如何挺身而出

Protecting one’s own 个人界限 and finding balance with other people, whether family or strangers, and often in subtle ways, are everyday parts of a human life. Testing and pushing on others’ boundaries is normal in a relationship of a child to a parent, and is still very much present among adults, too. Some people feel their disrespect of others’ needs and decisions as so normal they won’t even notice when they do it – while others 说不定 when it’s done to them. Most people learn to disrespect their own or other people’s needs in a very early age, depending of how their parents set their own boundaries, how they react to the child expressing his/her will, but also of how they treat each other.

In adulthood, the most important boundaries are those one sets with a partner and children. Since a partner is usually acquired before children, if you set boundaries with him/her first, later it’s easier to do it with children, too. A problem is that, usually, an adult person has much stronger and better solidified ideas about what is normal and acceptable – ideas which are not necessarily overly healthy.

A bigger problem is that many people – especially those who are naturally (or were raised to be) more considerate, insecure and/or responsible – feel a need to please their partners, which often turns into ignoring one’s own boundaries to accommodate the partner.随着时间的推移，有些人习惯于越来越多地否定自己的欲望、需求和价值观，最终可能导致 辱骂 关系，或者至少是充满挫折和失望的关系。

Let’s say Mike and Tiffany agreed on a date, but Tiffany is late. She’s 15 minutes late, 20 minutes, half hour… and she doesn’t call or respond to calls. Mike feels frustrated, but doesn’t want to risk a potential romance before it even started, and decides to say nothing “this time”. He hopes this is an isolated case and not a habit of Tiffany’s. Perhaps Tiffany finally shows up with some weak excuse, or she only sends an apologetic message the following day. Mike is not happy with her behavior, but only grits his teeth and asks when they could meet again, because he likes Tiffany too much to “rock the boat” so soon.

Or, say, Anthony introduces Danielle to his friends, and proceeds to share private details from Danielle’s life with the group, or makes disparaging comments in her direction, probably presented as jokes. Danielle later complains about his behavior. Anthony will almost certainly say, “You are 太敏感, I was just joking!” Danielle thinks, “Maybe I’m truly overreacting? Maybe it’s my problem if such things hurt me? When we are alone, he’s not at all bad! Best not to risk the relationship over such a small thing!”, and allows her needs to be silenced under the treat of being labeled as too sensitive.

不管蒂芙尼和安东尼的行为是出于不尊重，还是他们从小就把不体贴人的行为视为正常、 once they experience there will be no consequences, next time it’s even easier to repeat such behavior. They might even be more and more convinced that such behavior is acceptable, and might be surprised or offended if their partners object to it. On the other hand, Danielle and Mike might find it easier to ignore their own needs after they’ve already done it before. Thus an unpleasant surprise 成为习惯. 

人类是适应性很强的动物，因此 我们会不自觉地，甚至违背自己的意愿，习惯于不愉快的环境 if we stay around long enough. After a while, we could be surprised when we look back and realize how many things we’ve learned to tolerate which we thought “we never would”.

If you think about all the variety of inconsiderate and irresponsible behavior you’ve gotten used in your own environment, perhaps you’d be surprised to realize how much of it is considered “normal”, not only in personal, but also business relationships: manipulation, dishonesty, various power struggles, exploitation… People who do these things usually find 心理辩解和借口 for them, usually because they’ve seen it justified or at least tolerated within their families and cultures. 

寻找平衡

To set boundaries, you don’t need some measurable, external confirmation you are “right”. It’s not so important, or sometimes even possible, to know who is wrong and who is right. What is important are 兼容性和相互考虑.要想设定良好的界限，你需要

1) 不要害怕冒险建立关系 /工作/其他

2) 发展 平衡感. 

Developing a sense of balance is not so difficult in theory, especially as this is partly an innate human instinct. It might be trickier if your family trained you to believe you don’t have the right to express your needs and you’d be punished if you are angry or have demands. (Also you might have a problem with balance if your family taught you to believe that you are “special” and your needs are more important than others’.) Still, even then 大多数人都保留了某种平衡自身需求与他人需求的本能.花点时间从以下方面考虑问题 多角度 并决定怎样做最合理。

If you are generally responsible and lean toward self-questioning, it’s more likely that you’d disturb the balance at your own expense than at somebody else’s. Keeping that in mind, it’s important to pay attention and give weight to your own needs as well as other people’s.这可能需要你面对并解决童年时期的内疚感、对惩罚或被遗弃的恐惧。我们可以在这方面为您提供帮助。

If you are used to emphasizing your own needs and dismissing others’, and you want to change this (congratulations, you are a rarebreed!), you might need to confront your fear of losing power, losing control, and perhaps losing a sense of specialness compared to other people. Don’t give up; such 权力、控制和重要性只是一种幻觉 anyway, or at least are very fragile. Self-esteem, happiness and relaxation you can achieve in healthy, balanced relationships are much more real and lasting. You will also need to exercise seeing other people’s perspectives and a conscious attitude of appreciation for other people’s needs.
If you are used to emphasizing your own needs and dismissing others’, and you want to change this (congratulations, you are a rarebreed!), you might need to confront your fear of losing power, losing control, and perhaps losing a sense of specialness compared to other people. Don’t give up; such 权力、控制和重要性只是一种幻觉 anyway, or at least are very fragile. Self-esteem, happiness and relaxation you can achieve in healthy, balanced relationships are much more real and lasting. You will also need to exercise seeing other people’s perspectives and a conscious attitude of appreciation for other people’s needs.

