如何真正宽恕并被宽恕？

为什么有时宽恕会如此困难？

许多新纪元和自助书籍都说，要想获得内心的平静，我们必须原谅伤害过我们的人。关于如何真正做到这一点，常见的说法是： 就决定 forgive! Or they might instruct you to repeat affirmations about forgiveness. But is it really so simple? Many people tell me it isn’t, and that trying to make themselves forgive 往往导致抑制如果他们不能真正感受到宽恕，他们可能会自我批评，甚至内疚。

Some days back, I was working with a man (I’ll call him Christian) who had a narcissistic mother who abused him viciously; physically, emotionally and sexually. He said his mother asked him for forgiveness on her deathbed. He told her, “No.”

Many well-meaning people would try to convince him that he “should” forgive, otherwise he just keeps carrying his pain around. But, think for a moment, 愤怒的作用是什么? Primarily to give us motivation and strength to protect ourselves or somebody or something valuable to us. We can easily presume that, as a child, Christian kept forgiving his mother over and over again, hoping she’d finally see his point of view and give him the love and support he needed. He kept forgiving because it’s difficult for a child to remain emotionally closed and distanced from his mother. 每一次原谅，都意味着他在情感上敞开心扉，重新燃起希望.每一次，他的希望都被残酷地粉碎。他试图通过与母亲沟通来生存；最后，他学会了通过封闭母亲来生存。  

宽恕往往假定 在情感上再次敞开心扉，彼此信任 someone again. If somebody learned since the earliest age that this means suffering and violence, how to expect them to “just decide”? You could just as well “just decide” not to be sick. 

那么，宽恕到底是什么？

In Christian’s case, since his mother is now dead, forgiveness primarily means 学习如何获得情感和身体上的安全感. I’m not referring to realistic external circumstances, which are much safer for an adult man than a little boy, but to changing his subconscious perspective, the part of himself which still expects people to treat him the way mother treated him as a child.

Christian needs to learn to trust his instinct in assessing other people; with whom does he feel safe, and who might be better avoided. (The problem might be that his instincts might be “skewed” by childhood impressions of what was “normal” in his family home.) He needs to learn to 触景生情 – after spending his most vulnerable years feeling betrayed by his instincts and emotions. He also needs to recognize that, against his childhood experience, now it’s ok to say “No” and set boundaries to other people. He knows this logically, but doesn’t feel it in his body. Once he starts setting boundaries, he needs to continue doing it long enough to 建立自我信任 并通过它获得安全感。 

宽恕的第二个重要方面是 changing one’s own self-image.除了保护我们免受外部威胁之外、 也会 保护我们免受痛苦主要是羞辱、羞愧、内疚、恐惧和不足感。 

A small child has an instinctive need to trust their parents, to feel connected to them, and to justify their behavior. From a child’s perspective, the most obvious explanation for parental hostility is, “something’s wrong with me”. Even adult people, to find some sort of explanation and meaning, often (partially) blame themselves for injustice they experience. For a child, the self-blame can be overwhelming, and anger spontaneously follows to protect the child from breaking down. To let go of anger, we first need to resolve the painful feelings the anger was hiding; this is a process which takes time and requires work, rather than instant solutions. 

如何赢得宽恕？ 

What if Christian’s mother was still alive? If she asked for forgiveness, it would probably mean expecting renewed emotional connection and more open communication from Christian. Does she have the right to demand it, without doing anything to build trust again?

一旦信任遭到破坏或严重损害，重建信任需要做到以下几点：

1. acknowledging one’s mistake （采取 责任 为之) 
2. 修复损伤 (归还或再造 平衡)，以及
3. 行为的永久性改变。 

The first and the third step are fairly understandable. What about the second step? It’s easy to repair a tangible damage; what if the damage cannot be measured in objective terms? If you have abused someone emotionally or sexually, how to achieve balance? Acknowledging your mistake is already a step in the right direction; it helps the hurt person rebuild their faith in themselves and stop blaming themselves, which is important in recovering self-esteem. But it might not be enough. There is no easy and generic answer for all cases, but think about what type of hurt did you cause and how can it be diminished. Then take steps in that direction. 

Most people who hurt others avoid making these steps, especially if a lot of time has passed and they don’t want to open old wounds. The real problem is trying to 避嫌 以防遭到批评和拒绝。如果你正处于这种情况下，也许你可以从锻炼自尊心中受益，这样你就可以 接受自己是一个不完美的人他们仍然能够从错误中吸取教训，并且 能改变. Then consider what would you prefer: intense discomfort that lasts a few minutes, but is followed by long term relief – or milder, but lasting guilt? 

