Not many people ever think of the term ’emotional maturity,’ and yet it’s just as important as intellectual or physical maturity. I once read that many people stop emotionally maturing at the end of adolescence, while other authors claim emotional maturity most often fully develops in our 30s or even 40s. So what does emotional maturity even mean?
Compare your behavior with the behavior of an emotionally healthy child (although with the average upbringing most children lose their emotional health very soon): how much of that curiosity do you still have? … that playfulness… mobility… openness… energy… trust… joy of life…? Can you imagine 恢复这些特质 进入你的生活?这些都是我们的真品质,是无法摧毁的;我们可以在不愉快的经历中将它们切断,并将它们埋葬在限制性信念之下,但我们可以获取它们,并重新活出它们。
Emotions are “voices of our subconscious minds“, parts of us that are closest to our inner core, to our primordial, spontaneous and intuitive being. Whenever there is a conflict between rational thinking and emotions – 如果情绪健康 – my experience leads me to believe that emotions will usually contain information that is more relevant. This is because our subconscious minds notice much more details and process much more information than our conscious minds can.
情绪提供了我们内心最深层、最真实的部分如何体验周围事物的信息。情绪是来自巨大的无意识水库的信使,而不是有限的理性知识。每当有人侵犯了我们的个人界限和诚信,哪怕是以一种微妙的方式、 我们的情感会比我们的逻辑更快发出警告.它们可以警告我们受到操纵、剥削或其他伤害的危险。不幸的是,我们所接受的训练往往比我们自己意识到的要多得多。通常,我们会在别人身上注意到这一点,但在自己身上却不那么明显。
我们潜意识中的情感部分会 注册更多信息 about other people’s personalities and intentions than our conscious minds can interpret. They can register every detail in others’ nonverbal signals (including 微信号 we’d never consciously notice), and offer the 我们称之为直觉的内在知识.
面对我们的情绪
因为情感是我们核心存在的一部分、 我们不能置之不理,否则后果不堪设想. In my opinion, too many religious, New Age and coaching approaches suggest that people reject, ignore, conquer or ”rise above” emotions, resulting in deep inner conflicts that can lead to even more suppression, control and fear of self-awareness, less tolerance and less consideration for other people’s point of view.
即使是真正致力于个人发展的人,有时也难以面对不愉快的情绪。大多数不健康的情绪都有很深的 与有毒的自我形象有关. Becoming aware of them can be unpleasant – but 没有人们担心的那么不愉快.对自己情绪的恐惧通常也是在童年时期养成的,如果我们感到被情绪压倒或因此受到惩罚的话。
当我们阻挡不愉快的情绪时 我们也会阻止愉快的因为它们都是相互关联的。对于依赖性强的小孩子来说,周围人不成熟的行为可能会让他们感到恐惧,以至于他们试图通过建立限制性信念和压抑自己的感受来吸收这种冲击。
我们之所以难以化解这些感受并意识到它们,是因为我们幼年的部分曾经与意识分离并被压抑、 没有机会成熟. They stay on a childish level of perception even when we grow up. Even now, those parts of us are still just as afraid of difficult emotions as when they were originally created – and they might also be afraid that giving up toxic beliefs means giving up on one’s family.
健康和不健康的情绪
如何区分健康和不健康的情绪?以下是一些指导原则:
健康(成人)的情绪:
– The 强度 情感是 适当 to the situation (in everyday situations, it’s usually mild discomfort, like a warning)
– Healthy emotions 推动 为我们提供能量,让我们采取适当的行动,例如捍卫我们的界限和诚信
– We usually have no problem 表达 因为我们的这些部分之所以能够成熟,是因为它们能够在家庭中得到认可和表达。(不过,如果我们成年后的情绪是 夹杂着不健康的情绪 和负罪感。这种情况最常见,因为很多人从小就知道,如果他们真诚地表达自己的感受,就会感到内疚(guilty)。
– There is 没有紧张和不适感 一经解决
– There is no black or white attitude, we 顾全大局 的故事
– We 不辱使命 或对自己不好,也不觉得有必要羞辱或伤害他人。
不健康(幼稚)的情绪:
– are either 过于强烈或压抑
– They are followed by an 内心冲突通常在 罪责 (也许是我的错)和 使丢脸 (我的行为很愚蠢)的一侧,以及 怒气 (他们无权这样对待我,我应该告诉他们,他们罪有应得!),并伴有不愉快的身体感觉。这种冲突可能 坚执 long after the unpleasant situation is over. Even if you are objectively right, such emotions can show you that there is a part of you that either is frightened or feels guilty. Some childish emotions can feel good temporarily (arrogance, spite…) but the inner conflict remains.
