人格的基本裂痕

In this article I will describe a process that seems to be present to some extent in many families. If you do not recognise yourself in it at all, you probably had very wise parents. In that case, this article can help you to better understand other people’s behaviour.

由于有条件的爱和不支持或操纵的环境，大多数孩子学会了不自觉地 喜欢羞辱和权力游戏这就是我们无意识地抗拒亲密关系和向他人敞开心扉的原因。

这样的人学会了惧怕表达爱，害怕被人利用和操纵。父母害怕爱可能意味着奴役、 甚至不敢完全爱自己的孩子, especially since children are “by default” demanding and usually testing their parents’ boundaries. Such parents can believe that it is their priority to “teach” children that they can not always “get their way“, even in situations when children’s needs are natural and their wishes modest.

当父母拒绝孩子时

家长可能会看到 将幼稚/不成熟的自然行为视为错误或不可接受的行为, creating a negative attitude towards the child’s personality, which is the result of a combination of following causes:

• 不成熟 完美期望 from other people in general, and one’s own child in particular
  
  
• 有些人可能会 与自己父母的矛盾尚未解决 并将其投射到孩子身上（尤其是如果祖父母不成熟，那么孩子的任何不成熟行为都会引发对祖父母的回忆）
  
  
• negative feelings for one’s own 内心世界 及其需求、感受和要求（如果父母很早就学会了厌恶和拒绝自我）。

有这些问题的家长可能会 认为自己是受害者 如果他们的期望没有实现，他们就会认为孩子有恶意和消极的意图。这种想法会随着关系的恶化而得到强化（如果孩子不是因为害怕而不敢表现出反抗，这种情况是可以预见的）。这样的父母会 不让孩子从错误中学习 – which is the most natural way to learn. So children develop a feeling that mistakes mean something is essentially wrong with them – but how to avoid mistakes without adult experience?

制造内心冲突

对于儿童来说，这种标签是一种巨大的压力。他们的反应可能是 一边是爱和盲目信任，另一边是防御性愤怒之间的冲突. If you explore both of these feelings, you will probably describe them like this: either they (parents) are right and something is wrong with me; or they are wrong, they do not love me and they are being cruel – but why am I not loved? – in both cases, children conclude that they do not deserve to be loved.

According to Transactional Analysis, a child eventually adopts one of those two conclusions as a fixed idea, which leads to permanent “life positions”: “+/-” (I am OK, they are not OK) or “-/+” (I am not OK, they are OK), and more rarely “-/-” (neither I nor they are OK) or “+/+” (a position which is desired and healthy; I am OK and they are also OK). In my opinion, such fixed positions (or masks) dominate the outer behavior, while under the surface inner conflict continues. In other words, overconfident people are likely to hide inferiority feelings, while insecure people might easily be hiding criticism to others.

通过这种方式，一些孩子得出了 "爱就是奴役 "的结论。他们可能 担心一旦表达爱意，就会受到操纵、侮辱或羞辱.这种焦虑可能作为一种生存焦虑普遍存在于人的一生中，尤其是在亲密关系中，并延续到下一代。

随着时间的推移，在这种情况下，父母和孩子都开始避免考虑和平对话或理解、 担心和解可能导致更多的失望和羞辱.这可能会使人们特别难以承认自己的过失和责任，因为强烈的情感和精力都投入到了指责他人上。这有助于避免内疚和担心自己出了问题。

Childish parts often perceive the world as either black or white, and may feel that, in a conflict, only one person can be right – not both. Therefore, if we admit that we made a mistake, we are bad, which triggers not only feelings of guilt, shame and inadequacy, but also the 认为羞辱是对错误的正常反应.另一方面，如果我们责怪对方，我们内心深处仍然渴望爱情的部分就会陷入痛苦和困惑之中。

面对冲突

除非我们 认识并治愈被深深压抑的信念 我们认为自己很坏，不值得被爱，不如别人有价值。在我们年幼时，当其他家庭成员看起来像大树一样高大、表现得如此自信时，我们就很容易产生这样的信念。(不成熟的父母往往通过低估孩子或公开嘲笑孩子来强调自己的权力地位）。

只要我们的这些部分存在，相关的情绪就会时不时地爆发出来，这也激活了内心冲突的另一面。强烈 不安全感通常会引发自我保护的需要, which often comes out as anger and spite. Trying to choose between one and the other is a mistake. If we try this, we cannot resolve the conflict because neither of those parts is our true self. In Integrative Systemic Coaching, we resolve conflicts by exploring both parts, thus gradually approaching the original causes of such personality splits, which are usually covered up by a deep belief, “I cannot be me”.

我认为一个 失衡 或不成熟的行为有其 相抵 在相反的倾向中，这种倾向会受到抑制。换句话说，一个乍看之下容易放弃、显得软弱的人，很可能压抑着攻击性和敌意，而攻击性强的人往往压抑着恐惧和不安全感。 

同样的过程不仅由父母触发（尽管这通常是最明显的），而且在其他方面也会发生。 使我们联想到原来存在问题的情况即使唯一的相似之处在于我们的观点可能是错误的。

所有这些过程都是非常微妙的，除非在危机时刻，大多数人都喜欢自欺欺人，认为他们没有经历过这些过程，只是因为他们很少意识到这些过程。

父母不成熟的孩子可能会觉得 被迫承担责任这就产生了 恐惧和不安全感，随后是内疚和自卫性愤怒. As children are likely to make black-and-white conclusions and generalizations, they might expand their negative attitudes towards other irrational acts of others, resulting in unhealthy moralizing. Empty intellectualism is one possibility – escaping from feelings into thoughts. Such people often perceive expressions of feelings as weak and immature. The opposite extreme is delinquency – acts of spiteful children, who avoid responsibility and justify their behavior with perceived unfairness of others.

在描述这些情况时，我并不建议你去责怪谁，而是要培养你的同理心，理解自己和他人。如果你想解决问题，首先需要承认并接受问题。在我们的工作中 咎由自取.重要的是要认清原因和后果，并承担起努力改变的责任。

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