为人父母、控制和内疚

控制的需要

负责任的父母的一些任务是教导、引导、支持子女，在某些情况下还要控制子女。但是，如果一个人停留在这种角色上，并将这种态度应用到身边的成年人身上，那么无论他的初衷有多好，都会给自己和他人带来压力和冲突。

有些人决定要孩子的部分原因是需要控制某个人，按照他们认为合适的方式塑造某个人。对这些人来说，孩子可能是他们唯一可以毫无障碍地实现控制需求的人。你会看到他们关注着孩子的一举一动，据统计，每分钟大约要喊出三声批评。这种行为通常隐藏着巨大的 害怕失去控制.

我们可以推测，这种恐惧是在 混乱的童年环境.也许这个人在孩提时代就被迫照顾父母或其他家庭成员，在那个年龄，他们缺乏经验，脆弱不堪，完全没有准备好承担这样的责任。也许他们看到的是父母对完美和细节的执着追求，或者遭受过虐待或战争等极端创伤。感受到 混乱威胁 和完全迷失，这样的人会 尽一切努力增强他们的安全感忽视周围人的感受和需求，认为它们并不那么重要。

Such children usually grow up into very responsible but rigid people – perfectionists. Every dissonance with their habits and rules they will perceive as a threat. They will often try to 将自己的信仰和生活方式强加于人.他们把不同意见解释为缺乏尊重，却认为自己的批评和干涉行为是合理的。他们可能有强迫症倾向、 情感勒索 和 操控.

这些人通常会 待人如子尤其是比他们年轻的人。他们不会重视你的意见，也不会考虑你的意见。他们会认为其他人更弱小、更没有力量、更不讲道理、更没有能力（也许他们的父母真的就是这样的人）。他们会觉得自己有权 以身试法 – just like many parents do with children. When other people disagree, they can perceive it as childish disobedience. Then they will often react with strong criticism and rage on the border of a childish fit. That is not surprising – because their fear originated in childhood.

听起来耳熟吗？

你是这种人的孩子还是雇员？ 如果你和这样的父母一起长大, you have probably developed a feeling that whatever you do is not good enough. More important, your opinion is easy to influence and sway, it’s easy for people to convince you that you are wrong, because 你被训练不要相信自己的感觉和内心的声音.

You might suffer from chronic guilt and chronic self-doubt. You might not be able to feel good with different opinions, habits and needs of other people. You might perceive differences as threatening. In the end, to avoid these problems, 你可能会采取导致你恐惧和内疚的行为：僵化和批评.

In such a situation, it’s most important to 学会相信自己内心的声音 and inner truth. It is that “gut feeling” that you often ignore and often regret ignoring. You also need to recognize when is your inner voice masked by fear, anger or hope, and distinguish one from another. A healthy feeling of inner truth is usually pleasant – some kind of warmth, peace and innocence.

Perhaps your inner voice is underdeveloped because of neglect, or buried deep beneath layers of fear, guilt and false identities? It is not lost forever. You will need time and practice, but you can develop it again.

If people around you try to make you feel guilty or manipulate you, you will need to keep reminding yourself of that feeling of innocence and inner peace. That center of peace might be the only firm point to lean on when you are accused of bad intentions and bad personality because of small mistakes.

When we are children, we trust adults more than ourselves, even when their behavior is exaggerated and unjust. The consequences might remain with us even through adulthood. You need to 继续回到你平静的中心当你感到迷失和不够好的时候，你就会想起它们。这是支持自己和建立自尊的第一步。

Controlling, “parental” personalities will inevitably alienate most people, their own children in particular. They will end up frustrated, disappointed and blaming others. 认识到自己的错误对他们来说就像崩溃一样因为它威胁到了童年时期赖以生存和保持理智的坚定而稳定的信仰结构。承认错误可能会引发字面意义上的生存恐惧。

Such a person can change only if they really want it, not just because of others’ demands (same as with other emotional issues), and if they work with their emotions intensely and continuously. If they don’t, they will be able to see your point of view only in case of milder version of this pattern. In most cases, your efforts will be in vain.

Unfortunately, sometimes the only thing you can do is to let go and decrease or discontinue contact with that person. It’s important not to do it aggressively, but in a calm, yet firm way. Avoid reducing their motivation to take responsibility for their behavior.

相关文章

如何挺身而出

健康的家庭关系

如何识别情感勒索

所有文章 

在线辅导 

我们的 YouTube 频道