如何不再成为控制狂？

问题: How to stop being a control freak? I want to stop trying to control everything and micromanage others, but I don’t know where to start. I feel anxious when things aren’t exactly as I think they should be. It stresses me out and causes me to alienate others. Can you help?

回答:根据我的经验，控制环境和周围人的需求往往源于童年经历：

家长化儿童

Most commonly, such a person was “家长化” as a small child. This means one or more adults around them were acting immature, needy, or unpredictable. Directly or indirectly, they may have indicated that the child needed to take responsibility and manage the situation.

你可以想象（或许你也经历过），这对孩子来说是多么可怕。孩子本应得到成年人的保护、指导和教导，如何应对挑战，但他们却被推上了帮助者甚至保护者的角色，几乎没有经验、权力或权威来有效地完成这一角色。

Small children think in simple, generalized terms. There is little sense of nuance or complexity. They don’t yet have the perspective to discern what is tolerable and what isn’t, or what might have serious consequences versus what probably won’t. For a child, everything feels important, intense, and absolute—all or nothing. Parentified children often feel: either I have everything under control, or everything will fall apart and something horrible will follow.

Losing control (which, of course, often happens to parentified children despite their best efforts) can bring guilt, a sense of inadequacy, and an almost mortal fear of losing a parent or the whole family. It can also result in the child being criticized or rejected by one or more family members. These experiences shape the child’s mental and emotional development, influencing their expectations of the world and relationships.

Even as adults, they often continue to feel that if they don’t have control over their environment, things will quickly fall apart and they will be rejected. A person who couldn’t trust their own parents to be reliable, can often feel a lack of trust in other important people. Ironically, the very behavior that once kept chaos and rejection at bay can now lead to rejection in adulthood.

父母的榜样

父母非常挑剔和控制欲很强的人，可能会把这种行为视为再正常不过的事情，并认为这是理所应当的。他们可能会认为控制行为是爱和关怀的表现。

Since controlling parents are often driven by fear, the child may absorb this fear and form the belief that the world is a dangerous, unpredictable place. For young children, their parents’ fear is often far more impactful than their own, shaping how they view and interact with the world.

创伤、虐待或忽视

在遭受创伤和虐待的情况下，儿童（和成人）会感到完全无能为力、迷失方向、不知所措。他们可能会尝试各种应对策略，最终采用那些看起来最有效的策略。如果他们发现试图控制一切能帮助他们控制焦虑，他们就会采用这种行为作为保护机制。与上述情况一样，他们也会觉得自己对周围的一切负有过多的责任。

被忽视的孩子可能会为了证明自己的价值而承担过多的责任。他们可能会发现，控制他人和环境可以赢得关注和认可。随着时间的推移，这些模式被强化得越多，这种行为就越根深蒂固，往往会延续到成年。

遗传特征

焦虑症和强迫症（OCD）可能有生物学根源。上一代人的创伤经历可能导致 DNA 发生变化，并遗传给受影响者的后代。不过，通常还是环境激活并塑造了我们的遗传潜能。

如何放开控制？

So, how do you stop being a control freak? First, based on the information above, start by recognizing your emotions and identifying where they come from. Ask yourself: What do I fear will happen if I don’t interfere? Why don’t I trust others to handle things? How old do I feel when I experience that fear? What does it remind me of? What emotions am I really afraid of? How could I cope with these emotions differently?

Second, remind yourself that you are no longer a child at the mercy of others. If the thing you worry about happens—say you’re late or a child gets a minor scratch—is it really so terrible? How can you cope if it does happen? How likely is it that it will? While some things are worth preventing, there are many small issues that don’t matter as much as we think, or are unlikely to happen. Remind yourself that if you risk alienating people over minor things, it’s probably not worth it.

Third, practice letting go of control in small steps. What small, manageable things can you allow without feeling overwhelmed? (Don’t go to extremes or ignore common sense, of course.) Perhaps try not cleaning up every tiny mess immediately, letting a child break a toy, or arriving 5 minutes late. If nothing bad happens, recognize that and enjoy the relief. If something mildly unpleasant happens, allow yourself to feel the emotions without panicking. Again, think about where these feelings come from and be kind to yourself as you process them. You may find it’s not as difficult to manage as you imagined.

Fourth, when something really bothers you, but you know it’s a small issue, make your requests to others in a considerate and respectful way, rather than blaming or demanding. For example: “I know it doesn’t really matter if we’re a bit late, but for some reason it really bothers me. Could you do me a favor and hurry up?” Taking responsibility for your feelings, rather than insisting you’re right and others are wrong, has a much better impact on relationships.

Finally, be aware that some people are labeled “controlling” by selfish or narcissistic individuals who don’t want to cooperate or be considerate. Know the difference. Find your inner sense of balance. Recognize what truly matters to you and why. If you feel like someone is manipulating or emotionally blackmailing you but you’re unsure who’s in the right, seek feedback from trustworthy and mature individuals.

如果你想更深入地解决童年编程问题，可以考虑尝试我们的 在线辅导.

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