– These inner conflicts 耗尽你的精力 如果时间过长,会导致压力和疲劳
– You feel that you are (primarily) 对和对方(主要是) 错误的 (有时情况恰恰相反,不过这在儿童或极度受虐者身上更为常见)。
– You feel 忐忑不安 这可能会促使你 说三道四 并在别人身上找到更多的缺点。
Sometimes, details in other people’s behavior can trigger very strong emotions, so strong that we are 自以为是, even if everyone, including our common sense, tells us that our reactions are too intense. This can often happen in intimate relationships, since they arouse our deepest emotions. In those moments, it is difficult to stop thinking about the other person’s behavior and take responsibility for our emotions – but at those very moments, this is most important and brings most benefits.
身体不适 is a common signal that something is suppressed – a feeling of pressure, a soft cramp, pain or burning sensation in the body. For example, if we feel hurt or threatened, usually some immature part of us will surface, for example a part that believes that we somehow deserved the hurt, even if we are rationally aware of reality. To 镇压 在这种情况下,大多数人都会使用 反扑 或开始指责他人。你的恐惧和负罪感越强烈,就越需要批评他人的行为和性格。
正如我们每天都能经历的那样,这个过程几乎每天都在发生。 不经意间 而且很少受到质疑。在这样的时刻,身体的不适感会持续并加剧,发出我们缺少了什么的警告。如果我们害怕面对这些不愉快的情绪,似乎更容易继续同样的行为(尽管它们不会带来结果),而不是专注于内心,面对我们的痛苦。
承担责任
我将情感成熟定义为对我们的情感、经历、行为和生活环境承担责任。
避免不愉快情绪的最简单方法之一,也是最难学会的方法之一,就是通过指出他人行为中的错误,将责任推卸给他人。即使你是对的,当你发现自己 老是想着别人的行为和过失想象你想对那个人说的话,同时感觉到身体有不舒服的感觉,你就可以确定你在 避重就轻 (for example, fear, guilt or a feeling of inadequacy). It is very easy to get caught up in this process, especially if you realize that the other person is passing responsibility to you too. Then both of you can be caught in a direct or indirect “ping pong” game – a game called ”Who started it first” – with both players feeling more and more attacked and therefore attacking back.
长此以往,你会产生越来越多的类似感受,直到你最终决定 自负盈亏 来解决它们。当具有挑战性的情况不再引发不健康的情绪反应时,你就可以确定问题的原因已经解决。例如,如果有必要做出反应,健康的愤怒就会出现,但在健康的愤怒中,没有伤害他人或羞辱他人的必要,更多的是一种设定界限的冲动。事后,如果你的反应是建设性的、适当的,就不会有挥之不去的不愉快。
我认为,成功自我发展的基础是 不断认识我们的感受.通过这种方式,我们可以认识到我们必须面对的问题,建立真正的 与自己的亲密关系对自己诚实,从而 自尊心.
有时,不愉快的情况会让人感到恐惧,以至于我们宁愿做任何事情,也不愿面对它们。然而,这正是 对抗恐惧 是造成不适的主要原因。如果我们能克服它,让自己完全接受自己的感受,我们通常会体验到,这些感受会让我们的生活变得更加美好。 没有我们想象的那么不愉快和可怕.
当我们害怕或不好意思表达自己的情绪时、 我们向自己传递了一个信息:我们的需求并不重要.另一方面,明智的做法是不要向他人传递同样的信息,好像只有我们的感受才是最重要的。要意识到 多种表达方式.你首先想到的可能不是最成熟的词语。
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