健康的家庭关系

Although most people understand, or at least feel intuitively what is appropriate and what isn’t in family relationships, in most families there are still quite a lot of unhealthy patterns and a huge load of imposed guilt. Those patterns hinder many people from acting in the way they feel is healthy and appropriate, even from questioning their behavior and behavior of other family members from a rational point of view.

整合系统辅导将家庭视为一个系统。大多数系统都努力保持平衡，而 如果系统的某些部分功能失调，其他部分就会试图接管其功能，以进行补偿. It is similar with families, in which children, being the most sensitive and receptive members, unconsciously try to bring the balance back if it’s lost. They might take too much responsibility, or resort to problematic behavior, so to redirect family activity and attention. Some children express feelings and behavior which are either forbidden or suppressed within the family.

如果孩子在长大成人后仍然强迫性地过度表达某些情绪或需求（如性欲或愤怒），这有可能只是一方或双方对某种情绪或冲动的无意识表达。 父母一直否认或避免表达. This is the consequence of “systematic“ behavior – keeping balance in the family as a system. For such a person, and for the family, those compulsive urges can be not only unpleasant but also completely incomprehensible, so the person can develop a lot of shame and guilt because of those feelings.

From time to time, we’re contacted by parents who are confused with depression, fear or aggression shown by their children, saying that there seems to be no apparent reason for this and that they put a lot of effort in the child’s upbringing. In many such cases it becomes apparent that there are many suppressed and unexpressed emotions between the parents or within one of the parents, and sometimes even in other family relationships. 

In those situations we focus primarily on working with the parents and their feelings. And, as the parents change their self-image and experience and start to feel relief, very often they’ll say that the children, without any obvious reason, started to act differently, e.g. to communicate more calmly or even became motivated to study without extra encouragement.

In short, many adult people have emotional urges which are irrational, compulsive and unconsciously motivated, and for children it’s even more difficult to rationally and willingly control such urges. Unfortunately, many people do not recognize unhealthy patterns until they escalate in the child’s behavior, and even then they are very often justified or 直到发生严重危机时才被忽视在这种情况下，必须由外部人员进行干预，但往往又会把责任推到孩子身上。

继无知之后，造成这种态度的第二个最常见原因是羞于被贴上标签。重要的是要明白 有情绪问题并不可耻但是，与我们通常努力表现出的完美外表不同，这完全是一种普通和正常的现象。

健康责任

我将简要列出 健康家庭关系的基本原则 我眼中的他们：

健康、成熟 大人有责 for their feelings, actions and life circumstances, and do not expect their children to share this responsibility (responsibility for parents’ emotions).

健康成熟的父母角色是 帮助儿童成长发展自己的身份，最后在 分隔 从父母身边独立出来。在这一过程中，父母和子女都可以营造一种氛围，让他们把对方视为成熟、负责任的人。

一个健康的角色 儿童 就是 孝敬父母他们的历史和经历，但要关注他们自己的生活；要意识到父母是成年人，有能力也有责任照顾他们的生活。 

Sometimes parents expect from their children gratitude, “paying back of the debt“, and sometimes this means that 希望孩子们牺牲 their personal needs in return, even their own individuality and independence. Mature and responsible parents understand that the children do not owe them and especially that they are not obliged to sacrifice their happiness for the parents’ sake. Life by itself, just like investing time, energy and money in a child, is an immeasurable gift for which a healthy child, when adult, will feel gratitude, but in the instant when parents start to demand expressions of this gratitude or even the child’s sacrifices, 它不再是无偿的礼物，而变成了交易和讹诈. For children this is an extreme burden, not being loved or brought to the world for themselves, but only to pay back for this “gift” someday. In a very small child this will create a huge felling of guilt and lack of self-esteem.

It’s natural that young adults give their own lives and families (partner and children) priority. Taking responsibility for parents’ needs, feelings and happiness, sacrificing oneself, trying to make parents happy – automatically means putting the parents into a child’s role and 认为他们是弱者，而不是成年人 and able people. The parents’ expectation that the child should fulfill their emotional needs and should live their desires is one of the most common sources of suffering, emotional disorders, guilt and problems in relationships, which are often carried over from generation to generation and can be difficult to release.

I don’t claim that people should abandon sick and old parents – but some physically healthy parents expect their offspring to neglect their own families to take care of them. Healthy adult children will give necessary help to disabled parents and still see them as responsible adults.

不健康的父母：后果

儿童需要信任重要的成年人.这种需求是如此强烈，以至于许多人 创伤和有毒信念这些都是为了让孩子们继续信任他们的父母。除了信任的需要，还有爱和被爱的需要，因此，幼儿会建立许多防御机制，以便能够继续爱他们身边的人。

对于孩子来说，尤其是三岁以下的孩子，当他们极度依赖父母的时候，意识到自己无法依赖父母或父母的爱，是一种无法承受的可怕体验。因此，他们会自发地、无意识地 为父母开脱.在父母行为不当的情况下，子女往往会承担责任，并创造出 有毒信念 about themselves. Beliefs like: “I am not good enough”, “Something is wrong with me“, “My feelings are not important“ then become rooted in the foundations of personality and affect the adult life. We can feel them especially in situations that remind us of circumstances that originally triggered such beliefs.