害怕惩罚

Now let’s talk about the more difficult part: not to be afraid of losing a relationship (or something else you hope for). Such an attitude is usually most difficult to achieve in early stages of a relationship, when hopes are still high, while first 红旗 看似微小或偶然。然而 恋爱之初是坚守界限的最重要时刻 并表达我们的需求。

请记住，如果表达自己和自己的需求意味着对方可能会惩罚你或离开你，那么这个人显然既不习惯寻求平衡，也不习惯合作，更不习惯体贴或尊重你。因此，很显然 你可以期待今后会有同样的态度. It’s not likely you want or need such a person in your life. In such a case, it’s better to recognize this on time, than when it’s too late对吗？

把这个想法牢牢地记在脑子里：只要你们的交流是平和的、有建设性的，那么对方的任何发脾气、指责、试图吓唬你或羞辱你的行为都意味着这个人是 不尊重你并试图操纵你. Even if you are used to this kind of behavior, it doesn’t mean you should accept it. If such behavior is present in the beginning of a relationship, there can only be more of it in the future. 唯一可接受的答案 以平静的方式设定界限，是和平、负责和体贴的争论或谈判。只有这样的反应才意味着你们今后能拥有健康的关系。 如果一段关系是健康的，你就不能通过寻求平衡来破坏它.不仅在爱情关系中如此，在友谊、商业或其他任何关系中也是如此。

Sometimes, fear of losing a relationship is not the result of a realistic perception of one’s partner, but 早期家庭经历.也许你的伴侣很负责任，也愿意配合，但在你的想象中，如果你表达了自己的需求，他的反应显然是愤怒、惩罚或抛弃。这意味着 你的期望来自于你的过去而不是现在。你需要找到它们的来源，与自己的孩子一起努力，帮助它获得安全感，并养成新的思维、情感和行为习惯。这些都是我们可以提供帮助的。

有时，最大的挑战在于认识到 过密 与不相容的伴侣在一起，是无意识地寻求一种 代父母.这种羁绊是可以解决和改变的。这种情感纠葛会让人觉得自己可能再也没有机会获得幸福，再也找不到比现在的恋人更好的人了。实际上，有很多人比你更健康、更适合你，不会因为你明确表达了自己的界限就惩罚或抛弃你。寻求替代父母的情感纽带，需要 由内而外痊愈, working with your “inner child”, rather than trying to keep a partner at all costs.

确定不合作的后果

What if you are in a long term relationship or married, perhaps with children, and you recently realized that you spent years getting your partner (and yourself) used to not pay attention to your needs? Or, what if you are still in an early stage of a relationship, you recognize that your partner doesn’t have a well developed sense of balance and consideration, but you believe it can be changed?

最糟糕的事情莫过于发出从未付诸行动的威胁, whether because you don’t dare to, or you take pity on your partner. The second most ineffective approach is to keep trying to convince your partner to change with demands and pleas, while not changing anything in your behavior. Every time you do it, and every time your partner successfully ignores your words, you weaken yourself and your boundaries. (All of this is true in relationships with children, too.)

在这种情况下，最好也可能是唯一有效的办法是 determine practical consequences of ignoring your boundaries – in advance并紧紧抓住它们不放。如果你愿意，可以说这是一种惩罚，但这种后果不应该比一个健康、自信的人会做出的反应多（或少）。为了能够付诸实践，后果必须是 平实同时还能让你的伴侣感到不愉快。

Rather than threaten to end the relationship, try this: your partner doesn’t want to do their share of household chores? Let them wash their own clothes and cook their own food for a while at least. Your partner keeps being late when you need to go somewhere? Leave without them (if possible start using this approach in less important situations, rather than when you are in a rush to get on a plane). Your partner is embarrassing you in public? Leave them there and go home by yourself (preferably let them use public transport rather than leaving them the car). Your partner wants you to cancel your other tasks and agreements because they suddenly want you to do something else? Let them go where they want by themselves, while you stick with your plans. A temporary separation is a possible consequence for worse misbehavior, but best to determine in advance when this is appropriate, and who should stay where.

最好是 事先警告伴侣后果 of their behavior, so they know what to expect and cannot accuse you of a temper tantrum or manipulation. Explain your partner why the need for such approach (because, obviously, words didn’t help). Does it sound a bit like raising a child? Yes, and it would be great if that wasn’t needed, but the reality is also that many adult people don’t want to take adult responsibilities.

Your partner might try to accuse you of controlling or manipulating them. Then it’s time to talk about what does balance in a relationship mean to them, and whether you are compatible at all. 期望和需求并不意味着控制对方, if there is no pressure to stay in the relationship – and also if you focus on what is really important to you, rather than insisting on things being your way every time. As usual, the key is in finding balance.

If it’s obvious that your partner doesn’t want to change something that for you is a requirement to continue the relationship, then it’s 和平结束关系比强迫别人改变关系更公平 in the way they don’t want to (even if such a change would be healthier for them). Everybody has a right to decide how they want or don’t want to change, and whether they want to stay in a certain relationship or not. The only obstacles to this – and the causes of various manipulative and controlling behaviors – are various childish fears, financial concerns, and the oversimplified tradition that says, “‘Til death do us part”. None of this is necessary in a modern society (ok, financial concerns can be realistic, but rarely unsolvable), and it’s certainly better to make your decision sooner rather than when it’s too late.

你是否感到恐惧或内疚 when you consider determining consequences for somebody’s unpleasant behavior? Perhaps you were abused as a child, or in a previous relationship, or you might be 受虐 in a current relationship, so you learned to fear punishment and violence if you stand up for yourself like a healthy adult. If your current partner makes you afraid, recognize that it’s likely a result of abuse rather than a normal state, and it’s time to seriously consider leaving that person. And if your fear comes from your past, this is not so difficult to work through and change.

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