many masochists feel that they are emotionally healthy and that their sexual preferences are just that – one of many possible “kinky” styles. Yet it is possible that they can only function in the rest of their lives because their sexual masochism is a way to vent stress and tension. Without such a vent, anxiety and self-hatred would probably find a way to spill into other parts of their lives. Similarly to gambling and other addictions, 疼痛是一种足够强烈的兴奋剂 以分散这些人的情绪压力。

Some masochists claim that after such an experience of pain and suffering in “safe” environment they can feel 洁净这表明对 罪责.受虐狂在成功人士和富人中并不少见，他们可能会觉得如果自己的生活过于顺利，就会受到惩罚。也许在孩提时代，他们无法放松和随性，因为 unrestricted joy would result in some “mistake” or an ill-judged act, and therefore punishment. Perhaps they were even punished in some way or threatened if they were simply expressing happiness. Either way, they feel they don’t deserve their success and they feel better if they can 启动惩罚 自己，而不是等待它以不可预知的方式到来。

将暴力和羞辱视为爱

另外两名（男性）受助者来自父权制色彩浓厚的家庭，父亲易怒、控制欲强，母亲则是受害者。他们觉得自己与母亲更亲近，觉得自己有责任保护或至少取悦母亲。他们对只做自己感到内疚和羞愧，因为他们的真实自我从未得到父母任何一方的认可和赞赏。他们试图通过成为他们所期望的样子来赢得认可，但这永远是不够的。

从父亲对待母亲的方式（有时也来自其他家庭成员），他们开始 将愤怒、吼叫、羞辱，有时是身体暴力与爱联系起来. A small child doesn’t judge, it just accepts things as they are. Whatever happens around it, a child automatically perceives it as home, family – therefore safety and love. That happens before the child’s rational mind is yet developed, so such imprints are memorized in more primal, instinctive parts of one’s brain. So, no matter what their adult, logical brain would tell them, some older parts of their brains would find relief and pleasure in experiencing humiliation.

与凯瑟琳一样，这两个人的另一个关键因素是 把控制权和责任交给别人. As the responsibility they felt in childhood was too heavy for them to bear, letting go of if was a relief and freedom they longed for through most of their lives. A controlling, overconfident person seems able to give them such relief – and when this is combined with some sort of love (or substitute for love) in experiencing humiliation and violence, they may feel they can finally let go and be loved without feeling responsible and guilty.

如何帮助自己

One of the consequences is that, even if masochists willingly choose to be hurt and how, such pain is only superficially “safe”. Other parts of such a person’s identity, especially subconscious childish parts, can feel frightened and exposed, and keep 失去对自我的信任. Some “inner voices” might not understand what and why is going on – they might only understand the experience of being hurt and humiliated, while the “adult” part of the personality denies them protection. Thus the relationship with one’s self slowly keeps getting worse, which can lead to increased feeling of dependence on other people.

凯瑟琳治愈自己的方法是首先解决她关于责任和应受惩罚的不恰当信念，然后解决她将爱与痛苦和羞辱联系在一起的问题。这包括爱自己和培养自尊。做到这一点的方法有很多，但最重要的是在情感上 她的思想还停留在童年时代 并帮助他们改变观点和学习新习惯。

两个最重要的新视角是 学会将爱与仁慈和尊重联系起来，将责任与权力和自由联系起来 rather than guilt. We adapt our approach to a specific person we work with, but in broad terms, we help their inner child create new perspectives and new “memories”. For example, use your fantasy to imagine a history full of love and appropriate responsibility, and focus on experiencing and integrating the good feelings that come with it.

这可能需要时间，因为旧的情感习惯根深蒂固，但它可以在你面前开启全新的生活。通过性受虐狂，你可以改变对自己的核心认知以及自己在这个世界上的位置。

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