For example, if a parent is shouting, insulting or ignoring the child, for a relatively insignificant mistake, which can often happen if the parent is frustrated by other life circumstances, the child must either recognize that the parent is acting in an immature, unjustified and unreasonable manner or trust the parent and make a conclusion that their own mistake must be so big that it justifies such a strong reaction. An older child could feel relatively safe to recognize the parents’ imperfection, but a child who is two or three is not able to do so. A 小孩子几乎总是会选择相信父母 – creating the belief that even small mistakes are unacceptable. It is very hard, if not impossible, to be “perfect”, especially if you are a child, so naturally the next step for children is to convince themselves that they are not good enough and that something is wrong with them. Some older children will try to defend themselves from this feeling by rage and spite, but these are just defense mechanisms, not solutions.

Adults often hold children responsible for own feelings – an adult that is in any way irritated by a child’s behavior, might automatically conclude that the child is at fault, rather than checking the background of their own feelings, or other possible causes of the child’s behavior.

不尊重儿童

许多成年人不尊重孩子，只是因为 儿童经验不足，表达能力较差.遗憾的是，以粗暴、冷酷和命令的方式与儿童交流，甚至在某种程度上无视儿童的成人，仍然比以平等的方式与儿童交流的成人更为常见，因为儿童虽然缺乏经验，但却是有智慧、有价值和有感受能力的人。

Even accumulated experience does not necessary mean that adults are always right. This is more obvious when we look back into the past, when children’s healthy behavior and needs were opposed by cruel and rigid beliefs of adults – who, of course, assumed that they were right. Even today similar behavior is common, although in subtler ways.

I think there is a difference between wisdom and “plain“, rational knowledge: 智慧是情感、经验和逻辑思维的和谐统一. In this area, children may sometimes have an advantage over the adults, since they are much more spontaneous and allowing their feelings to flow. Their handicap is the inability to consider perspectives and information which can be acquired only through experience and learning. For children it’s also much more difficult to find the right words to express themselves.

当我们用外语与人交谈时，我们可能会感到不自在和不安全，这并不是因为我们的思想低人一等，而是因为我们无法 找到合适的词语来表达.在自信、语言表达能力和逻辑思维能力都很强的成年人面前，儿童也会有类似的感觉。成年人往往利用这一点，不考虑对儿童造成的伤害。

权力与期望

有时，治疗不仅意味着解决创伤经历，还意味着解决那些乍看起来可能是积极的、但更微妙的情况所造成的后果。 父母可能会享受权力的感觉 and importance, and the fact that they have more knowledge and experience than a child – for some people that might be the only chance to feel competent – while others, with best intentions, might have too high expectations from a child, or expect the child to be somehow “special“. 

孩子很可能会把表现自己强大和聪明的父母理想化, to admire parents and wish to fulfill their expectations, especially of the opposite sex parent. Occasionally I work with people to whom such circumstances left quite unpleasant consequences – the feeling that they are 不孚众望他们认为自己永远不够好。他们往往会被那些给他们留下深刻印象的人所吸引，但这些人却让他们觉得自己能力不足、价值不高。

正是在这些生活领域，我们花费了 我们的大部分精力 和时间去追求我们的兴趣，可能很难 允许我们的孩子与众不同 and live their own lives and beliefs. People focused on material goods will expect their children to follow such values, and the children’s interests and feelings will be less important. People who are intellectually focused will care less of formalities and material goods, but it might be even harder for them to accept that their children have different interests and values. When something is important to us, we wish that people who are close to us agree with us, and we might try to control our children quite rigidly, or love them conditionally.

有关儿童心理和教养的书籍越来越受欢迎。然而，与其他形式的个人发展一样，人们可能只是肤浅地使用各种方法来达到外在的效果，而对特定方法的意义和目的却不甚了解。有些人表面上似乎运用了适当的沟通技巧，但却没有真正了解儿童；他们只是 但求速效. Their nonverbal communication – especially their tone of voice and facial expressions – will still show lack of patience and respect (especially if the results are not as desired). 

儿童通常比成人更敏感，他们会 受非语言信号和情感能量的影响大于仅受语言的影响. If non-verbal signals conflict with spoken words, it is natural that the child’s motivation to cooperate will not increase. The parent often attributes this lack of success to the child’s character.

外部影响

Most parents believe – and in some way they are right – that they give the best they can to their children. When children start to behave in unwanted or unhealthy ways, this is usually attributed to the influence of other children or the media. 

同伴和大众媒体的影响 becomes important at a somewhat later age, after the critical years of personality development are over (the first three years of a child’s life). But even when those outer influences become stronger they can’t influence a child’s personality as quickly and powerfully as those early and unconscious impacts do, they just 加强现有元素 in the child’s experience and feelings.

无意识的缺乏

I want to emphasize that children’s personalities are not only created by what is present and given in their surroundings, but also by 缺少什么. For many families this is difficult to understand, since their point of view is, although not verbalized, that children are a kind of “tabula rasa” and that they can’t miss something they never even knew.

Many people who start researching their feelings and subconscious minds discover that, as children, they needed and expected much deeper and better quality love than is usually available in our society, especially considering the organization of society and its demands of children and parents. It’s interesting to ponder where this need comes from if we never had a chance to experience and know this kind of love before. 

In every communication among humans, no matter what age, most nonverbal communication is perceived and processed on the unconscious level and influences the relationship through vague impressions about the other person, rather than through conscious interpretation. When a child is very young, which is the most important stage of development, 非语言交流比语言交流更有影响力, which the child can’t even yet understand well. Here lies the reason for many problems in behavior that parents later can not understand and often deny responsibility for.

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