非语言和微妙的交流

我们越是注意与他人交流的细节，就越会发现我们通常会错过很多东西。与我们交谈的人会通过以下方式传递许多信息 非常小的非语言信号他们的语气或用词。
特别是当人们可能不会选择直接表达自己，或者他们甚至没有意识到自己所传达的内容时，您可以实现以下伟大目标 改善关系 如果你注意到并明智地回应这些信息。很多时候，我们并没有真正意识到，通过增强意识可以极大地改善人际关系。 

在很多情况下，我们都没有足够重视交流内容的含义，因此最终没有在正确的时间回答正确的问题。我们可能会迟迟或间接地发现他人的想法。有时，如果我们能够认识到问题所在，或者正确翻译对方所说的话，或者找到更好的词语来解释我们的想法，那么重要的事情就可以得到解释，争论也可以避免。 注意细节.

For example, we had a young construction guy working for us when we were finishing our house. One day when he was around, my partner and I made a trip to the town to get some supplies. Soon after we came back, the construction guy came and asked me in a hushed tone if my partner was angry. (Spoiler: he wasn’t.) I thought he said “hungry” instead of “angry”,  so I said: “I’m not sure… but I certainly am!”

I could see his eyes getting big, so I checked quickly and we clarified it easily. Years back, I probably would have dismissed it as unimportant or would have been too shy to ask. I imagine many arguments start over similar kind of misunderstanding, when people don’t notice or don’t react to non-verbal communication. Wise of our construction guy to check if his presumption was right, too!

很多人在不知道该说什么的时候，会试图 答非所问. They respond with half-considered thoughts, clichés, empty witticisms, provocations, or simply withdraw to avoid conflict. It is completely different when in such situations we listen to our bodies and feel their messages. By listening to the feelings of your body and translating it to words you can recognize problems and seek healthy reactions more easily. This skill of 内观 这需要练习，因为在交流过程中，我们的关注点大多是外部的，这使得我们更难认识到 微妙的心理信号.

什么是真正的自发性？

人们常说，控制自己没有意义，因为他们想要放松和随性。一旦我们在这方面投入时间和精力，自发性和努力提高交流质量之间的冲突就会变得更加普遍。

我的经验表明，大多数人都很容易认识到这一点，那就是 ‘spontaneous’ and automatic reactions我们的答案和行为往往是在我们思考问题之前，甚至在我们还没有注意到的时候就已经出现了。 防御机制, or idioms we learned from our childhood environment – not true and honest reactions that really express who and what we are. In such cases it is important to learn not to react automatically. We need to give ourselves time to 悟出真谛 that comes from our feelings … providing that we have learned to be truthful to ourselves. That can be called the true spontaneity.

不过，很多人都是这样、 不敢花时间 and not answer immediately, as if they have learned to expect that the other person will utilize this time to ‘outplay’ and ‘defeat’ them in communication. The reality is quite the opposite: not only, in many situations, does the other person not have the need for this, but by giving ourselves time we are sending them 多层次的信息 – first that we care about the outcome of our communication and that we want to carefully think about everything that was said and what we will say, and secondly that we are aware, present and reacting with honest feelings (which automatically means an attitude of self respect). 
另外，在很多情况下，当别人进行不恰当的交流时，我们花时间思考答案，往往也会让别人思考自己的行为。

解读非语言交流

非语言交流传递着最重要的信息：不仅包括有意识的思想和情感，还包括无意识的和未表达的思想和情感。然而，我们需要 避免非黑即白的判断陷阱 and believing that a specific movement or gesture means exactly what we think it means. Many overly eager observers of nonverbal communication might annoy you trying to convince you that you are thinking what they think you are thinking… try not to become one of them. 

Every gesture and change in people’s faces needs to be 与语言和非语言交流的所有其他部分一起观察, instead of being “translated” separately. Different details in environment might influence the feelings of the person you talk to, as well as 随想、联想和记忆. If the person is aware that you’re observing his non-verbals, he might feel and show uneasiness about it, if worried to be incorrectly judged. As in many other areas of life, I suggest you to allow your instinct and 直觉 创建一个 印象 而不是仅仅进行理性分析。 

I tend to rely on my mind more than my body, so I had a mini-revelation when I was reading a book by Lois McMaster Bujold, one of my favorite fiction writers. In one scene, a guy throws something to a girl, yelling: “Watch!” Later, the girl asks him why did he yell “Watch”, rather than “Catch”? The guy replies that it’s much easier to catch something if you follow it with your eyes and let your body do the rest, rather than trying to think about how to catch it. We can use a similar attitude with non-verbal communication. Be present in the moment, use your eyes and ears, and let your subconscious mind do the rest. Important, but hidden messages are often communicated through “微信号” – tiny details our conscious brains cannot notice – but our subliminal minds can and do.

真正高质量的交流

如果我们试图控制自己的非语言交流，以传递一种 与我们的真实感受不同因此，我们通常会失败，除非我们是特别好的演员。非口头语言的本质是无意识的，因此也是诚实的，所以即使我们能够控制身体的某些部分，其他部分也会传达出我们的真实感受。更好的方法是 真正创造出我们想要传达的情感 – not just for external results, but for our own improvement.

Every communication with other people, everything we tell them and the way we say it, influences their attitude toward us along with all further communication, i.e., how much will they trust us at another time and be open toward us. It’s easy to escape in the ‘spiritual realms’ – yet 每天的交流才是真正的灵性所在意识、诚实和自我完善。

Often we say something like ‘I did everything I could… I don’t how to talk to that person anymore!’ 这是真的吗？ Was there something more we could have said or done… maybe even many things… but perhaps we did not have the willingness, patience or courage to do so? Often ‘all I could do’ really means ‘all I could do 不受伤害 or threatening my ego’.

同样，当我们与他人相处时，我们需要 时间和毅力 为了锻炼当下的存在感，深层次地 认识和敏感性 to all that occurs within us and in the communication. It is not always easy to learn to communicate our thoughts in honest and compassionate ways. However, once we learn this, our relationships- the most important thing for the quality of our lives – have a chance to flourish.

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