I think that humans (and other social animals, too) have an instinct for keeping balance in relationships. Thus a disturbance in such balance can bother both sides for a long time. What if the other person refuses your attempt to rebuild balance, or is unavailable, or is dead? In that case, you can find your freedom from guilt in, perhaps, helping someone else, or doing something to help other people not to make the same mistakes. You might want to volunteer for a while, or talk about your mistakes and what you’ve learned from them in public (like 这家伙)，或向致力于修复此类破坏的组织捐款。总会有办法的。 

Christian’s mother might have indirectly acknowledged her mistakes, but didn’t have the courage and integrity to do the other two steps while she still could; instead she chose to wait until it was no longer possible and only then asked for forgiveness. Consciously, unconsciously or semi-consciously, doesn’t matter; the result was only more pressure on Christian and denying his needs and boundaries. Can forgiveness be given fully and honestly if the relationship is not healed through genuine, determined effort? What about the victim’s self-trust? Not only it was damaged through original abuse, but it can be additionally hurt through manipulative “extortion” of forgiveness 而不恢复平衡。 

There are many people besides Christian whose parents asked them for forgiveness shortly before death. Perhaps those parents found it easier to suffer guilt through most of their lives, rather than risking honesty and recognizing the need to change. A deathbed is a nice dramatic moment to ask for forgiveness; it’s traditional to expect the past strives to be forgotten in such a time, so many people are then less afraid of rejection or the conversation that might follow. But the survivor is left with an extra burden and the damage is not repaired.  

人生价值

Anger also serves to warn us against another, more subtle aspect of abusive behavior: the value system of the abuser. It’s important to recognize that the 暴力或不负责任行为的关键 是 不 在混乱的童年、强烈的情绪、失控，甚至可能是他人的挑衅（尽管这些因素肯定会有帮助），但主要是在 基本的生活价值观允许无情和暴力的行为 对他人（或某些人群）的态度。有关这方面的更多信息，请参阅 本条. 

Almost everybody carries around some childhood trauma; practically everybody experiences age regression, intense emotional states and feeling provoked – but if a person has 高质量的生活价值观包括同理心，他们只是 won’t allow themselves 无论有多么强烈的情感冲动，都会使周围的人失去人性。一个人要做出羞辱、操纵或暴力对待他人的决定，就必须有一个为这种行为辩护并允许这种行为的价值体系。 

我们的潜意识经常会意识到这一点，即使我们不一定能用语言表达出来； 我们的愤怒警告我们，光靠语言和孤立的行为是不够的如果我们要再次信任一个曾经虐待过我们的人，他的内心必须发生一些本质的变化。 

只有当我们不仅在逻辑上，而且在情感上充分、诚实地理解为什么责任、同情和正直等价值观不仅对社会，而且对我们自己都很重要时，我们的主要价值观才会发生变化。只要有人觉得自己 受益更多 暴力和控制比与他人合作更重要，他们会创造出 理由 for trying to exert power and dominance – even when the perceived benefits are weak and temporary, while long-term consequences are bad. So, don’t just focus on analyzing words and behaviors; assess the value system of the person you are dealing with. 

如何修复对自己造成的伤害？

All in all, forgiveness doesn’t mean forgetting or opening up again to the person who hurt you. It primarily means being able to 重新找回自我. It means the injustice you experienced doesn’t weigh on your mind anymore, that you are not particularly frustrated in the (likely) case that the other person will never do anything to repair the damage and recover the balance. It means, more than anything else, that your self-esteem is solid. 

If the other person won’t cooperate, it doesn’t mean you have to feel bonded to them by anger and lack of balance. 与自己建立健康的关系 helps you to leave your past behind and trust in future – or, more accurately, to have trust in your own ability to protect and support yourself in future. Thus the past loses the influence it would otherwise have through fear, shame and lack of trust in yourself.  

What about re-creating balance? If the person who hurt you won’t make the effort, consider what could you do for yourself to repair the damage. Maybe you can put extra effort in being lastingly kind and compassionate with yourself. Maybe you can treat yourself to something you really enjoy. Perhaps helping other people would make you feel better. Do whatever nourishes your spirit. 

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